Thursday, May 30, 2013

You Might Be a Diabetic Redneck If..... host a cooking show that focuses on baking, when you have no earthly business doing so!

The new show on CBS, American Baking Competition, is a great new cooking competition show that focuses on amateur bakers and tests their credibility, their technical skills and their creativity.  Of course within 2 minutes of the show you realize you, despite your recent successes in the oven, would be totally outgunned by these baker extraordinaires.

The show has several things going for it.  Besides being on primetime on a major network, the show doesn't focus on the relationships between the contestants, and doesn't have an angry judge.  That means instead of just dramatic bleeped out screaming, it actually focuses on the food!  Plus, the judges give really good baking tips along the way for the viewers.  Finally, the best part is they don't spend half the show on these dramatic pauses to narrow down the winners and losers, which take up more than half the show.  Again more time is spent on the cooking, the tips on cooking, and each contestant's recipes.  Incredible I know....a cooking show that focuses on cooking.

Perhaps the only real con to the show is that it's hosted by Jeff Foxworthy, who's better known for making idiotic and obvious jokes about his own Redneckian people, and more recently as a host of a show that proves the stuff you learned in elementary school provided no real education what so ever in the rest of your life.  This must be a dream job for Foxworthy.  He thought the last show would be, until the children all proved to be smarter than him.  Now he has a job where he walks around and gets to eat people's food.  It's like stealing the pie that's cooling on the kitchen sill, but on TV!  The only other odd or unusual thing about the show is the number of times judge Paul Hollywood says the term, "soggy bottom."

In unrelated news, my niece has apparently learned the ancient art of crawling.  This lesson was quickly followed by learning the ancient art of ignoring your parents by losing yourself into a world of cyberspace and disregard.  Congrats!

Warning:  I have no idea if this file will load.  Also, don't watch with the sound brother and his wife have a tendency to loudly narrate their home videos.  I guess to make it more accessible to the blind?

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Can You Imagine What I Would Do, If I Could Do All I Can?

Last week, CO Governor John Hickenlooper announced the launch of the Glorious Failure:  In Search of Success Innovation Challenge, a statewide business competition that encourages creativity and responsible risk-taking.  The program seeks to foster growth in seven different advanced industries.  These are:  Information and Technology, Aerospace, Energy and Natural Resources, Infrastructure Engineering, Advanced Manufacturing, Bioscience, and Electronics.

In the same spirit of innovation, and trail-blazing ideas that advance our culture, I too would like to offer some ideas that have been floating around in my head.  While hardly any of these would qualify as an "advanced industry", I think they're important.  Also, I don't know if any of these are particularly innovative.  Basically, they're all just dumb ideas I've thought of and need some help making them come true.  So if you read this, russian scientist who scours blog websites, just give me some credit and maybe free samples when you invent any of these things for real:

1.  A food truck that specializes in drinks for runners after a run.  Whether it be smoothie, coffee, or a bloody marry, the Road Soda (Name is subject to change of course) will go, whenever you no longer want to.  Leave the paper bowls overloaded to nachos to street food cart festivals.  What you need after that refreshing job around Sloans Lake, is a newspaper and a mimosa.  And Jogger Juice is there for you!

2.  Eye drops that counter the effect of onion tears.  Never again do you need to wear unseemly eye goggles, nor do you unleash your feelings into chopping an onion.  With these magnificant eye drops, nobody will be none the wiser to your less than pleasant onion chopping experience!

3.  Expandable umbrella awnings for car doors.  Why fiddle with an umbrella, while getting yourself and the inside of your car soaked?  Seems like that would serve the opposite of its purpose!  Instead, give yourself a little shelter, and a little extra room to get that umbrella with a wider span than a bald eagle open.  A completely collapsible awning covering you when you open the car door, the carbrella is all you need to stay dry, when you're getting ready to face mother nature's fury.

4.   Dress shoe skates.  The only way to make that morning walk to work worth the effort, (aside from avoiding getting fired), is if you can turn that walk into an exhilerating thrill ride down busy downtown sidewalks.  With the dress shoe skates, with collapsible wheels, your skates and your shoes are all in one.  How were you the first one at the meeting?  in line at the cafeteria?  In/Out the bathroom?  Because you went there at lightening fast speeds!  I've actually emailed Heely about this one, and they weren't interested.  Jerks.

5.  A smartphone that works exactly how it's supposed to for more than 6 months!  Now this one may just be a fantasy, but how amazing would it be if your fancy new $300 phone worked just as well one year into your contract as it did the day you bought it.  But even some dreams will never be achievable in my lifetime.

Of course, not all innovation is great.  Just months after JC Penny launched a campaign to rebrand themselves, as the apologetic retailer who's finally on board with your hip new lifestyle, they went and innovated a way to make their small appliances promote hate.  I mean, Jesus Christ Penny's! (see what I did there?), get a new advertising agency!

I hope after you read this, you too will innovate.  If nothing else, I'd appreciate some ideas for a name for my food truck up above....Sweat and Sip?

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

We Took This Trip to Garden Grove...

I love long weekends, but I love short weeks even more.  With a 3 day work week sandwiched between a holiday weekend and a flex Friday weekend, my laborious work week is a mere 3 days!  Of course, that just means my complaining is condensed into 3 days, if not reduced.  Instead of a Monday morning, "Mondays, right?" type statement while bleary eyed over my 3rd cup of coffee, it's now happening on Tuesday.  And while I don't work Friday, I've already started complaining, "Is it Thursday yet?!"

Knowing the weekend is so close demotivates me to get into the grind of this week.  I mean, what's the point of getting over the post-weekend tiredness, just for it to be the weekend again already?  Such is the case with my house construction as well, which seems to have not progressed at all over the last week.  I took my weekly trip out there on Saturday and aside for a little bit of the siding being finished, it seems like the first real halt in progress.  This is probably more unnerving now that I know there's a chance the house will be done before the end of July.  The anticipation is killing me!

Alternatively, the one area where I expected time to be an unforgiving snail,  my vegetable garden seems to be sprouting as if there was an actual season for plants!  (All Floridians reading this will understand the joke there.)  Starting two weeks ago, my friend and I started the ambitious venture of building earth boxes and planting vegetables in them so that by the end of summer we will have a bountiful collection of healthy and homegrown produce.  The cost savings of what I hope will be a large harvest is worth the time alone!  Our second earth box was a great success (after several MacGyver like ideas on how to build one out of the trash we found) and hopefully it will be begin sprouting as fast as the one we built two weeks ago has.  For being such a dry and dusty state, plants seem to take to Denver Spring very well.  I'll take better pictures in a couple weeks when we have built yet another Earth Box and all have things growing in them, but until then, here's a picture of our finished and legit crafstmanship:

Finally, I would just like to finish today's post on a highly debated topic.  With the summer season beginning, the grills are out in full force.  With the smell of charred meats in the air, and the hordes of overweight men staring at a single man holding a sacred scepter (spatula) over the holy site (grill) performing their ceremonial duties (flippin' burgers), let me end the debate once and for all.  Gas > Charcoal.

Friday, May 24, 2013

I Just Wanna Fly (High-a High-a High-a High!)

Today, while brainstorming with a friend on how to get extended paid time off of work, I advised her that blinding herself at work would probably be the best way to ensure long term disability benefits without the risk of having to do any actual work (unless they make reg books in braile...)

Of course, self-blinding comes with the risk of....permanantly being blind.  But there are millions of blind people who seem to get around just fine in this country, with the assistance of comically long walking sticks, some level of ESP, but most commonly, seeing-eye dogs.  One thing you don't often see however, are Seeing Eye Falcons.  Why have we let this yet untapped resource go to waste?  So far, the mighty falcon is typically only used in medieval hunting, but what you may not know, is that the Falcon scores the highest ratings when it comes to avian intelligence.  Don't believe me?  Maybe you should watch a little movie called Jurassic Park!  Oh yes, the falcon is part of the raptor family, and though evolution may have given that dino wings, nobody can argue that a raptor was probably the smartest of all dinosaurs.  (I mean one of them even got a job as starting center for the Miami Heat!)

If the sheer knowledge of this idea hasn't impressed you, then let me persuade you with these facts on why seeing eye falcons would be probably the greatest thing ever:

1.  No jerk on the street would stop and pet your falcon.  Or if they did they'd be one hand shorter from then on.

2.  Falcons can see for like 500 feet.  That means it will know when that speeding ferrari is trying to beat the light, while your seeing eye dog is off staring at squirrels.

3.  Every time a seeing eye falcon (raptor) saves your life, you can say, "Clever girl...."

4.  Seeing eye falcons are still natural hunters (see the hand removal comment above.)  You'd save a bundle on food since it would just scavenge from above.

5.  Seeing Eye Falcons are sure to impress everybody on kite flying days.

6.  Seeing Eye Falcons can dive at speeds of like 220 mph.  That means it will pick up your loose change before it drops on the ground!

7.  Seeing Eye Falcons are the perfect mascot for the "Soar Like a Falcon" 5K Race for Awareness to understand Blindness

8.  There's no fine for not picking up bird poop is there?

9.  Seeing Eye Falcons are patient.  They require no love, no affection.  They just sit on their perch.....waiting.  When you're ready to go, you just rip off that hood (Simon Pegg movie style) and GO.

10.  Because when people pity you for being blind, you say, look up in the sky!  and then BOOM your falcon blinds them too.

Finally, here's some sweet falcon imagery to carry with you through the long weekend.

Falcon FPF!!  You didn't think I'd forget about Fist Pump Friday did you??

Thursday, May 23, 2013


There are people in this world that are satisfied with the information they receive...they rarely question it, without having to fully embrace it.  I tend to be one of those people.  I accept the information for what it is.  One person's opinion or a reasonable statement of facts.

This post is not for those people.  This post is for the others.  The questioners.  The incessant WHYners (see what I did there?)  But make no mistake, I don't disagree with these people.  These are the fathers of invention.  Those who are not content to live in the status quo.  The college graduates, the philosophers, and apparently all 4 year old children.  So for you, the grand inquisitors of our generation, I give you these topics of WHY:

WHY does the Pope keep flip-flopping between being progressive and being a misogynist?  First he comes out and says these uppity Nuns need to slow their roll and not be so modern.  Then he makes a speech saying even Atheists are OK by the G.O.D.  Another question:  WHY does he make such magnanimous statements about Atheists?  Trust me Pope, they don't care what you think.

WHY can't a city like Denver, where you can run in 5K/10K/Marathon on a daily basis, get their act together on the exact distance of a half-marathon?  In the Colfax Half-Marathon last Sunday, race officials admitted that the course was 176 yards short.  Of course the Director was very apologetic to the people that have been training for this race all year and was very gracious about it right?  Of course not!  Director Creigh Kelley claimed there were no inaccuracies with the route and the complaints from runners were a "nonissue" that were "clearly meant to harm an otherwise important civic and community event."  But like all great nincompoops, he backtracked on his statement when they found out he was dead wrong.  And this wasn't even the first time the length of the course was inaccurate!  The first race, seven years ago, was .513 miles too long!  It's a set distance hard is it to figure out?

WHY GOD WHY do people need to put all their business on  Facebook.  And WHY do they have to send messages to people, but announce it to the whole world.  Today my brother puts a Happy Anniversary message to my parents on Facebook.  Seriously, THAT is the best way to communicate that to them?  Let's talk about that.  You don't live in the same state, so from your options of calling, skyping, facetiming, texting, sending a card, etc, you should to put something on your own facebook wall to wish happy anniversary to somebody else.  Not to mention my dad doesn't even check his facebook.  Stupid Facebook.  If I wasn't so obsessed with other people's pictures, I'd have cancelled that business years ago!  Writing messages to other people on your own wall is akin to having a conversation with somebody while staring at a large audience.  It's a freaking magic show, or Clint Eastwood western.

Finally, if these questions haven't satisfied your craving, well, in the immortal words of Lavar Burton, you don't have to take my word for it.  See this video for the greatest Q&A to the eternal question, WHY???

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

O and the Freak Show Morning News

So lately I've been in this kind of funk where I've felt like everything was out to get me.  Whether it was my landlord spiking the rent, friends going m.i.a., or just the jump from winter to summer, it's been a weird few weeks.  But then I decided I needed to stop wallowing knee deep in self pity and pick myself up by my boot straps ( I have NO idea what that have straps? and how would you even pick yourself up from them?  Am I a magician in this scenario??).  Part of it is not having hilarious morning radio talk shows to get me in the right mood every day.  I really miss listening O and the Freak Show in Tampa every morning.  By far the best thing on the radio ever, of all time.  So in order to improve my mood, I've decided to really focus in on all the great things happening right now, and in true O and the Freak Show style, I give you, The Five Things:


1.  The closing agent for my house told me that there's a good chance I'll close before the end of July on the house!  Not only does that mean they are building ahead of schedule, it also means less hiked up rent I have to pay in August at the apartment!


2.  Going to see The Postal Service AGAIN next Thursday at Red Rocks!  I've been wanting to see a show there since I moved here and I can't wait.  Definitely one of the coolest venues ever to see a concert.


3.  A Colorado Senator is actively trying to introduce legislation to reduce the taxes paid by microbrewers (to almost nothing for the real small ones) in an effort to boost the economy.  The Brewer's Excise and Economic Relief Act (That's right....the BEER Act) would reduce the amount of federal taxes paid by microbrewers who produce less than 15,000 barrels to $0, and incrementally more for those making more.  Now I'm not quite sure how that would strengthen the economy, but dammit, I like where our Senator's head is at!


4.  Innovation in America:  This Toothbrush with Caffeine is one of the greatest ideas ever.  Who doesn't want that burst of caffeine first thing in the morning?  I guess the only drawback would be making sure you use a different toothpaste at night, or suffer the wrath of insomnia!


5.  Holidays on non flex weekends.  Why are they so great?  Because with this coming Memorial Day weekend sandwiched between two flex weekends, that means I get THREE 3 Day weekends in a row!  And next week becomes only a 3 day work week too!  Days off galore.

So there it is.  If that doesn't make a person happy, that person is dead inside.  Also, on yet another positive note, I am very close to hitting 1000 page views, and will probably get there today.  That's in just under 3 short months!  I'm not sure if that's actually people I know, or some German/Russian blog spider site, but whatever it is, I'm blowing up!  So Thanks!!

Tuesday, May 21, 2013


Whenever I'm running late for work (which is every morning), I forgo the healthy breakfast at home, and will usually stop and get a wrap from a cafe by my building.  It's the same order every time.  Signature wrap with sausage, easy on the dressing.  They use this chipotle dressing in the wrap that really makes the whole thing worth it, but if you don't warn them to go easy on it, they will douse the thing in it and after the 3rd bite, your taste buds give up and literally burn out.  But this is an easy fix.  It is 3 buttons on the cash register:  1.  Sig. Wrap!  2.  Sausage!  3.  Easy on dressing!

Unfortunately, human beings are not as reliable as machines (Sure sure, I'll be eating those words when a naked Arnold Schwarzenegger tries to kill me with bad acting!).  Every once in awhile, the man who I believe is the owner of the cafe is working the register.  Like most business owners, he's clueless to how to run his business efficiently.  So when I order my wrap from him, he gets steps 1 and 2 down, but then doesn't press the easy on the dressing button, which typically will result in this conversation:

ME:  "You know there's a button you can press that says easy on the dressing....."
JERK:  "I will tell them personally"
ME:  "Uh, ok, but if you press the button they know....."

and then I usually hear him go back and say, "For that Signature wrap, VERY VERY LITTLE DRESSING."

The result of this foolish way of doing things is the cook interprets what the bonehead owner means, and puts no dressing at all on the wrap, and what I get is a substandard breakfast that really changes the direction of my entire day... (it IS the most important meal of the day, you know!)

So to the dumb ass owner of Intermission Cafe:  Sir, you have a process in place that works!  Your "personal" touch should be left at home, where people may not care if you're consistent or not.  But when I pay for something, I expect to know what I'm getting, so just learn how to use your register.

So, yeah, that's my morning rant.  If you read this blog right after reading about the devastation in OKC, you probably hate me right now.

Monday, May 20, 2013

This House comes Wicked Witch Smashing Ready

Not much to update you on this fine Monday afternoon.  Today has gone by like a whirlwind....nay, like a tornado ripping through OKC.  Of course, showing up to work 2 hours late after oversleeping because you don't understand your alarm clock on your "updated" phone helps move the day along I suppose.

Went by the house yesterday and snapped a few pics (said with a British accent).  They've got some doors in, and some pink and white foamy crap that i guess is insulation but looks like the stuff they put in burgers at McDonald's.  Either way I'm ok with it!

Oh and sorry for the tornado joke.  These tornadoes be trippin' (quote from C. Hollins).  And Denver is NOT that far from the regions getting hit lately, so that's a little scary.  All I know is, if I get sucked into a tornado, I just hope I don't land in a world where James Franco is the king.  You know, like NYU?

Neigb's house is going up quickly, and a new one just started next to mine.

Door to side porch. 

Front Door

Enclosure for basement door.  Stairs will be finished all the way to the door.

Want fries with that?

The house on the left was just a foundation like a week ago.  "Just add water and watch it grow!"

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Ominous Oddities Overheard and Overseen

Last night I learned that despite my efforts to build good karma, the world may still be out to get me.  Whether it was the fire drill at work where I had to go down 18 flights of stairs (better than going up 18 flights of stairs I guess...), or the talk with my leasing office where they told me after my lease ends in July, the following month's rent on a month-to-month basis will increase some $500, or the successive cut on my finger while cooking dinner following by the cut on my head from it hitting the cabinet as I stood up from bandaging my wound, yesterday was a BITCH.

And I even volunteered that day!  You owe me one Karma!

I also received word from my home builder that they made a mistake in the master bathroom by cutting a window that would expose the shower.  Normally, this would go over the bathtub, but since this is the first time they're doing a five-piece bathroom, they apparently decided they'd cut first and measure later.  Seems very Tim Allen - Home Improvement, but whatever.  Now they're cutting a new window (see below), but I did tell the builder that given the high volume of swingers I heard live in Stapleton, he may want to consider a floor to ceiling shower window as an upgrade in future houses.

Finally, in this week's WTF news of the day, check out THIS story out of China of a mysterious ooze coming out from underneath the ground.  Holy hell China, what the crap is going on over there.  Despite the government's insistence that it is basically just soap bubbles, I think it's probably some sort of Hollywood promotion of the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie they're making.  The fact that the article refers to the ooze as a sentient being (probably an alien) is by the far the scariest part of all of this.  Basically you need to be very afraid.  If the ground isn't opening up below you while you sleep, it's oozing out of the ground like white, foamy death!  I hope China's karma isn't as bad as mine these days!

The Ides of May are upon us in Denver, where the whether changes from hot and sunny to overcast and..."End of Days-ey" within the span of an hour.  But at least today, there was cake. 

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

My Country Tis of ME (Not you, you im'grant!)


It's no surprise that after the last election's eye opening diverse voter turn out, the GOP finally realized that they could not win another election without addressing the needs of Minorities, specifically the Hispanic communities across America.  So it's no great wonder that the RNC picked Pablo Pantoja, a native of Puerto Rico, and FSU alum, to oversee Hispanic outreach in Florida last year. 

It is also no surprise that appointing Mr. Pantoja to that role was ALL they did to address their Hispanic voters.  There has been no great paradigm shift in the Republican way of thinking.  Only, "Maybe if we trick em, they'll accidentally vote for us.  Then we can kick em out!"  (Isn't that how they elected the sheriff in Gangs of New York?)

Well in an awesome turn of events, Pablo Pantoja saw behind the curtain at what the GOP really is, and decided to switch sides to the Democratic Party!  The following is an email he wrote to describe this switch:

Yes, I have changed my political affiliation to the Democratic Party.

It doesn’t take much to see the culture of intolerance surrounding the Republican Party today. I have wondered before about the seemingly harsh undertones about immigrants and others. Look no further; a well-known organization recently confirms the intolerance of that which seems different or strange to them.

Studies geared towards making – human beings – viewed as less because of their immigrant status to outright unacceptable claims, are at the center of the immigration debate. Without going too deep on everything surrounding immigration today, the more resounding example this past week was reported by several media outlets.

A researcher included as part of a past dissertation his theory that “the totality of the evidence suggests a genetic component to group differences in IQ.” The researcher reinforces these views by saying “No one knows whether Hispanics will ever reach IQ parity with whites, but the prediction that new Hispanic immigrants will have low-IQ children and grandchildren is difficult to argue against.”

Although the organization distanced themselves from those assertions, other immigration-related research is still padded with the same racist and eugenics-based innuendo. Some Republican leaders have blandly (if at all) denied and distanced themselves from this but it doesn’t take away from the culture within the ranks of intolerance. The pseudo-apologies appear to be a quick fix to deep-rooted issues in the Republican Party in hopes that it will soon pass and be forgotten.
The complete disregard of those who are in disadvantage is also palpable. We are not looking at an isolated incident of rhetoric or research. Others subscribe to motivating people to action by stating, “In California, a majority of all Hispanic births are illegitimate. That’s a lot of Democratic voters coming.” The discourse that moves the Republican Party is filled with this anti-immigrant movement and overall radicalization that is far removed from reality. Another quick example beyond the immigration debate happened during CPAC this year when a supporter shouted ““For giving him shelter and food for all those years?” while a moderator explained how Frederick Douglass had written a letter to his slave master saying that he forgave him for “all the things you did to me.” I think you get the idea.

When the political discourse resorts to intolerance and hate, we all lose in what makes America great and the progress made in society.

Although I was born an American citizen, I feel that my experience, and that of many from Puerto Rico, is intertwined with those who are referred to as illegal. My grandfather served in an all-Puerto Rican segregated Army unit, the 65th Infantry Regiment. He then helped, along my grandmother, shatter glass ceilings for Puerto Rican women raising my aunt to become the first Puerto Rican woman astronomer with a PhD in astrophysics (an IQ of a genius as far as I’m concerned). Puerto Ricans, as many other Americans still today have to face issues of discrimination in voting and civil rights.

Regardless of what political affiliation people choose, my respect for some remains. I don’t expect all Hispanics to do the same (although I would hope so) but I’m taking a stand against this culture of intolerance.

I am also making a modest contribution (here: to the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) for the efforts in helping protect the rights of immigrants and civil liberties in general.

With warm regards,

Monday, May 13, 2013

New House Update: 2nd Walk Through

On Friday, I did the 2nd walk through of the house.  They've made quite a bit of progress lately.  All the framing is complete, and plumbing and air ducts are installed as well.  The electrical work hadn't started yet, but should be done by the time I sneak on to the property illegally next weekend.  (If you're not breaking and entering, you're doing something wrong.)

The contractor was very informative on the tour of the house.  Unfortunately, I didn't pay any attention to him because I was too busy taking pictures.  Therefore some of the information that is likely very vital, I will have to interpret by what it looks like he might have been saying in the picture.

He also told me that it's likely going to be an early to mid-august closing, so that's good news!

Actually looks like a house!

View from Master Bedroom, overlooking courtyard.  I may need to buy bigger curtains...
Walk in Closet aka 4th bedroom.

I think he was telling me crucial information here....I interpreted as "Press this if you want to live!!"

"Press this if you want to DIE!!"

Huge basement.  Already has stripper pole installed.

Kitchen  The pipe in the middle is for the island.  This kitchen is twice the size of the living room practically
Living Room

Side porch looking towards the garage

Friday, May 10, 2013

OMG FPF!!!!!! .....SMH

It's Fist Pump Friday!!!! With the end of a five day work week fast approaching, and the sun finally shining after 3 straight days of rain, and warmth coming back to Denver, we have so much to be happy about on this, the most glorious of the days of the work week.  So let's consider all the great things we (I) have going on right now in our (just mine) lives:

1.  Doing the 2nd walkthrough today of my house.  That means the framing is all done, and the plumbing and some electrical has already been put in.  Can't wait to see the inside of the house!  Now that there are stairs I can see the upstairs too.

2.  Supposed to be a warm sunny weekend, which means we can finally start our gardening project that's been pushed off for over a month now!  Can't wait to have some vegetables growing so I can stop buying all the expensive produce in the grocery store.

3.  Going to see a friend's production of Cabaret tomorrow night.  Been a long time since I've been to the theatre.  Looking forward to getting cultured!

4.  The Heat are killing it in the playoffs.  After a shaky Game 1 loss against the Bulls (c'mon they were coming off 10 days of playing video games and watching movies!), they dominated in Game 2.

5.  Oh yeah, and my friend Jill is going to visit me in July!!

For these great events, we have the most happy fist pump:

6.  I'm getting back into training mode this weekend, for my next 5K.  my training started getting lax with all the travel I've been doing lately, but now that i have a long stretch of being at home, it's time I get serious about it again.  Going to sign up for the Firefly 5K in July, which is a night run.  (which is great for me so nobody can see how badly I run...)

7.  Speaking of fitness, the warmer days also means hiking seasion is back.  While I only did a couple hikes last year, I'm ready to start getting out there and working towards hiking my first 14er.

So for being such a fitness buff that I am now, I give you the double fist pump of endorphin release:

8.  Last weekend I bought clothes without trying them on, and they actually fit!

9. Volunteering at Project Angel Heart.  I think it's the single most fun part of my whole week.  I look forward to it every week.  And what I'm doing there is actually important so that's pretty great.

10.  Finally, the plethora of great fist pump pictures that are available on the web.  It means there are other great people out there who appreciate a good fist pump.  So for those people, I salute you in the only way I know how....with a most respectful, and stoic:

Thursday, May 9, 2013

15 Minutes of Fame for a Lifetime of Shame

I'm having an internal struggle lately with all the YouTube auto-tunes out there lately.  On one hand, the clever turn of an at best shoddy news segment is turned into an international sensation (maybe Canada watches it?) overnight.  And then if you don't scour YouTube on a daily basis, you'll see it everywhere on TV, whether it's on Tosh.lame0, a dentist commercial, or a spoof of it on South Park.  It all seems so innocent.  Harmless poking at the less than brilliant people (usually in Alabama), which we justify by saying, "but their lives are better too, cos they went on the Today show and said how it's just been crazy the last few weeks..."

But is it so harmless?  Sure, "Ain't nobody got time for that" is a regular part of my vocabulary now, and the Antoine Dodson song is still one of the catchiest, most fun songs to sing along to.  But is it right that the song itself is better known than the story of an attempted rape in a small town in Alabama, where the "hero" of the story says the cop presence is so poor, that everybody could be a victim? 

I don't know the answer, and I promise I'm not on some crusade to stop people from auto-tuning the news, but it just seems like, as with most things, we take things too far and well beyond their normal course of life (ref:  9 seasons of The Office.)  The latest is with of course Mr. Ramsey, the hero in the Amanda Berry rescue.  His heroism is real.  He was able to blow through the barrier of American indifference and put himself in a dangerous situation to respond to the cries of a young girl trapped in a house.  Unfortunately for Mr. Ramsey, he is not the most educated man, and when interviewed by the local news media, he did not censor his thoughts and spoke his mind.  What came from that was a slightly amusing anecdote of what he was thinking when rescuing the girl.  and what came of that?  Well you know of course.  The auto-tuning of a most gruesome story.

I can't decide how to feel about it.  I still laugh anytime I hear the words "double rainbow, oh my god!" and I won't lie; the minute I saw the Kai video, I searched for a good auto-tune version of it for 10 minutes.  I'm as culpable as the rest, and by the end of this post, I'm even going to post a video of another great remix.

I guess all we can hope for is that, if autotune is the new normal, people will use tact in the type of stories they put to song, and give us something creative to enjoy...

Of course, I thought the same thing about reality TV.......

As promised.... 

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

News You Can't Use aka "Rain, Women, Guns and Weiners"

Rain and thunderstorms began late last night and after a short break this morning (thankfully duing my walk to work), have once again resumed, under the dark gray skies of an overcast day.  Thankfully, these are my favorite kind of days.  As dark and dreary you might think rainy days are, I find some sort of cold comfort in the drama of it all.  Throw in some rumbling thunder in there, and it takes me back to my younger days, sitting on on the back patio swing, watching and listening to the rainstorms while pelts of rain bounces off the tiles and hit the bottom of my feet.

Speaking of nostalgia, is anybody else excited to see The Great Gatsby?  Aside from wondering why they would take a great tale of the decline of American Civilization and make it a 3D movie, the previews have me enthralled.  From the opulent parties and seemingly great dialogue, I think this one could be a real winner.  And I've definitely developed a celebrity crush on Cary Mulligan.  Aside from being married to the Mumford and Sons lead singer, she reminds me of Michelle Williams, without the duck face.

I also read this morning in the Denver Post how James Holmes is changing his plea of Not Guilty, to Not Guilty by reason of Insanity.  You may recall, this was the guy that bust into the Aurora, CO movie theatre wearing body armor and with an assualt rifle, shot and killed several people.  It would be a travesty of our justice system if the judge hearing this change in plea allows this to happen.  As quoted in the Post,

"We don't think he's insane, with the amount of planning he did," said Lonnie Phillips, whose stepdaughter, Jessica Ghawi, was killed. "The insane thing is that he could get his hands on 6,000 rounds of ammunition and assault weapons. He got it without a background check. That's the insane part."

Finally, in happier news that vindicates my very existence, a good friend and fellow bacon affianado (fancy term for freak), sent me this article on the health benefits of bacon.

Bacon, Blessed Be Thy Name

Can we all agree that the best part of this lady's 105 years has to be riding around in the Weiner Mobile?

Monday, May 6, 2013


So I went to my brother's house this last weekend for my mom's birthday.  Added bonus was of course seeing my niece, who recently turned 6 months old.  This means she's finally cute, and will remain so for the next 3 years.  After that, it's a coin toss as to whether the cute can overpower the annoying.  By the time she's 7 I'll have probably written her off entirely.

Anyways, you may recognize her from her recent facebook debut of her amazing River Dance skills.  The video has quickly gone viral and has over SEVEN likes!  That's pretty good considering she was relatively unknown before that.  Anyways, at least I can say I knew her when.... until she's 7 and I deny any relationship to her whatsoever.

 At 6 months old, my niece has developed a showstopping smile and laugh routine that's high on the cute scale.  Of course this could also be because she has no teeth.  Even the most dangerous beast looks adorb when they are toothless droolers.  And while her parents are most impressed with her rollover ability (please...any dog could be taught that), I'm impressed with her carefree attitude, and her ability to poop and pee whenever she wants knowing somebody will give her a fresh new set of threads at her beck and call.

Now she of course is not without her own set of dangers.  As with most people with power, she has let her ability to poop at whim go to her head.  Not only does she pick the worst times to taint her Huggies' finest, she does so with such frequency and voracity, it can only be out of spite.  This coupled with the sly grin she wears when she's going makes me wonder if perhaps her brain is far more developed than one might believe of somebody at that age.  Until she learns to talk, we may never truly learn what her diabolical plans are, but until then it's best to keep a watchful eye, and a safe distance from this menacing creature.

I thought the cameras had stopped rolling at this point...

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

The Spring Sting of an Endless Blizzard

The constant push/pull of this Spring weather here in Denver lately has been a real energy sapper.  With beautiful weekends in the upper 70s followed by a mid-week blizzard, it's a wonder I haven't contracted a mega-flu bug.  I guess those flu shots know the one i got over 6 months ago?

Today I learned is May Day (a fact that became so much more reasonable when I realized it was not in fact April 30th).  And on this particular May Day, when you might expect to see Tulips blooming in the garden, and birds mating in the trees, and other sexualized images in nature, instead I was greeted this morning with a snow storm.  Flakes the size of silver dollars would fall and drench my ski jacket on the way to work.  As usual, whenever I don that large coat outside of the ski slopes, I feel the burning, judging eyes of native Denverites with their thick beards and mason jars filled with gin drinks laughing at me for wearing a thick coat and a hood.  The concierge at the front desk of my office building commented so gailfully, "You are bundled up!"

Yes.  Thank you idiot, for pointing out the fact that I wear a jacket when it is snowing outside.  Perhaps the gin in your mason jar keeps you warm, but for my morning stroll to work, I'll stick with the jacket.  But here I am....tired, done with this snow.  The wonderfully warm weekends have only made these snowy days that much more bitter.  In fact, the only things I hate more than a May 1st snowstorm are.............

1.  People who state facts so loudly you feel embarrassed that they're true (Read above about the idiot lady)

2.  The last 3 seasons of The Office

3.  North Korea.  They invented Pho, but then they went crazy.

4.  The names Zack, Danny and Mischa.  All d-bag names.

5.  The nicknames Chief or Bro.  Strangely, I have no problem with Boss.  And I wish to God somebody would call me Cap'n.

6.  People who feel the need to explain something to you when they clearly don't know the answer.

7.  People who feel the need to patronizingly "let you get to the answer yourself" when they clearly know it.

8.  Jokers, chumps, and fools.  (I try not to suffer any of them)

9.  heavily chlorinated water.

10.  Camouflage anything.  No better way to stand out, then dress head to toe in crap that's supposed to make you blend in.  Better to just wear a shirt that says, "I'm a racist!  I don't understand and therefore hate you!  America would be great if it wasn't for all these Americans!"

And that's it for today.  Don't even have the energy now to finish thi...