Friday, March 29, 2013

Friday Rager Part 1

The woes of the Friday work day.  The joy of it finally being the end of the week is somehow diluted by the fact that we have to come in to work on Friday.  It’s even worse in Denver, where the warming temperatures and just general Friday-tude of the city has most people taking off early or not coming in at all.  The quiet halls of my own office are proof enough of that.  Barring some cataclysmic, JJ Abrams style event, I will just have to suffer through the day with dreams of happy hour just off in the distance....and while I can rant all day about how terrible it is to work today, there are just so many other things to rant about!

For one, this North Dakota law signed by the governor, banning abortions as early as after six weeks into the pregnancy.  SIX WEEKS!!! Are you kidding me?  A lot of women have no idea they’re pregnant before then!  With only one abortion clinic in the entire state, this is clearly an attack on women’s rights and an attack on an advanced society in general.  As usual, stuffy old white males are making decisions that impact everybody except stuffy old white males.  Seems illogical but then, government logic is as big an oxymoron as jumbo shrimp and Fox News.  The best part of the whole legislations is the Governor admitting that this will surely be brought to a courtroom battle, and the state government is putting aside a lot of money to defend this illegal legislation.  And this is in a state where they just recently cut funding to programs to feed impoverished children in the state.   Way to take the moral high ground North Dakota!  Their message is clear:  “We won’t let you terminate that fetus, but we’ll sure let them die of starvation once they’re born!”  Good thing those protestors outside that abortion clinic know that God will take care of those children, because North Dakota surely won’t.

My other big beef right now, highlighted by the recent hearings on California’s Proposition 8, is with the Supreme Court, or SCOTUS, as several news outlets so “cleverly” like to call it, all the while giggling to themselves for coming up with a play off the term POTUS.  Growing up, learning about the separation of powers of the three arms of the government, most of my colleagues at the time (if that’s what you can call 12 year olds) were most impressed with the lawmaking authority of the Congressional and Executive branches.  But while my power hungry cohorts were dreaming of declaring war on Canada, I was mostly interested in the Judicial branch.  And the head of that branch, the Supreme Court, where our most intelligent, fair minded and wise people of our society took the brunt of the responsibility to interpret these laws which would be enforced on the rest of the country.  The enormous weight of this burden is mind boggling, but what’s terrible is that when justice is supposed to be blind, we have clearly strayed from that important task and filled those respected seats with the most extreme biases on both sides of the spectrum.  And the justices make no attempt to hide their personal views.  Justice Scalia has gone as far as to make the arguments for the proponents of Prop 8, when the head attorney’s blubbering was failing to do so.  Really?  Now you’re moving beyond being a Justice and arguing the case yourself, TO yourself?!  And the implications of this are frightening as well.  If we allow justices at the highest level to interpret, and even rescind laws based on some idea of moral ground, then don’t’ we in effect have an Oligarchy?  And if this committee of Archbishops are appointed by like minded people are we really ever going to move forward as an enlightened people?  As a citizen, I’m appalled.  As a country of reasonable human beings, we simply can’t let this country become blind lemmings of a tyrannical United States, or BLOATUS.

OK, enough with the ranting.  I know you’re used to more light hearted stuff on this blog.  And by you, I mean me, since I’m the only reader.  In an effort to find that place of peace and tranquility before the acid reflux hits, let us find our Zen on this final day of the work week.  This weekend in Denver is supposed to be warm, sunny and full of adventure.  As Easter approaches, I can’t wait to worship some brunch on Sunday, drinking the blood(y) of marys, and consuming the body of biscuit.  And with this first nice warm weekend, it’s almost planting season!  This year I’m building earth boxes and luckily, my most organized friend has devised a planting schedule that will ensure a fruitful harvest all year long!  And the most exciting news of all, they finally dug the foundation of my new house!  Which means this thing is actually real now!  I’ll post some pics soon of some of the design finishes I chose, but until then, have a great weekend, and HAPPY FIST PUMP FRIDAY!!!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Poetry Corner

Today, my non-existent readers, you're in for a real treat.  I'm going to regale you with the hottest stories of the day (according to Yahoo!), told through various forms of prose, poetry and poorly paraphrased parables (perhaps?)

So sit back, relax and enjoy!

Amanda Knox, you’ve heard the talks
She got away with murder
But in true court fashion, they came bashin’
To prosecute a little further
The moral here, it’s become quite clear
That regardless of the outcome
The only winners in this courtroom spinner
Are the attorneys getting paid a ransom!

Miami Marlins, you ain't no darlins
in that stadium you have rent free
your fans have left, the team is eff'd
and the seats are always empty!
After trading away your best that did play
You've resorted to using groupons
But you've bankrupted the city and your team is so shitty
That no one will fall for this new con!

Proposition 8, is filled with so much hate
and angst about gays that marry.
But let's be real for a minute, here's how I spin it
the idea isn't at all that scary.
I'd be more enraged by celebrities engaged
and married for all of three hours
or mothers so foolish they commit acts that are ghoulish
like leaving their babies in the car!

Tiger Woods is back
His life had took a smack
But you have got to be a quack
To think this guy's the mack
But what this country lacks
are companies that will not crack
and are pressured to give him sacks
of money, to help get him on track
to once again do what is whack
the whole thing just makes me yak...

And finally, (if you're still even reading this....), a Haiku:

My ego is large
But lets have some perspective
Kanye thinks he's God.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

This I Believe... is an international organization engaging people in writing and sharing essays describing their core values that guide their daily lives.  You may have heard some of these essays read on NPR.  In that spirit of espousing your own views of life on others, here’s a list of things that I currently believe in with all my heart.  

1.  Ketchup is an acceptable condiment for all foods.  But too much ketchup is a crime against humanity.

2.  The American Flag, waving majestically from left to right, is a thing of beauty and should be appreciated every time you see it.  (Note:  Car dealerships do NOT count.)

3.  Babies are gross until they're about two years old.  They have their moments before then I guess, but seriously, they're just disgusting poop and drool bags until they're two.

4.  After about age five, those same kids start getting annoying as crap.

5.  I understand Bronze, Silver, and Gold, but wtf is Platinum?

6.  This website will always put me in a good mood:

7.  This website will always ruin that good mood:

8.  Don Cheadle is a terrible actor.  THAT'S RIGHT!  I SAID IT!!

9.  All dogs are male and all cats are female.  It's the same thing I've thought since I was two...I just can't seem to shake that concept.

10.  All lists should have 10 things.  Always.  Period.

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

The Arab...I Mean Colorado Spring

After months and months of dark winter, today marks the first day of Spring.  All around the country, people woke up to droplets of morning dew formed on lush green leaves, flowers blooming into life, birds finding mates in ways only seen in cartoons!  The first hint of warmth and sunshine after the dreary winter cold……

So why the hell did I wake up to 18 degree wind chill this morning on my trudge to work?  Why is the high today only 41 degrees or something, and WHY GOD WHY is it supposed to snow this weekend?!?  What cruel joke is this, where the groundhog didn’t see his shadow, but was too lazy to get out of bed and punished us with a longer winter?

You might think I’m losing it over here, but honestly, it’s mostly my natural overreaction to everything, followed by a gentle tapering off into a place of peace and deep thought, which is finally interrupted by acid reflux.  Now that the ranting stage is over, let’s consider what we DO have to look forward to in the coming year.  There are several great things happening in this world right now that warm my heart in a way that the great state of Colorado refuses to.

  1.      A story out of the UK where a gentleman named Barton Simpson appeared in court to answer allegations that he brought a prohibited firearm to the airport last year.  The judge in his case was the esteemed Recorder Burns of the Warwick Crown Court in Warwickshire.  That’s right, Bart Simpson was on trial in front of Mr. Burns!

2.      Today, 35 years after its launch, Voyager 1 has blasted through the outermost layer of our solar system at an astounding 10.72 miles per second and has made its way into deep space.  For those of you that don’t know, deep space is like regular space, but isn’t named after a candy bar.  Voyager 1 took some of the first pictures of Jupiter in 1979 and Saturn in 1980.  One day, along its great journey, we may finally find out where the idiots at Fox News actually came from.

3.      Finally, a gentleman last Saturday after having way too many beers celebrating St. Patrick’s Day went to a brewery and asked for chicken tenders from the server, even though they were not on the menu.  A debate quickly ensued between the server, who stated that chicken tenders were bar food and not worthy of the restaurant.  The patron quickly countered that chicken tenders were not just simple bar food, that they were in fact AMERICAN food, and that no AMERICAN establishment in this great country should refuse chicken tenders to anybody who claims the right to ask for them.  The server, with a new fervor in his eyes of renewed patriotism agreed to bring the patron a kids’ chicken fingers as long as he hid his beer when they were served.  A great win for our country was had that day.

And that, non-existent readers, is why America is great. Wait what was the point of this post?  Never mind, here comes the acid reflux…

Monday, March 18, 2013

Blarney Stoned!

Like every great tradition in our world that has been befouled by us Americans into a reason to drink and become idiots, this weekend was no exception.  This weekend we celebrated St. Patrick's Day in true American fashion.  With beer, more beer, green everything, more beer, some Scottish kilts, (figure that one out), more beer, vomiting on the sidewalk, beer, a shot of Jameson, more beer, drunk and disorderly conduct, and finally, beer.  Denver was no exception to this rule.  In fact, I would venture to say that Denver exemplified the great American tradition of any excuse to drink better than most cities in the country.  The 3 day St. Patty's fest started Friday, with people drunk off the their butts by 3 PM.  It's a WORK DAY PEOPLE!

I partook in this great tradition on Saturday with a marathon of day drinking that started at 10 AM.  There was supposedly a parade going on too....but other than some fancy cars and a marching band or two, I wouldn't call it much of a parade.  But what do I know, I was drinking Guinness by 10:30 AM.  The next morning, filled with regret that I had drank so much the day before, but glad I stopped before it was too late, I wondered if this was how the original St. Patrick felt when he drove Voldemort and the other Parsel-tongues out of Ireland.  (I never actually wiki'd what this holiday was about, but I assume that's right.)

As I said, this was a 3 Day festival, and the drinking and debauchery continued Sunday.  While I took the day off from the celebration, I did participate by almost killing like 10 drunk people on my drive home from a friend's house last night.  But such are our traditions here in this great nation.  While this morning's streets were filled with broken beer bottles, and our hospitals filled with great citizens needing stomach pumps, I am glad that the drinking holiday season is slowing down.  I don't think we have another reason to try to kill ourselves with alcohol before Cinco de Mayo now....I mean, what else can we use as a reason to drink??  April get drunk like a fool's Day?  Fall on your Keester Easter? Take your Daughter to Work Day??!  Oh wait, I have the best reason to drink right here in front me.  Monday...

Thursday, March 14, 2013

5K?! What happened to the first four Ks?!?!

So yesterday in a moment of stupidity, I "Yes Manned" myself into signing up for a 5K.  Now, I am not what you would classically call a runner, or even an exerciser.  I'm more of a watching TV for hours while eating a sandwich flavored by shame kind of guy.  But, in the new era of my life here, I've decided to suck it up and try to do this damn thing.  So here it is, The Graffiti Run, where you get colored powdered thrown at your face. The website makes it look all very fun and fantastic, but i'm sure after i get hit in the eyes with the first bout of colored powder, I'll feel like i'm in more of this type situation....

So far my training regimen has been to think about going to the gym, then getting distracted by reruns of Friends, and then making some pizza rolls for dinner and calling it a day.  Warning:  This is not a conventional training plan approved by most runners.  I will probably have to change it up a little bit as it gets closer to the actual doomsday.  The End of April, The Day that will go Down in Infamy.

In completely opposite to anything remotely healthy news, this weekend is St. Patty's Day!  Denver, like with most holidays centered around drinking, knows how to celebrate the day, and I will partake in some day drinking all throughout the weekend.  Hopefully, I'll be able to get some pictures up of the festivities and ensuing debauchery that always follows uninhibited alcoholism.  (That's right people, that's some college english classes right there!)  Anyways, like the new pedophile looking Pope said in his acceptance speech yesterday, "Pray for me...."

Monday, March 11, 2013

Birthday Weekend Extravaganza!

So after years and years of trying, I FINALLY turned 32 last Saturday!  To celebrate this monumental achievement that none of my 31 and under friends have even come close to achieving, I decided to celebrate all weekend long at the expense of others.

The weekend started out like most weekends, on Friday.  Met up with some friends for happy hour and dinner at a very hipster place called The Populist.  I knew it was hipster before because I couldn’t find their menu online and there was no sign on the building at all.  Just one lightly etched into the door.  I walked in, and went to the bar to get a drink while waiting on my friends to arrive.  Hipster sign #2:  The bartender, in his dark brown overalls and driving cap could easily have been a back up singer for the Lumineers.  I ordered a drink right as my friends walked in and after a few rounds we decided to order some food from the menu.  The food was a mix of unusual and overly intricate, but it actually worked for this place, where the prices were much lower than typical for a place with such a frou frou menu.  Hipster sign #3:  Hipsters can’t afford frou frou food….i mean they usually drink PBR for god’s sake.  We ordered some smoked fish dish and a duck Cuban sandwich, which you’ll be glad I told you after you look at these pictures and say, “WTF is that supposed to be?”

I woke up Saturday to a blustery, snowy morning. 

The “experts” called for anywhere between 6-14 inches of snow throughout the day.  But after about 4 hours (or two comfort movies) on the couch, I realized that we’d be lucky if even a ½ inch stuck to the ground.  So we ventured out Sat. night and after a delicious coconut filled dinner at CafĂ© Brazil, we headed out to some bars.  We ended up at an Irish pub called Doherty’s with the hopes to play Denver’s newest bar room drinking game:  Stump.  The object of Stump is to be the first to get a nail fully into a tree stump, without first hitting any part of the stump itself.  If one’s wild swing does happen to hit the stump, then one has to take a drink.  Playing this game while intoxicated is what makes Stump so thrilling, and yet, so dangerous.  Unfortunately, the crowd of douchebags surrounding the stump never seemed to thin, and by the time the bar closed at 2 AM (yes the bars closing FREAKING EARLY in Denver), we had gone without a single game.  We consoled ourselves with some late night / early morning diner food and realized with horror that the time had changed and it was 4 AM when we left!

Sunday, I woke up bleary eyed and frightened of this new time-forward future world I lived in.  I often think about Day Light Savings and all great things I could have done in the hour that the government robbed from me.  Then I realize I’m just mad because they stole an hour of prime TV watching and I get over it.  I hooked up with some friends Sunday afternoon and drove up to Nederland to catch the last day of the Frozen Dead Guy Days festival.  The festival in this extremely hippie town celebrates an old man that is cryogenically frozen in a Tuft garden shed in the city.  This is not a lie.  You can actually go view the man.  His grandson or something is paying for people to constantly put more dry ice on him to keep him frozen.  Only in Colorado.  Anyways, we caught a little bit of the coffin races (yes you heard that right) before we went to lunch and came back home. 

Finally, the weekend ended last night with dinner at Colt & Gray.  I made reservations for this restaurant with the hopes of catching a great discount during Denver’s Restaurant Week at a nice steakhouse.  Unfortunately, the restaurant didn’t have our reservation, and refused to honor their deal for the restaurant week.  So we ended up spending twice as much on some…unusual…food.  I mean the food was still good, and the entire cocktail list was named after things from Zoolander.  That was funny, although I never did quite get the reference.  My friends ordered this plate of pasta with sauteed duck fries.  And for those of you that don’t regularly watch Andrew Zimmerman, duck “fries” are testicles. 

Duck balls not pictured…it was just too horrific….

I didn’t partake in the dish personally, and could only sit back and think WHY GOD WHY?!?!  I have to think that all the neutered ducks walking around after that dish was made were probably asking the same question….

Finally, the night ended as I slipped and fell on some ice on my way to the car.  So this morning, as I write this blog, I’m thinking that my knee hurts and wondering who I should sue.  I’m also thinking when I turn 33, I HAVE to get in on those coffin races!

PS - It turns out we went to the wrong restaurant last night.  That's not where I had the reservation for.  Getting old sucks.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

I bought a house!! Oh god.....I bought a house....

So on Tuesday afternoon, I nervously signed a builder's contract to start construction on my new house!  I'm building in North Stapleton in an area that will be called Conservatory Green.  Like it's name, the area is supposed to have a green belt run all around it with lots of pocket parks and green space throughout.  Stapleton in general is a well thought out community with much of the same, plus hiking/biking trails, community pools and the like.  Sure, a lot of it does seem to be Agrestic meets Stepford, and there is a large former airport tower that could potentially be used to sniper any residents who's grass exceeds the HOA maximum height, but that's to be expected.  And if movies and TV have taught me anything (which they HAVE!), then I know that more than half of the people in Stapleton are doing all kinds of sordid and nefarious activities.....maybe there will even be some bootleggers!

My house is called the Antero Modern (the elevation), and has a really cool look to it.  The interior of the house will have a very open, airy feel (which is primarily important because I like to watch Colbert while I'm cooking in the kitchen), and the whole space is very inviting.  The house will be part of a 6 home block that forms around a common courtyard, with some sort of landscaping feature.  The builder told me I'll just have to trust him that the landscaping feature will be great.  I told him I'm a regulator and don't trust anybody let alone home builders.  That was sort of a joke....sort of.

Anyways, the builder apparently will take weekly pictures of my house as it's being built and I will faithfully upload those pictures here every week so my non-existent readers can enjoy watching dirt...and then cement being poured on dirt, and then construction workers lazily avoiding doing anything with that cement on dirt.  Exciting Stuff!!!

Finally here's a picture of what I think my house will look like.  Probably.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Back and Better Than Ever!

My friend over at Amazing Eats told me I need to restart my blog.  After an unsuccessful venture with a cooking blog that encountered computer issues, banking voyeurism and extreme bouts of laziness, I've decided to give the whole blogging business another go.  But instead of a cooking blog, this blog will feature stories from my every day life; whether it's my strange encounters with Indians at the UPS storewho invite me to their house for dinner or to join their church, or less frightening adventures with my friend's 4 yr old. 

As way of background, I moved to Denver back in August 2012 to escape the oppressive heat in Miami.  Of course, the day I moved here, it was 104 degrees.  Since then, the temps have cooled down and I've even lived through some snow storms!  This coming from the guy who said he would never live in a sub-60 climate is kind of huge.  Now when it's 60 and sunny, I brag that it's T-Shirt weather!  I've already had some amazing adventures since I moved here and I'm hoping to share more of them with you, my non-existent readers, as time goes on.  I have lots on the horizon this year with a trip to Vegas in April, a family visit in June and best of all the new house that I'm buying today!  But most likely, I'll just complain about people and TV.  I know....anti-climatic.  The End.