Friday, December 20, 2013

Happy Fist Pump Friday, and to All A Good Night!

In two days, the weather changed from about 67 degrees, sunny, warm, and wonderful, to this:

According to my phone, it is currently 23 degrees outside.  23 mother-flippin' degrees after such a warm and wonderful weekend just a few days ago.  Stupid Denver weather.  300 days of sunshine my ass!

But, in just a few short days, I will be in Florida, where the beer flows like that ensure drink, or something else old people consume.  The temperatures on Sunday for when I land look to be at a balmy 80 degrees.  And while my first thought as I empty off the plane and get use of my legs back will be, "oh god, it's Soooo humid", I hope to adjust immediately back to my hometown.  Not just weather, but in terms of avoiding the high level of red neckery that abounds in that town, and the lack of quality beer...or bars that serve beer, or bars that are open late enough to when I want said beer.

Now some of you reading this are like, "oh this guy...acting like his shit don't stink."  Well they don't call me the FLORIDA Omlette, do they?!  It's the Denver Omlette, and shut up about how I spell omlette.

But since I'll be gone now for over two weeks, some of you may be coming to the realization of what that means.  It means there will be no blog updates after today for a full 18 days!  To capture the full emotion you must be feeling, I want you think of a 15 year old Denver Omlette, working at his first official job.  The 2 weeks he worked under the table at the Lighthouse Grille before he got fired just because doesn't count.  But his first job after that was a fry cook at Wings N' Things, where, if the burns he got on from the hot oil on his arms and once even on an eye lid weren't bad enough, or the people he worked with weren't white trashy enough, every evening, shirt covered in grease, he would clean the restaurant to the soundtrack of 1996's best soft rock jams of the year playing on some shitty radio he couldn't reach.  One song that always played was Jewel's "Who Will Save Your Soul", which was depressing enough to hear night after night.  But another song that always seemed to accompany that one was Jimmy Buffet's Jamaica Mistaica.  A tongue in cheek song referencing his plane being shot at when landing in Jamaica, the melody is actually quite haunting.  And at 15, hearing two hauntingly depressing songs was enough to send you over the edge.  It made me think that working there, amongst those people, listening to these songs, was the very bitter end for me.  That after only 15 years of life, I was stuck in this horrible rut, and that I hade made terrible life decisions.  Maybe the feeling of just giving up at that point is what steered me into the career I have now....hard to ever really know.

But to put what my absence will mean to you in that same frame of mind, I give you.....

Jamaica Mistaica

I know these Friday posts are supposed to be uplifting and happy, fist pumping into the air.  But I'll miss you faceless, comment-less readers more than you know.  So with the bitterness of leaving you until the new year, I leave you with this....the saddest fist pump friday of 2013.  Happy Merry!

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Wampanoag, The Real American Heroes

393 years ago, to the day, a group of "reform" minded Puritans, accused of treason and forced to leave England, tired of trying to learn Norweigish, docked in modern day Plymouth, Massachusetts, and its passengers prepared to begin their new settlement, the Plymouth Colony.  The place where they set up shop was supposedly an abandoned village of a long since extinct tribe of Native Americans known as the Wampanoag.  Although Wikipedia says they still exist, I highly doubt it.  Just as I highly doubt their village was found "abandoned."  One day, a remake of the story of the Pilgrims will be made in Hollywood, and the over-dramatized, over-hyped, Lincoln Park sound tracked movie will tell the true tale of deception that led to the colonization of America.  Much like the strangely celebrated sport of tying a bull's testicles together and watching it writhe in agony in a dirt arena, the first colonists tied the testicles of America to its Puritan ways, and what started as reformity turned into conformity, and true Native Americans were banished to distant casinos and trailer parks.  All of this will be told in my upcoming movie, Mayflower 2:  Rise of the Pilgrims.  It will star basically everybody who starred in the G.I. Joe movies.  It will also have the same basic plot.  Basically, I'm just going to voice dub over G.I. Joe.

Anyways, this is another one of those rambling posts where I don't have anything really important to talk about, so I just start typing and see what comes out.  I could collect all these random posts together and make a book called, "First Draft."  In between my stream of consciousness style writing, I surf twitter and other access points of information (aka youtube.  seriously that's the only other "access point") and find wonderful things to waste my time.  My latest find comes from a Youtube user named ScottBradleeLovesYa.  He is a pianist and quite a talented one.  If you have the time, I'd start with this amazing video:

Twinkle Twinkle

And then work your way through the other 78 videos he's posted.  If nothing else, check out the old timey versions of Call Me Maybe and Thriftshop.  They're really good!

I don't have a lot else to say.  But as usual, this post is lacking pictures, so here's a picture of my new dining table, filled with all the food my friends and I made on Friday night:

Also, I just remembered this.  When walking to lunch earlier today, I saw a homeless guy who was carrying a bed roll, a back pack and a V is for Vendetta mask.  This frightened me to no end, until I realized that I took this selfie about 2 months ago. 

Guess I'm ready for when the next Stapleton Swinger Party happens!

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

$h!t My Parents Say - A New Book Written By Shia LaBeouf

With a high of 61 degrees and sunny today, it's easy to forget that just a couple weeks ago we had one of the worst freezes in Colorado's recorded history.  (I have not verified, nor even researched this fact.  If it turns out to be false, I'll copy and paste Shia LeBeouf's apology letter.)  But this warm and pleasant pre Christmas week weather is a good transition as I prepare to make the annual Christmas trek to Florida next week.  And like many of the pioneers who carved out this great land before me, I'll probably die of dysentery along the way.

As a preview of my much too long 2 week trip to Florida, my parents came to visit me over the weekend.  This was their first time here since I moved, and the first I've seen them since I visited back in August.  One thing you need to know about my parents.  They are certifiably, without a doubt, bat shit crazy.  Oh sure, everybody says that about their parents, but I bet you all don't keep a running log of proof!  Luckily for you, that's exactly what I did.

First up.....MOM:

When we were first pulling up towards my neighborhood, my mom was asking about local places to eat.  She looks across the street and says, "Oooh, do you ever go to that restaurant over there?  What's it called....Fridays?"  It was a TGI Fridays.

4 AM apparently seemed to be an appropriate time to wake up for my mom, and start rearranging my kitchen.

Finally, when driving home from dinner, my mom says, "I don't really like rap music."  Nobody had been talking before that statement.  Also, we were listening to Neil Young.

Next up.....DAD.

My dad was telling my mom something about NORAD.  She asked what that was.  He said, "It's the North American Defense System."  He had inadvertantly just spelled out NADS.

Throughout the weekend, my dad talked about his last trip to Denver.  He was convinced that there was an amazing Indian restaurant downtown that I had to go to.  He said "if we find the Holiday Inn downtown, then I know we'll find the restaurant.  He brought this up about 10 times just on the first day.  So the second morning, we drive downtown if for nothing else than to shut him up about this hotel, and we find the Holiday Inn.  As we pull up to he says, " know, I think I actually stayed at the Sheraton."  Oh, and this trip he took to Denver?  It was in 1989.

Throughout the weekend, whenever we drove ANYWHERE, my dad would tell my mom at least 10x, "Look!  Look at the mountains!!"  Yes. In Denver.  Where the mountains are literally all around us.  As if they would up and move somewhere else overnight.

Finally, my dad has this knack for unsolicited explanations of the simplest, most basic things.  I'm talking things like what is a lawn sprinkler, why there are coat hooks in a restaurant, and the latest one from the weekend, why a restaurant has both inner and outer doors.  These are real things that have been described at great lengths to me....because apparently I'm incredibly ignorant.  Or an alien.  In which case, he'd be the perfect person to introduce my species to Earth.

So yes, it's a miracle I didn't headbutt anybody or anything this weekend.  I wonder how I'll survive the two weeks at home.  But, this weekend was not all frustration and fury.  We did see some cool stuff, like....

How candy gets made....

The obligatory trip to Red Rocks....

How to plan a trip to the Denver Mint and the Art Museum around days when they are closed.

Not pictured...because everything was usually closed the day we went.

And the Blossoms of Light at the Denver Botanical Gardens.

So with that, I again start to wonder how exactly I will make it through two whole weeks with these insane people.  Mostly, I'll try to stay reasonably drunk, and have an exit strategy for whenever my dad starts explaining to me how water comes out of the faucet.  Or what is a faucet.  Or what is water......

Thursday, December 12, 2013

It's Pronounced, "Fo-ty"

Yesterday I talked a lot about the wondrous things that keep happening every day.  I won't keep on it too much more, but seriously, did you guys hear about the sign language interpreter at Nelson Mandela's funeral?  Apparently he wasn't an actual interpreter, nor did he actually know sign language.  He just waved his arms around and figured nobody would know?  What do people in South Africa think sign language is?  A stop sign?  A yield sign?  Pointing at a McDonalds menu??  Then yesterday, after the news harpies harped all over this story, the man decided to really save face by saying that he was having a schizophrenic episode during the ceremony.  And the company that hired this dude?  DISAPPEARED off the face of the Earth.  It's so crazy, and I love it!  I mean, this was such an easily avoidable prank...if only by a 2 minute vetting of the company or the interpreter prior to putting him on INTERNATIONAL television.  WONDER!

Ok, enough of that.

So Christmas is just around the corner, and I know you guys are all wondering what to get the Denver Omlette in your life who has everything.  Well if you know anything about anything, you know that the best gift you could possible get me is an Ellipti-Go.  This is the greatest, most ridiculous thing ever created.  But of course, they are expensive, and I know a lot of you are on tight budgets what with the...uh...economy...and all.  Thanks Obama!  So for those of you that aren't able to drop that kind of Ellipti-Go like money, I found the next best thing to fulfill my exercise while being idiotic dreams.

I give you....The Desk Cycle!

Too often are we idly sitting at our desk toiling mindlessly through the internet hallways.  And while our fingers are getting a great workout doing pushups on the mouse and dead lifts on the keyboard, our legs just hang out below, atrophying away.  But no longer!  Now, with the Desk Cycle, you can be business up top, and pre scandal Lance Armstrong below!  When your boss comes in and says, "working hard or hardly working?" you can honestly tell him you're working hard, at building the biggest quads seen since the last Mr. Universe contest.  And sure, you'll look like a whacko when you get up to use the bathroom, and your legs know no other way of walking but in circular motion, just think about the next time you need to rent a B-Cycle with some visiting friends, and you speed off miles ahead of them in 10 seconds flat!  The possibilities are endless!

Finally, I'd like to end this week (because this IS the end of my work week BOOM!) with a discussion on the difference between an exaggeration and a lie.  This was something I was trying to explain to a 5 year old last weekend, and I couldn't figure out how to do it in plain terms.  So like everything else I write about, let me hash it out here for you folks, and see if we can't come to some good definitions.  While we all know that a lie is simply the act of stating something that is not true, an exaggeration is harder to explain (without opening up  I think the best way to describe it is, taking a comment that is true, and blowing it up so big that people can't help but be interested in it.  I blame television.  TV has taught us that rather than describe things in such detail that you can literally visualize the thing a person is talking about, it's easier to just make a blanket statement and let the audience fill in the blanks.  For example, I could tell you that Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly made a comment that both Jesus and Santa were both white and that it is a verifiable fact.  It's a FACT that she said that.  But I'd rather say, Fox News Anchor Megyn Kelly's comments about Jesus and Santa being verifiably white is the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard come out of any vapid talking face ever in the nation.  This might be an exaggeration, because there's a good chance that the very next thing to come out of that talking face will be even worse.  However, it does make you think of the most ridiculous thing YOU'VE ever heard, and automatically put this on top of that.  That's just how the brain works my friend.

All of this of course, was a misdirect, because the real point of talking about exaggerations is so you know that I understand the definition, and can therefore tell you that this is NO exaggeration when I say that the following Conan remote with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart is the single funniest thing I've ever seen in my whole life in the universe of things.  Please and Thank You.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

It's a Wonderful Life

The thing about living is, every day something ridiculously wonderful happens that just leaves you standing, mouth agape.  Hollywood has taught us that these have to be significant events set to a background of Fallout Boy music, but I disagree!  I think all the little events in life that we experience are worth more than any Fallout Boy song.  And when I say little, I mean the tiny little things that just happen every day that reaffirm everything we believe in.  For example:

We have birthday celebration for a coworker, which somehow leads to a discussion of cell phones.  This particular coworker says he never uses his cell phone.  In fact he hasn't charged it in months.  He's literally not had a working cell phone in months.  I asked him how he makes phone calls.  He said, he calls the Operator and says, "Jenny connect me to 3-1-9 please."  I couldn't tell if he was joking.  WONDER!

In the same cake eating meeting, another coworker said she wouldn't even know where to plug in a phone at her house.  My boss said, "well you have a data jack at least somewhere right?  For where you plug in your modem at home?"  She said, "No...I have wireless."  In my head, I was waiting for somebody to ask me, as the resident Indian, to explain to her why her conclusion was wrong.  Luckily it never came to this, and she was able to leave the meeting comforted by the fact that she has magic internet.  WONDER!

Also, we had a cake eating meeting today.  WONDER!

I had a phone call with somebody from another agency.  At the end of the call he said, "Thanks for your help Ohchu."  There was a three second pause before I responded, while I was trying to figure out whether to correct his pronunciation of my name, or if I should just say god bless you.  I'm sure that he was just shooting in the dark.  I mean, what must have been going through his head, as he gathered the nerve to even attempt saying the name he clearly didn't hear at the beginning of the convo.  He must have known he would be wrong, but what other iterations of the name did he go through before settling on "Ohchu?"  The three seconds before I responded were probably pure torture for that guy.  You can't help but marvel at the audacity of butchered attempt at my name.  WONDER!

For our holiday party next week, we're having a family feud type game.  All the departments were paired up and told to pick 5 volunteers to represent their team.  I quickly wrote an email out to my department and HR and said, "I volunteer as tribute."  Not 10 seconds later, from this group of old, farty boring people, I got the response I was looking for.  "May the odds be ever in your favor!"  WONDER!

That the final choice for TIME magazine's Person of the Year were between Pope Francis.....and Miley Cyrus!  WONDER!

Anyways, all of these things happened before 10 AM today, which is amazing unto itself!  If you stop and appreciate all this great wonder around you, it's hard not to be in a good mood.  So just take a minute the next time somebody says something stupid, or annoying, or you're in the middle of a cake eating meeting, and just recognize it for what it is.  A great miracle of everyday life.  And to quote a line from Scrooged, "If you waste that miracle, you're gonna burn for it.  I know what I'm talking about."  SUPER inspirational, right?

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

If I Searched Google for Super Mario Bros, You Could Say I Was Browsing My Browser for Bowser

I'd like to start today's blog off with a new series stole from Capital One credit cards called, "What's In Your Web Browser?"  In this game, I'd like you all to take a minute and just take stock of what other windows you have open in your web browser.  Unless you are using a Mac to read this, in which case I have no idea how that works.  Every time I use my friend's Mac I feel like I'm opening a new universe when I want to check out a website or something.  Or unless you're on a mobile device, in which case you're younger than 27 probably.

But if you fit the criteria to play this game, I'd appresh hearing how you stacked out!  As for me, I have the following windows open:

Twitter:  The all knowing, news providing, Justin Biebering, info dump.  Ever since facebook was disallowed on our computers, Twitter has become my new obsession when it comes to frantically clicking refresh to get new tweets.  I don't really understand how to read any of them, mind you, especially if Quest Love writes something, since he only speaks in links and hashtags.

Meetup:  There's a MeetUp tonight for the Solo in Stapleton group at this great bar near my house.  Considering going, although there's nothing quite as awkward as going to a singles event.  Especially because I feel like most people going to those events bring friends, which is pretty much the most unfair thing you can do.  I think I saw a few people saying they were bringing a +1, which is infuriating.  It's like saying, "Oh yeah, I get it, I'm single too....except for these 1104192436 friends I have at my disposal to do things with at a moments notice, including going to a singles only event."  Thanks Jerkball!  Well I think I've thoroughly convinced myself not to go.  Or maybe I'll go and be like, "oh there's an event here?  That's so lame!  I mean...what's the event?  Oh yeah...yeah!  I AM single too!  Wow what a coincidence!"  Anyways, I will never go to these events, so really there's no reason to be on Meet Up at all.

Next up I have three recipe web pages open.  Because this lull time in my day (read:  at work), is the best time for me to plan new and delicious meals.  It's too bad my old blog about poorly shot pictures of food ingredients was deleted, otherwise I could talk more about these recipes.

Finally, the last page I have up is my fantasy football page, where I'm happy to announce I've made the playoffs this year.  What does this mean?  I now have a 1 in 4 chance to win money I've already spent.  So....fingers crossed!

Fun game!  I think I won, because....because.  In other news, we had our weekly team meeting today where the following comments were made to or about me:

Boss:  "What do you mean?  What have you been doing all week?"  He said he was just kidding, but I responded that I didn't appreciate all these hate filled attacks.

Co-Worker #1:  We'll just have him do it...."  He was pointing at me when this was said, but unfortunately I was so zoned out thinking about lunch that I have no idea what I've been assigned now.

Co-Worker #2:  When I started talking to her and she turned to look at me, she said, "AHHH!!!"  So clearly......I'm hideous.

There could have been more, but again, totally zoned out.  Finally, in my last bit of news today, we've finally reached above freezing today after a week of cold temperatures.  My weather app says it's 49 and sunny, which may as well be Summer for all I remember of it now.  Time to break out the board shorts and extra long tank tops!

PS - I do not own board shorts and tank tops.  I haven't owned them since college when a girl told me I should reinvent my look and shop at PacSun.  Worst advice I've ever received.  I looked like what Kumar probably dressed like if they ever did a Harold and Kumar go to Cancun on Spring Break movie.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Listen Here Doll, This Weekend Was The Cat's Pajamas

With the holiday season upon us......That's the sentence that starts a lot of commercials, blogs, articles, etc.  during this time of year.  I thought if I wrote that out, it would give me inspiration to start today's blog.  But the minute I wrote, I felt the tight constraint of conformity starting to form around my blog, and I immediately had to switch gears.  Then somebody just walked in and started talking to me about printers and dentists, so now I've lost all momentum I felt like I built.  So let's just start over.

As you know, Monday blog updates are usually dedicated to summarizing my weekend shenanigans.  And this update is no different.  In fact the only difference I would say is the lack of pictures I'm putting in this post.  I know that disappoints more than a few of you, who only read the blog for the pictures.  (I'm like the opposite of Playboy.)  I promise I'll try to do better next time.  This weekend, with the backdrop of snow and freezing temperatures, was actually a weekend of celebrations.  Feeling like the most popular girl in school during prom time, I was invited to several parties on Saturday and got to pick and choose how to fill my calendar.  On this multiple choice test, I was invited to:

A.  A cookie exchange and ugly sweater party
B.  My boss's annual Christmas party (The whole District Office gets invited)
C.  A neighbor's housewarming / christmas party
D.  My friend's 2nd annual 30th birthday party

Take a minute and decide which two of these four parties I went to.  It's ok....I'll wait.
Got your answers?  Well if you wrote down A, you'd be dead wrong.  What about my life makes you think that I, as the only single person in all of Stapleton, would go to a cookie exchange ugly sweater party?  That would be the worst possible way to meet other single people in the neighborhood, if they even exist.  If you picked A, get your mind right!

An obvious answer would be B.  I mean, what better way to both score points with your boss, and get to check out his bank rollin' gangsta lifestyle than by snooping around his bathrooms?  But since schmoozing is on the list of things I'd rather be shot at than do, it wasn't something I was really looking forward to.  In fact, the only real motivation to going this was not disappointing my boss, since disappointing people is one of the worst feelings I get.  In fact my mantra might even be, If at first you don't succeed, find out who you disappointed and feel bad for awhile and then try again but make sure they know about it.  Yeah i know it's no Obladi Oblada but whatever, I'm no The Beatles.  Back to the core story though, I did NOT go to this party.

So with those choices eliminated, if you guessed C and D, then you know me well!  For me, if I was going to use up any schmoozing credits, it would be for the purpose of trying to make new friends.  Best way to make new friends is to worm your way into their lives.  This was made ever so easy by going to their housewarming party.  These people have lived in Colorado for awhile, so they have a fairly big circle of friends.  The guy's family actually grew up near by so of course there was ton of people there who were way older and not necessary for me to meet, but I still made the rounds.  While there weren't many, there were some single ladies there that I noticed immediately, but in true D.O. fashion,  I spent the majority of the night talking to the old guy that was their pastor at their wedding, the really old lady who literally, "fell and couldn't get up" outside the house, and needed to tell me about it for 20 minutes, and the one really cool lady who I totally connected with and had a great conversation with only to find out she was moving to another state in 2 weeks.  But whatever, it was all about getting known.  And I think it worked, in good part thanks to a trick I decided to use.

I've always found when introducing myself, people get so scared at the thought of having to remember how to pronounce my name that they either forget they ever met me, or butcher my name so badly, that when they bring me up later, the person they're talking to politely just nods having no idea who they're talking about.  So this time, instead of wasting time repeating my name a bunch of times, I decided to just introduce myself as "the neighbor."  And it worked!  Some lady who I've forgotten now actually said to me at the party that "she heard good things about the neighbor."  No such thing as bad press!

Finally, after the requisite amount of meet and greet was over, I high tailed it across town to celebrate my friend's birthday.  For her birthday, we went to dinner at a very awesome, authentic Japanese restaurant located in the warehouse district.  I call it the warehouse district because that sounds cool.  Like how San Francisco has the meat packing district.  Just sounds cooler.  Anyways, this restaurant was very good.  My friend was served a bottomless fountain of sake that was her birthday present from the restaurant.  I had some yakisoba udon, and there were rice krispies on the sushi.  Life was good.

After dinner, we went back to her house and played camp games while drinking.  We were going to go to Denver's best speakeasy, William & Graham, but that never happened.  Too bad, because I had been practicing my 1920s dialect for the specific purpose of going there and using it.  But the games we played were fun, especially some strange repetition game which may or may not have been a cult indoctrination....or the 12 days of Christmas.  All I remember of if now was saying "One Duck, Couple of Geese, Three Brown Bears, Body of Christ, For the Blood Master of Destruction...." or something like that.

So yeah, that was the party circuit on Saturday.

On Sunday, some friends came over and we went to brunch to the most pork-tastic restaurant in all of Stapleton.  Afterwards, and the real reason I wanted them to come down, we came back to my house and I gave their 5 year old son an early Christmas present.  I bought him an awesome Penguin looking sled and we made attempt to go sledding down some hills by my house.  I say attempt because the thin layer of snow covering the ground was not that great for sledding, but the icy sidewalks we couldn't see did help give some momentum!  After an hour or so of sledding, snowball fighting, and yelling at what I claimed was a wolf inside a dark tunnel, we went back to my house and made Sweet Potato biscuits, because why not?  And thus, here is the only picture I took this whole weekend:

They're vomiting marshmallows

So yeah, that was my weekend.  Recognize game, son!

Friday, December 6, 2013

A Seasonal Guide to Fist Pumpery

Ahh Friday!  The pinnacle of existence.  The reason we go to work each morning...hell, the only reason I get up at all on Fridays is knowing that the next day I can get up oh so slightly later.  Even the small victories are worth it!  The end of the week truly is a reason for celebration.  And why not?  Two days off of revelry before we restart this mind numbing life force draining machine of work again.  We get to rejuvenate our souls!  Replenish what little drive we have left to breathe every day!  Rejoice in the fact that we don't have to step outside into the -1 degree weather at 6 AM just so we can catch a bus for our long commute to work where we sit for 9 hours doing abso-effing-lutely nothing but writing blogs and avoiding phone calls.  This is totally relatable to everybody right?

Well just knowing that the weekend is mere hours away is a reason to start pumping those fists in the air.  But let's not cheapen the activity by just going all Jersey Shore on it.  Let's remember that every fist pump should have meaning behind it.  In today's FPF installation, we examine the changing seasons in Colorado, and the Fist Pumps behind each one.


Springtime in the Rockies is a pretty great time of year.  The frigid cold of winter starts releasing its icy grip, with only intermitten raging snow storms that we didn't even see in Winter to remind us that "Eff You, I'm Mother-effin' Nature!"  But with the spring, sports that aren't football come back to us.  Basketball takes us into the playoffs and March Madness.  Baseball begins its spring training.  And this athleticism is not restricted to just the professionals.  Spring also brings the return of some Denver's craziest 5Ks.  Oh sure the people that were snow shoeing and ice luging just months earlier are like, "please call me when there's a Ultra Marathon happening.  I'll be over at REI teaching the employees how to parkour up a 14er."  But for the rest of us, there are crazy fun 5Ks that involve carpet bombing people with different colors as they run through an amusement park.


The great thing about Spring is that with the intermitten snow storms, it gives us an excuse to just ease into the more active summer lifestyle.  Sure you run a 5K, but then 2 days later it's a blizzard so you sit at home and watch Downton Abby all day.  Because once that last frost hits, summer comes out in full force.  It's at this time, that you start looking westward to the mountains for any excuse to get some respite from the triple digit heat.  While the parks are full with volleyball games, and the dusty roads reflecting the sun as if the entire city was a sauna (pronounced sow-u-na), intrepid Denverites typically head up to the mountains to conquer.....something.  Then after trekking their way up the treacherous paths, the quad killing switchbacks, and the fear inducing rock scrambles, they reach the peak....and then ruin it all by doing god awful poses like this one.


As we cross the summer solitice and Saturn moves into Jupiter (I don't know what that means), we start noticing the days getting ever so slightly shorter and shorter.  As a crisp bite to the air seeps in the early morning and late evenings, we lament over how short the summer seemed, and how it was JUST SNOWING like a couple months ago.  But we do appreciate what autumn really brings.  The changing color the aspens...the reintroducting to all things pumpkin spiced, and most importantly, the start of Football season.  This religious holiday is one of the greatest phenomenon of all time.  It comes right after aurora borealis, and before sliced bread.  Because let's face it, there are so many things greater than sliced bread.  Why the hell do we use that phrase?  Who is so lazy that they thought pre-sliced bread was god damn amazing?  But I digress....  Here in Colorado, football is celebrated much like other sports, but even more so here, because we have one of the greatest football hereos ever known.

HAHAHA Sike!  You know I really meant this guy.


With three wonderful seasons behind us, we're left only with the harsh realization that it is winter.  Oh sure, the world over we have tried to gussy up this season with holiday cheer.  We said, "we'll be warm if we have full bellies" so Thanksgiving was born.  We said, "what if we dress up somebody in a giant fur coat and roast the one nut nobody actually knows how to eat over the fireplace?"  Hence, Christmas.  Hell we even said, "Nothing else has worked, let's commit suicide by alcohol poisoning and bad life decisions."  Thus...New Years Eve.  Sure there are slopes to be skied, pow to be shredded(?), snow to be shoed......but screw that.  It is time to hibernate.  Let us not celebrate this season.  Or else we'll all end up like this fool.

This picture was taken early Wednesday morning near the park n ride where I catch the bus.

And with that I wish you all a very merry Fist Pump Friday!!!

PS - Bonus Video Treat.  Just because.  If you're a guy it will probably give you a boner.  Just saying.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

The Best Labia Sale of 2013 Goes To....

Exactly two months after getting rear ended by some sheister with sheister insurance, I was finally able to pick my car up today.  The drive down to the body shop was perilous as ever since the snowfall event of 2013 (i.e. yesterday.)  It took about an hour and a half to navigate the highways and local roads to get to the body shop in south Littleton.  When my boss recommended this body shop, and when I looked them up online, and when I scheduled an appointment, and the week between the time I schedule the appointment and the appointment, I could have probably looked up where this body shop actually was.  But I waited until I was literally driving there to figure it out, and hence, I discovered it was about as far away from Denver as it could reasonably be.  Add snow packed roads on top of all of that, plus a car with poor handling and bald tires, and you get a picture of my morning...

But it was all worth it because I am so happy to be back in my own car!  I can't believe I was even considering buying a new Forester.  When I saw my beautiful Honda, in it's BMW Silver paint, clean as the day it was born, roll up to the front door of the shop, it was like re-adopting a baby you decided you didn't want but realized you wanted all along (cue Lifetime Movie.)  I think the shop actually repaired or at least touched up some of the old damage on the car too.  At least on the driver's side.  The passenger's side still looks like the car was used as a prop to slow down a semi truck who's brakes were cut.  Damn Miami parking garages....

As far as the snow's concerned, the sun is out today in full force, and although it's a mere 7 degrees outside, the sun is actively melting the snow off the roads, which will make the commute home much more manageable.  I did manage to take one picture this morning, right around sunrise, of the serene landscape in front of my house.  Snow really is beautiful if you don't have to drive in it.  Or shovel it off your drive way and front porch at 6 PM when it's pitch black outside.

PS, I lost some Christmas lights and plugs under the snow.  It was too cold to go digging around for them, so as the snow starts melting a bit today, it will be an interesting battle between the plugs being usable vs me electrocuting myself when i go to plug in lights tonight.

What else is there to say.  Oh yeah I remember!  I emailed myself last night with the words "Weiner Texting Surgery" to remind me to blog about hearing that Anthony Weiner's sexting partner recently got plastic surgery on her vagina.  This is not that big of a deal.  What IS strange though, is that she is now auctioning off the excess labia online.  This is a serious W T Fuck moment.

Finally, it's December 5th, which means only 26 days more days until the new year.  Since we're here, in the twilight of 2013, this is the time that all the "Best of 2013" lists start coming out.  So to add to the fervor, I gift you all with this splendid tribute to all top songs of 2013.  This is actually really good.

I'm sure this year's HTD song is in there somewhere....

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Fred Loya Can Suck It

So yesterday I get a call from Enterprise saying that Fred Loya, the most d-bag insurance company in the nation, called them and said my car was done.  I replied, “well, neither Fred Loya, the most d-bag insurance company in the nation, nor the body shop have called or emailed me to tell me that.  So if my car is really done, and the fact that we’re getting snow tonight and into tomorrow, the earliest I’ll be able to go pick up my car is Thursday.”

So the Enterprise guy says, “OK, well just so you know, Fred Loya, the most d-bag insurance company in the nation, is saying that if your car is done today then today’s the last day they’re paying for the car rental.”

W.T. Fuck.

So after I hang up with them, and yes I did tell them that Fred Loya, the most d-bag insurance company in the nation, are a bag of assholes, I call up the body shop to find out what’s up.  They inform me that they sent Fred Loya, the most d-bag insurance company in the nation, a final bill which they still hadn’t responded to.  So how could they possibly release my car if they haven’t even been paid yet?!  So where is Fred Loya, the most d-bag insurance company in the nation, getting their information that my car is finished?!

Oh and don’t forget, this is all a result of a car accident where some joker rear ended me, TWO MONTHS AGO tomorrow.  Two stinking months!  It’s seriously scenarios like this that Criminal Minds uses as a back story for serial killers.

In conclusion, if somebody rear ends you and they have crappy insurance, take their family as hostages until they pay you cash for the damages.  At least I have both the body shop and the rental car place calling Fred Loya, the most d-bag insurance company in the nation, to find out what’s up.  And this insurance agent that works god he’s the worst!  The one and only time he calls me is early in the process to wake me up at 7 AM on a Saturday and tell me that he’s the guy who’s cooridinating everything.  Which I guess meant nothing, since every time I called him since then he tried to deflect or redirect my call to somebody else.  While I’d never wish death on anybody, I wish him the most violent case of diarrhea in a bathroom that only stocks rough sandpaper in the stalls.  And maybe Chlamydia.  Yeah, I hope he gets that too.

This is me after that phone call.

 In other news, I came into work about an hour late today.  Not because I overslept, which is usually what happens.  No...I woke up on time...early in fact, but it took me twice as long to get to the bus stop, swervin' and slippin' all over the road and driving slow....and then missed my bus by about 100 feet.  Had to wait 30 minutes for the next bus which took an hour because of all the ice on the road.  Gotta love winter.  Seems like a LOT of effort just to come to work and do nothing all day.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

End Period Of Period Days Period

In the movie The Day After Tomorrow (aka The Day Before Two Days From Now, aka The Day a Week From Last Monday), that one actor who always plays a has been something in every movie is the father of Jake Gylenhaal, played by Jake Gyllenhall.  Also how the hell do you spell his last name?  Anyways, the Has Been guy is a scientist who discovers that the ice caps are melting because of aerosol spray cans, and tries to tell Dick Cheney about it, who promptly tries to shoot him in a hunting accident.  Then the movie gets weird because instead of people melting due to the oppressive heat, the Earth sends hurricanes of freeze ray like stuff into the Northern Hemisphere and kills off a bunch of people including the Queen of England.  I wonder what the point of that was.  It didn't add much shock value here in the US....I mean we figured the freezicane did what time was going to do in the next couple years anyways.  But Jake G was stuck in an old library, that was apparently built with insulation well beyond it's years since the freezicanes couldn't penetrate the building.  I mean CGI wolves could get into a freaking Navy aircraft carrier, but wind couldn't get into a hundred year old building.  Go figure.  At the end of the movie, everybody moves to Mexico, because Dick Cheney made them.  In the unmade sequel, A Few Days After A Different Day, all the Mexicans were sent back to the Northern Hemisphere to find dead bodies, and then were racistly called organ pickers.

But if that movie taught me anything, it's that several days of consistently frigid temperatures truly are the End of Days.  I mean.....this:

That is the weather for this week here in Denver.  It's expected to start snowing some time in the afternoon, and then heavier snow all throughout tomorrow.  Thursday's low was upgraded from -12 to -7, so i guess I can shed one of the 17 layers I was planning on wearing that day.  Sure some of you reading this are like, "oh I'm from such and such place where there snow builds up 60 feet before we start caring about it."  Well good for you crazy face!  I hope you get buried in it!  No I don't.  This is my fear of imminent death talking.

In case that's not enough to put the fear in you, here's some other events that have happened recently to prove that it truly is the End of Days.

- Paul Walker died, meaning bad weather would be coming Fast and Furious.  (Too soon?  eh, who cares.)

- Somebody beat Alabama, meaning the South will rise again and start lynching people of all races soon enough.

- Delta cancelled an entire flight this holiday weekend, just to transport the UF men's basketball team to their next game.  Seriously, hundreds of people booted off a flight to accomodate 35 collegiates.  PS - they lost.

- The fact that MTV is still making The Real World.  This time, everybody's ex will move in to the house mid season.....yeah, that's a plot twist.  Do they not realize everybody will BE each other's exes by that point in the season too?

- The fact that all the real news I get is from Twitter.  Meaning I know about Justin Bieber, racism (thanks Gawker!) and that Paul Walker is dead.

- That sometimes raising awareness for men's health issues....turns into this.  Nightmares.....

- Miley Cyrus, and her giant digital cat army.

But all is not lost.  There is light at the end of this frozen tunnel.  There are good things happening in the world.  Things that might just get us through Christmas and into 2014.  I mean...there's a Pope who actually seems like a decent guy.  Who'd have thought we'd have another one of those in our lifetime?  And there's an internet video of a squirrel fainting.  I bet that's cool, right?  I haven't watched it but people seem to think it's great.  Finally, If we all make it through the harsh realities of December, and finish our Christmas shopping early, we can all relax, have martinis and watch classic movies like....End of Days.

Monday, December 2, 2013

R.I.P. Paul Walker - You Truly were an Actor in Movies That I Never Saw

It was a month before Christmas,
and on the TV
shows were stopping mid-season
For no reason if you ask me

All the great shows,
like The Walking Dead,
would be put out to pasture
until the year ahead

And what would replace
our prime time lineups?
Christmas Carols and Santa Claus,
And other holiday time sucks.

So as you go home this evening,
to shows less than par
I hope that you are privileged
to a full DVR.

- T.S. Eliot

Well this was quite the fun filled, alcohol fueled, poultry fowled weekend.  One big lesson I learned this weekend.  Drinking heavily 4 days in a row with little sleep in between is ok when you're 23.  Not when you're 32.  When you're 32, you are allowed one night of drunken revelry, followed by 72 hours of of groaning on the couch and making tea.  If you break these rules, your body will proceed to shut down at the end of the weekend as if it was giving up entirely.  This is what happened to me, and I continue to suffer through this complete disengagement of my organs today.  But to understand that, you need to know how I got to this stage.  My weekend highlights are as follows.


Went to my neighbor's house for thanksgiving.  Arrived at 2 PM.  Was drunk at 2:45 PM.  Continued drinking until 10:30 PM.  During the course of the day:

- Met a married couple who proceeded to discuss all the different blow job bets they make each other constantly.

- Met a guy who seemed to be trying to seduce every girl at the party.  I think I might have been seduced at one point....hard to tell.... I drank a LOT.

- After several glasses of wine, whiskey and champagne, accompanied by some food, we proceeded to play several games.

- We played cranium, which involved me being awesome at cranium, which I always am, and another guy who kept referring to the rules every time he didn't win.  Oh and that's when the whole losers have to take shots of fireball rule started.

- Played catchphrase, which involved passing some SIMON like machine like a hot potato around a circle until it buzzed on you and you drank shots of Fireball.  That was my first time playing so I assume that was rules.

- Tried playing apples to apples, but luckily everybody realized how much that game sucks butt, so it ended quickly.  At this point a couple guys left to go get solo cups for the next game, while I stayed back and witnessed some extremely strange, drunken behavior from the hostess of the party.  I won't go into details, but suffice to say, she probably remembers nothing.

- The last game of the night was called Scud.  In this game, you drink massive quantities of shitty beer while knocking over other people's cups of beer all over the hardwood table and floors.  The host's job is to try and not freak the eff out that his house is literally being ruined by shitty beer while trying to paper towel the entire floor.  Again, it was my first time playing, so if there was a different point to this game, we didn't know it.

After this game ended, I made my exit and walked the whole 3 houses down to mine.


After a night of excessive drinking of everything imaginable, the best thing you can do is wake up early and make breakfast for your friends, their 5 year old son, and then spend the day hanging Christmas lights on your house......right?  Hope so, because that's what I did!  I woke up that morning to a text message from some friends who were on their way over.  After whipping up some waffles, we went out, got a tree and Christmas'd the hell out of my house.  We spent over an hour just getting the lights up on the front of the house.  And by we, I mean my friend, who did all the work for me.  His son helped by removing all the mulch from the flower beds in front of my house....which I swept back in later.

Later that evening, some other friends came over, we made some fried rice, played ping pong, drank too much wine, and got into a debate about female equality and strip clubs.  I don't know who won the debate, especially because I was arguing both sides.


Finally deciding that I should at least start my Christmas shopping, I went to the mall by my house looking for some inspiration.  After 2 hours, I left with a new sweater and a pair of jeans....for me.  I then went to the Sugar Plum Bazaar, a local artist / craftsman / load of crap event held at some big mansion in Denver every year.  My friend I was meeting there warned me that this would be an estrogen filled event, and she was not wrong.  Luckily for me, I always feel out of place wherever I am, so this was not as overwhelming as it could have been.  And I even found some cool christmas gifts for my niece out of it.

Afterwards, I went to another friend's house to help them paint their dining room.  I don't really remember what happened after that, since I'm fairly sure I passed out from the fumes.  I'm told that we finished the room, drank too many egg nog martinis, and then rushed to a movie theater across town to see the 2nd Hunger Games Movie.  I'm also told it was good, and that I found it to be much closer to how I imagined the book. 


Finally, with my body enraged at how I spent the last three days, I thought I would take it easy from the booze and have a nice calm day, christening our new "green" in the neighborhood.  With an outdoor day planned by one of the neighbors, I trekked it out there in the cold to meet some new neighbors.  Unfortunately, I also brought a bottle of whiskey with me, and didn't realize how much of it I was drinking until I got home that evening.  But whilst I was there, I met some interesting people.  One of my neighbors told me he and his wife wanted to set me up with somebody.....weird.  I met another guy who's been labeled the "Conservative" of Conservatory Green.  This fine fellow showed his true douche colors by demanding some of my whiskey, then proceeding to call me a "mom" because I brought stuff to the park in a tote bag, and then demanding to know why I would dare move to Stapleton if I was single.  So great that he's going to be my neighbor!  He also told me that I would be hosting a poker night for him.  I said sure, but in my mind I was assuming that involved me jamming a hot poker into his eyes repeatedly.  Unfortunately, I didn't meet anybody new that didn't have children, so my circle of people I would even think about hanging out with ever remains as small as ever.

After I got home from the park, my body finally decided that enough was enough.  I went into complete everything failure, and sit here in what is probably my last 24 hours on this Earth.  All I ask of you friends, is that you remember me fondly.  When I've gone, if you would just replace all the R.I.P. Paul Walker memes with R.I.P. Denver Omlette, I'd really appreciate it.  I mean I would if I could actually read your messages to me on Facebook after I've already died.  And then if you could also tweet and instragram the same things you Facebooked, so that's there's no way I can missing your touching generic tribute, that would be tops.  Thanks Guys!  Good luck with the rest of your life!

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Today I Give Thanks to Turkeys and Strippers

I was so busy doing absolutely nothing today, that I almost forgot to write a blog post!  But never fear, I am getting one in here, just under the wire.  Today's post is in honor of Thanksgiving.  Like most holidays we celebrate in this world, Thanksgiving owes its origins to the myriad of people escaping religious oppression only to enforce it themselves onto other people.  Somehow the Christians stole this one from us too.  In a nut shell, the story of Thanksgiving goes like this.

So this boat full of people dressed strangely rowed across the ocean to another country.  And since google maps wasn't around, these people still assumed that it was India or something, therefore the people that lived there were Indians.  Thanks a lot Columbus Day!  So these people got to the new land and decided that God would protect them.  If you saw what these jokers wore in honor of God, you'd be like, yeah fellas....jokes on you!  Anyways, so they get to this new country with nothing but a bible and some dreams of greatness, and instead find out that they have to farm and heat and what not by themselves.  They don't have lower class people to do all that for them.  So they proceeded to self assassinate themselves through starvation, frost bite, and general stupidity.  Then some of the native people of the land, who I refuse to call Indians, were like, dude these jokers are fantastic.  But if we don't help them out, they're gonna die and THEN what are we gonna watch for entertainment?  It's gonna be YEARS before they invent a TV!  So these native people came over to the Pilgrims and taught them how to fish, hunt small mammals, and grow corn.  Of course, the Pilgrims tried to learn only the bare minimum of this stuff because they figured they could probably enslave the native people soon enough under the word of God and restore order to their English ways.  Or if nothing else, they could just Youtube it later when they needed to learn it again.  I think that's probably why so many people watch Duck Dynasty.  They are still trying to learn the lessons the Pilgrims never took seriously.  Anyways, so once they learned how to grow stuff and raise animals, they invited the natives over to thank them for saving the last of their kind.  It was at that meal that they struck a fateful deal.  The Pilgrims promised to call all their friends in Europe to come over to learn these new skills, and in return, the native people could construct giant hotel/casinos to house these newcomers, while stealing all their money in a game they seriously convinced white folk was called "Craps."  Seriously!  CRAPS!  Anyways, that's how Thanksgiving started.

Today we laugh at those naive people, who knew nothing of the Renaissance like enlightened state we are all enjoying today.  Only such enlightened people like us could possibly have two turkeys getting National attention because only one of them will receive a presidential pardon.  And oh yes....these turkeys have names.  Popcorn and Caramel.  That's right, in America, we name our national turkeys after strippers.  So here we are, wondering if Popcorn or Caramel will get a short reprieve from death, only to be sent back to a farm where it will probably still be turned into over salted lunch meat, while the other turkey's death will be celebrated while it is feasted on by the First Family.  I don't often say this, but this is probably the one time I could get behind a Fox News story about the White House being bat shit crazy.  But that would be too honest of a story....

So as you go into your blissful food comas tomorrow, just remember, one day America will be voting on your death by cage match...the way the Pilgrims always intended this land to be honored.

Until then, enjoy one of finest movies about Thanksgiving, ever made.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Thank You For Calling, How May I Hate You Today?

Well it's Thanksgiving week folks, and day 2 of the epic fu manchu.  At this point, I think I've guilted enough people who said they were participating, only to chicken out when they decided they didn't want a fu manchu, to go back and actually shave their faces for the contest.  I's for charity people!  Anyways, I'll save the Turkey Day blog for tomorrow, because today I'd like to tell you a little something about what I do for a living.  For those of you that don't know, I basically work at a call center for the most ridiculous company in the world.  The Government.  It's a shame too, because I feel like I spent my whole life trying to avoid typical Indian stereotypes of becoming a doctor or engineer, only to become a customer service call center employee.  How's that for irony?  What's worse, is that my customers are not average Joe's who just want to understand what the usury tax on their Verizon bill means.  No, my callers are 75 year old bankers who want to know if I'll approve an application they haven't filed yet.  Because apparently I'm a pre-cog.

See minutes 1:05-1:15

Today I've been inundated with these calls.  Here's how a few of these convos went:

Fool:  Hi.  Review this document and tell me if it's ok.
Me:  Ok...send it to me in an email....
Fool:  *sends email*
Me:  Uh, there's no document attached to this email
(The Next Day)
Fool:  I'm waiting for you to tell me if that document was ok or not.....
Me:  Uh...what document.  I told you I never got one.
Fool:  I sent it!!
Me:  No.  You did not.
Fool:  Oh ok, I'll send it then.


And then there was the hour and a half conference call I just got out of that went like this:

Room Full of Jokers:  So we are proposing this transaction, but instead of talking about it, we'd like to give you the history of our bank since it's inception in 1985.
Me:  OK.......
Me in My Mind:  Yeah...inception is right....because i've fallen asleep already, and am dreaming about falling asleep and dreaming.  Brain Five!
Room Full of Jokers: (an hour later):  So that's why we think we're awesome
Me:  OK........
Me in My Mind:  I hate you so much.  Moreover, I hate myself for having listened to you this long without telling you that you are cracktards.  All I want to do right now is tell you all to never call me again, reassess my life, drop the mic and peace out to HH.  At 11 AM.....
Room Full of Jokers:  So what do you guys think about this proposal?
Me:  Um...well...there are some high hurdles that you'd have to cross there....
Me in My Mind:  DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!!!!!

So this is my life now.  I've reach the pinnacle of my career here at this agency, as a typical Indian call center employee with good benefits.  Just think, I could have been an engineer, drawing stuff with math....and what not...  Yes, that's correct that I don't know what an engineer does.  Don't tell my dad or my brother.  I couldn't care less about what that job is.  Unless it's driving a train.  In that case, tell me everything.

In Conclusion, this is me today.

Monday, November 25, 2013

I Got That Reindeer Like Swagger

On Friday night, Stapleton hosted their Winter Welcome party.  This annual celebration to welcome the start of the Christmas shopping season is a fun filled family event where adult and child get to marvel together at the wondrous sights, sounds and smells of the season.  With the tree lit, the streets lined with merry revelers, and children cooking smores like this was camp, it truly brightened the mood and dare I say brought the Christmas spirit to one and all.

At least that's what they want you think.  That's what I'm sure the Stapleton newspaper will be saying about the event.  But beauty, they say is in the eye of the beholder.  This is the scene that I walked into, on that fateful Friday night.

"As we entered the encampment, the first thing I noticed was the stench.  The stench of burning pine filled my nostrils as families huddled around makeshift fires cooking what little food they were able to scavange from the nearby tents.  A zealous church group had gathered several tents together and were preaching the word of god while placating the scared masses with peppermint hot chocolate.  I tried some, but as the film of nestle's oldest dried on my tongue, I wondered what other nefarious chemicals were in the cup.  Once proud people lined the streets in disguise....some hiding the shame by blending into the background dressed as trees.  Hordes of chanting maniacs roamed the barricaded streets, dressed in their Victorian robes.  Some in the group were rumored to have been driven to such madness, that they were dressed as princesses from fairy tales.  To know that some had gone so far from the sanity of even the Christmas holiday would have been a hard pill to swallow....but I saw a lot that night that I never thought I would have seen.  The children who were victims of IEGs (improvised explosive glitter) ran madly through the streets searching for their families.  Shelter's had been constructed for lost dogs, once the proud pets of the Stapleton scene.  In one darkened area of our history, people had set up reindeer cage matches, with human bait to incense their primal urges, as pictured below.  It truly was the worst of times, and dare I say, the spirit of America was lost that day."

Well that was fun to write!  In other news, I went to a party Saturday night that was like 90% volleyball players.  This means they were all 8 feet tall and were name dropping local volleyball legends.  It was some of the best material one could want if they were writing an early 90s volleyball comedy, which after the party I've decided I must write.  The conversations I overheard incorporated all of the following classic cheesy comedy themes:

1.  Story of the underdog team that becomes champions
2.  The player who arrested before the big match (although this time it was for attempted murder....)
3.  A guy who swears Yeti's exist
4.  A guy who spent the whole movie eating twizzlers (this was me at the party)
5.  A girl who spent the whole party making what she described as "unicorn noises"
6.  An end of the night dubstep dance party, which exhibited some of the most winning moves I've ever seen.

The name of the movie is going to be, "National Lampoon's:  Volley-BALLS"

Lastly, the great facial hair challenge has finally come to a close.  After all $3,027 worth of votes were tallied, the Fu Manchu won by a landslide.  This means, the often complimented sexy Colorado look I had been tailoring for a month turned from this:

To the even SEXIER this:

Fact:  After this picture was taken, I arrested 3 innocent people and wrecked my motorcycle.  And probably had a relationship with my trailer.

Friday, November 22, 2013


So I think at this point, we're all pretty familiar with the idea of planking, or Tebowing, or even Owling.  All these things are typically done on twitstagram for the sole purpose of joining a larger group of fools who form the community of the internet.  It's amazing how much of this stuff is plastered on the internet if you just bother looking for it.  Or Watch E!.  Or have friends who are younger than 22.  Wow I actually wrote that as 23, and then changed it.  Like it made a difference. 

Anyways, on a radio podcast this morning I heard reference to something called Doubtfiring.  But Denver Omlette, you ask, isn't that just the act of casting doubt into people's arguments and shattering their belief systems?  No fool, that's the Daily Show.  Doubtfiring, made popular by the 1993 Blockbuster, involved shoving your face into a pie and then looking at the camera and shouting out a shrill, "Hellllloooooo!"  Can't picture it? 

Check this out...

Wow....right?  So that got me thinking, what other iconic movie from the 90's has turned into an idiotic thing to do on the internet?  I scoured the web for ideas, and here's a few potential things we might start seeing in the near future.

How about Shawshanking?

Here's a morbid about Sixth Sensing?

"I see dead people..."

Here's a good one...Titanicing!

Last one.......Silence of the Lambsing?

Ok that one was least I didn't go with Schindler's Listing!  Hey how nevermind.

Anyways, just a preview of what your peers out there are probably going to make.  Remember these are the people that will be on the jury when you commit a crime one day.  Think about that.  I think that's the best natural deterrant to a life of crime if ever there was one.

Lastly, let us not forget the best of all internet picture themes.  The great Fist Pump Friday, which both celebrates and mocks us for working on this, the end of the week.  But we take it in stride, and make the most of it.  For the rest of this week, let's all just try and be like this guy, who has perfected the art of internet foolery to the tee.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Fade In....

Sitting on the bus on my way home.  Listened to music/podcasts all day at work so don't feel like putting in the ear buds on the way home.  Leaves my ear holes open to the pollution of conversations around me.  This has proven to be interesting since in the last few days  I've heard things like, "Dude I watched the knitting channel for like 45 minutes....", and "This is gonna sound crazy, but...I'm almost 30!"  I thought it sounded perfectly reasonable, but I guess I didn't have the context of that convo....

Fade Out....

Fade In....

People are loving this beard.  Too bad I hate it.  It's too ever-present on my face.  My face is like, "you weren't there a month ago, and I'll be damned if you think you're sticking around much longer buddy."  Well said, face.  Thank god I get to shave it soon.  Here's a current picture.  Even if I did like it, I'll have to shave it to something hideous next week for this work related facial hair challenge.  Don't worry, a pic will definately be posted.  Best compliments I've received came from my old lady friend at Project Angel Heart who calls me sexy now.  I'll take what I can get.  My fave comment came from Liam who just started feeling up my face one day and said, "this is weird."  I agree Liam.  That WAS weird.

Not good at taking selfies.

Fade Out....

Fade In....

My friend was telling me today about a car accident she was in this week.  Her description of the person that hit her (it was a hit and run) is epic.
"One thing was kind of funny about the accident though-- the guy was driving a huge pick up truck and had a weird metal turkey on it. He started backing up to try to move into another lane (we were stopped at a light) and the turkey hit my car. The first thing I thought (other than, WTH?) was "Happy Thanksgiving to me!" Basically, this guy epitomized redneck. I mean, who decorates their vehicles with seasonally appropriate (hideous) metal sculptures and never mind the casual tossing of racial epithets!"
 Quite the turkey indeed!

Fade Out....

Fade In....

No matter how much I try, I'll never reach the end of the internet.  They just keep making great new stuff!  Yesterday I posted a link to a really cool interactive music video for a Bob Dylan song on Facebook.  It was made using Treehouse software which is probably something cool if I looked into more than what I just wrote.  Anyways, it's a fun way to waste time.

I found this hilarious video today.  The premise is that Jimmy Kimmel and Mario Batali stop random people on the street, go to their house and cook for them.  There's nothing about this video that I don't find magical.

Fade Out.....

Fade In.....

Twitter is still the most popular social media site right?  All the cool people haven't left yet have they, because I feel like I only just now got on it.  Once i'm comfortable with it, people will all leave to like Pheed, or Path, or Plonk, or Phooey or something else that I won't learn about for 10 years.  Also, how do I Reddit?

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Fade In....

HAIM's The Wire is a great song.  A really great song.  You know what's not a great song?  Everything ELSE that plays on my radio.

Fade Out.