Thursday, June 27, 2013

If I Ruled the World (Imagine That)

The experiment of democracy has run its course in my opinion.  A great beginning, but now, what has it brought us?  Squabbling politicians who are mostly concerned with re-election, rather than reform.  I think we should all go to a Monarchy system, but with an elected king.  We pick him (or her), and they run the country for 4 years.  No congress, no Supreme Court, whatever they say goes.  Sure that means we'd probably be knee deep in the worst wars of our lives, but hey let's take a gamble!  It really won't change much except it will remove the congressional road blocks we face now.  Let's not pretend that there's any real separation of powers now.  Even the courts are divided by partisan politics these days.

And with that, I throw my hat in the ring.  I am announcing my run for 2016 King of America.  Obama has paved the way for Minorities to run the country, so why NOT me you jerks?!

Under my iron fist...err..I mean fair and just rule, I would enact several policies, under a doctrine I call:

The  Constitutional Commandments of Lord Ankit, King of America, For a Better and Brighter Tomorrow

1.  I will abolish all reality television programming, except for one new show, that will pit humans vs beasts in hand to hand combat.  I assume this will eventually digress over my 4 years into babies vs chickens cockfighting, but such is the underbelly of viral reality TV.

2.  I will hire Kanye West to write a new National Anthem, then denounce him as a terrorist and have him extradited from US soil.  I'd send all of Fox News with him.

3.  I will eliminate all 12352135123 factions of our military, and train new recruits to protect this country using the time honored training techniques of American Ninja Warrior.

4.  I will invade Canada.  I won't take it over completely.  Just a small piece to let them know we can take it anytime we want it.

5.  I will secede Texas to Mexico.  I suspect the massive increase in drug related genocide will stifle other foolish debates.  No other states will weep.

6.  I will create a Super Secret Section of the Secret Service known as S5, and they will fly everywhere with me in my G6.

7.  Federal holidays will increase from 10 to 15, to include, National Ankit Day, Day of Discovery (It's the day you magically find stuff around the house), Flag Day (because we seriously don't appreciate the flag enough, so we need a day off for it.), Humans vs Beasts Marathon Watch Party Day, and of course, "Cos Eff This Job" Day.

8.  Every year, that year's HTD band will be added to the FBI terrorist list.  An HTD band is defined as the band or musical artist that has been so over played that even though you once liked them, you now only wish they would die in some sort of fiery explosion that killed all their music forever.  It was named after the hated song, Hey There Delilah.

9.  I would move all funding from things like education and forests to building a space bridge to Mars.  Because no matter what you have, you can never say it's cooler than a space bridge to Mars.

10.  I would have the country's top engineers build an impenetrable fortress deep below the Rocky Mountains.  In case my space bridge doesn't pan out, I'll need a place to hide when the country revolts against me.

So that's my platform.  Please vote for me.  I don't have a Super PAC to collect money, but I will accept donations to the LAKOA fund in large value denominations.  Together, we can rule this myself.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013


I'm going to keep this post short today, and not make it a rant or rave. Yeah right....hahahahaha...  Just want to say that in the last 24 hours, it's been a landmark after landmark day.  Instead I'll just hashtag the hell out of it.

#StandwithWendy - Congratulations to Senator Wendy Davis on her 13 hour filibuster to stop the aggressive abortion bill in Texas.  In addition to making abortion illegal after 20 weeks, it would have shutdown practically all but 5 clinics in the whole State.  To stand in front of congress and speak for 13 straight hours, without the ability to use the bathroom, or even lean on a podium is impressive, and being that impassioned about something, I only wish I had that kind of drive.  #SanityInTexas #ButWeShouldStillLetThemSecede

#DOMA #Prop8 - In two landmark votes at the Supreme Court today, both the Defense of Marriage Act and California's Proposition 8, which banned gay marriage, were deemed unconstitutional.  Huge win for #Humanity #LibertyAndJusticeForAll

Finally, with nothing else really to report on, I'll just leave you with these funny twitter comments from Aziz Ansari regarding NSA Spying:

@AzizAnsari:  If I was in the NSA, I'd be looking up random people all the time.  Every 10 minutes I'd be like, I wonder what Ja Rule is up to?

@AzizAnsari:  "Ansari!  What are you doing?!" "Nothing sir." (Quickly minimizes window that has Ja Rule's Yahoo email account) #AzizWorksattheNSA

@AzizAnsari:  "Aziz what are you doing?!" "Sorry sir, just seeing how much Color Me Badd money the dudes in Color Me Badd still got..." #AzizattheNSA

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Eternal Confusion of a Spotty Mind

Yesterday, a friend asked me what it would be like, if you could plug wires into my brain and see what I think about all day.  After filtering out the R-Rated stuff, this is what I think would come out on the report:

 - Remember when Twitter used to just be Justin Bieber hashtags?

 - Speaking of Twitter, anybody with more than 3 tweets in a row, or 3 #’s in a row, I stop following immediately.

 - I should never have posted an Instagram picture to Facebook.  Now I’m getting followers I never asked for….Is there no privacy in public social network sites anymore???

 - As usual I’m late to the game on what’s hot on the internet, and only just now discovered Barack Dubs on youtube.  I’m pretty obsessed with it right now.  Check out Can’t Touch This and SexyBack.  They’re my two favorite on there.

 - I can’t get passed level 23 on candy crush saga, and it’s pissing me off.

 - What if there was a modeling competition show that put babies against ducks?  It would be called America’s Next Top Waddle.

 - Or if it was between different politicians, I guess it would be American’s Next Top Waffle.

 - I wish I brought my leftover pork tenderloin with coconut cranberry sauce that I made last night to work today for lunch.  (See ladies, I’m a catch!)

 - How is it that I can sit through two hours of Bank Secrecy Act training and not remember a single thing that was said?

 - Where ARE my car keys?

 - I better dress to impress today when I go to Project Angel Heart.  They’re having paparazzi there to take pictures of the kitchen crew.  Obviously, the Tuesday night crew is the most photogenic.  This could be my big break.  Once my face is out there, all my great schemes and ideas will have a lot more credibility.  People will recognize me as the face on the side of that van that delivers food, they think….but not sure.  All Indians look the same.  Racists.

 - I hate when people merge adjectives.  Ginormous.  Guesstimate.  Craptastic.  It doesn’t add to anything.  All those words are stupidiotic.

 - Craisins are delicious, but based on my previous thought, I guess I should hate them too.

And that’s it folks!  That’s a short preview of the inner workings of my brain, censored for your enjoyment.  Hope we can still be friends.

Monday, June 24, 2013

One Day You're Secretary of State of the United States of America....

...Next day you ain't.  That was one of the best lines delivered by hilarious comedian General Colin Powell at the American Institute of Architects (AIA) convention on Saturday.  I was lucky enough to be invited by a friend as a guest to the convention, and got to hear the powerful words of a surprisingly candid and funny man (and American hero!)  Mr. Powell's speech was an hour and a half, and his central thesis seemed to be: Be a leader, or maybe follow the leader, or maybe that Ronald Reagan was bat shit crazy, but whatever his point was, his delivery was better than most of what you would see on late night comedy central.  While his speech was both reverent to this nation, and self-deprecating at the same time, I think the best part was how he engaged with his audience.  His ability to actually pull the importance of architecture into the future of our country and especially the growing economy was really impressive, and something I wish my own organization could do when they bring guest speakers.  At our last conference, the helicopter pilot buffoon they brought in to, basically, sell her book, had only one office situation example....where she screamed out, "File! Staple! Collate!"  *sigh*

The man, the mirth, the legend (see what I did there?)

On Saturday night, I went to a typical Denver Hipster Restaurant, or DHR.  DHRs are known for roughly four main concepts: 

1.  Signage that is impossible to discern from the outside if the place is a restaurant or cooperative work space.  I went to a new restaurant in Denver called the Corner House.  The restaurant is in awkward area of town and fits in the corner of an apartment building located near a park, and what I believe is a meth den next door.  Lightly etched into the corner of the building were the initials CH.  If there hadn't been people sitting in the patio outside, I would have likely driven off without daring to go inside.

2.  Servers wearing some sort of ironic clothing.  In this case, he somewhat resembled a french mime.  That's about as good as  I can come to describing it.  He was nice just

3.  Drinks are served only in mason jars.  The following photo shows you that Denver is at some sort of shortage on glassware.  So they've succumbed to using mason jars to serve you drinks.  I don't know about you, but water just tastes so much more dirty when drinking it out of a jar...

4.  Finally, the most telltale sign of a DHR is the food.  Each entree will have roughly 6,000 ingredients, will be locally sourced, and the farmers who grew it probably got free therapy sessions where they were told they ARE good enough, strong enough, and Darnit, people like them.  In this case, I had some sort of take on poke, a traditional Hawaiian dish which is basically cubed sashimi.  In this case, my poke was made with steelhead trout, with some avocado, sushi rice, and wakame, and 300 more things that you don't even taste.  It was pretty good, but was it necessary?

Finally, here's some recent pictures of my house, because you know I can't go through Monday without showing you at least a couple pictures!  They've started work on the courtyard, and did some painting inside the house.  On Sunday I told my builder that I would be Lord of the Courtyard, because of how my house is centrally situated.  He seemed to agree, although his model house has an American Flag waving majestically in the wind at all times, so I feel like the other neighbors may get confused as to who's in charge.  Such is the struggle for power...

Friday, June 21, 2013

The "Whte Hot" Heat of Summer requires FPF 15! (see what I did there?)

Today marks the official start of Summer.  And what better day than Friday to kick off the best season in the world.  Where longer days can keep you out in the park, or the rooftop patios drinking beers until well past happy hour.  Where waking up before 7 to get to work doesn't sting so bad because it's bright and warm outside already.  And where all the activities you've been waiting all year to do, because it's too cold outside, are now more than just a dream.

So where ever you are, and what ever you're doing, make sure you do it on this, the longest day of the year, in true Fist Pump Friday style!

Whether you're just out catching some rays......

Or maybe out at happy hour......

Or maybe out on a bike the ocean.......

This is better...or is it?

Or maybe just out playing some team sports....

PS - Congrats to Abby Wambach on having the most international career goals out of any soccer player in the world!  She topped out at 160 career goals last night.

But whatever you're doing, and where ever you are, just make sure you're enjoying this great season in true summer style!  and apparently with a group of your most diverse friends!  (I'm available for selfies...)

And speaking of the summer, How bout those Miami Heat!!!  Winning the NBA Championship 2 years in a row, with King James, President Wade, and uh, Court Jester Bosh!  Congratulations on another great year, and thanks for making the playoffs so damn exciting!  Go Heat!!

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

The Real “24”, Starring Me

Who remembers that show, “24” starring Keifer Sutherland?  It was the most action packed show on television, which covered 24 hours in the life of the craziest man in the world.  Who apparently never had to pee?  I mean even the people in Big Brother have to pee once in awhile.  Anyways, every season of the show had pretty much the same formula.  Some major event happens, Keifer springs into action, he gets himself into trouble, calls Chloe to get schematics, gets into unnecessary dialogue (usually in the middle of the season when they are still trying to figure out how to end it), finds some damning evidence through spy technology, and finally saves the country, until the last 5 minutes when he realizes it’s much, much worse than he thought.

I think my life has a lot of parallels to that show.  Wait wait, trust me it does.  I go on to prove it below, so stop your bellyaching and just read!

Highlights from this season of “24”, include:

Episode 1:  The alarm clock.  Ever since my phone got its most recent software update, I can never seem to get the alarm clock setting to work properly.  I’ve often slept right through the alarm clock, or it just never went off at all.  So now, I wake up prior to the set time, and lie in bed staring at my phone, waiting for the alarm clock to go off, so I can “wake up.”  This is ridiculous.  It makes no sense at all.  How have I become enslaved to this piece of crap phone?  So now I wake up early in anticipation of when I need to wake up.  Unless I set the alarm clock for a little later to counteract that, in which case I oversleep entirely.  This is why people retire.  They don’t get tired of work.  They get tired of the eternal struggle between them and their alarm clocks.

Episode 17:  Volunteer work.  I was finally promoted for one night to the big show at Project Angel Heart.  I was asked to cook!  After 9 months of chopping vegetables, I was finally asked to cook!  The moment would have been much sweeter though, if the volunteer at the cooking station next to mine wasn’t on her very first day there.  But cooking at PAH is different.  There are no spices or seasonings added until much later, since they have to modify the meals to specific dietary restrictions.  So what did I do?  I cooked 6 enormous tubs of zucchini and squash in this massive oven/skillet like machine, using a giant oar.  When asked how I liked cooking, I played it cool.  Maybe too cool….cos I think I gave off the impression that I didn’t like it.  I’ll probably never taste sweet victory like that again.

Episode 22:  Making small talk with the guy making my breakfast sandwich.  There’s always that moment where you know it’s not worth making small talk, but the words have already started pouring out of your mouth.  That’s how my innocent, “Haven’t seen YOU in a while!” comment turned into a whole story about how the guy that’s usually there in the morning was on some probation work-release program and things “didn’t work out” and I’m assuming now he’s back in jail.  Great.  Now I know the guy making my soup and a sandwich lunch was probably a homicidal maniac.  It’s a wonder he didn’t jump over the counter and kill me every time I asked for a substitution.

Episode 11:  Making power points.  In just 11 short days, I will be recognized (by nobody) for having completed 10 years at my job.  TEN YEARS.  I can’t think of another thing that I’ve dedicated that much time to.  Maybe Friends.  (the show, not the people.)  To commemorate that accomplishment, I spent about an hour and a half yesterday making a power point.  Because dammit, I do love making power points.

Episode 19:  Digital Video Recording (DVR).  Caught up on several outstanding  television shows on DVR.  I’ve already told you guys about the new baking competition show on CBS, but there’s also a great new Louis C.K. type show on IFC called Maron.  Definitely worth checking out. 

So there it is.  That’s my exciting life.  And PS – right now, we’re in season 11,788.  BOOM.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Tuesday Thumbs Up / Thumbs Down

Ode to Tuesday:  We salute you sir, for the worst is behind us.  Surviving the Monday blues is a marked achievement, but the moment is fleeting, as Tuesday marks only the second day of the grueling 5 day week.  While we hate Monday, at least we feel...something... towards it.  And Wednesday and Thursday bring us closer to the weekend.  But you, the under-appreciated day, the champion of the forgotten, and the fore bearer of misery, must survive on your own merit.  You must find your own story, be they good or bad, and tell your own tale.

- Author, Unknown.

But to help Tuesday along, I've found a few stories going around town that bring me great joy, and great disappointment.  Without further ado,

A hearty THUMBS UP to the Supreme Court, who decided to stop being monumental screw ups for one day and voted down the Arizona Voter ID law, which would require would be voters to prove their identity beyond what is federally required, in order to vote in the state.  The move by the state that's already on the "Deport First, Ask Questions Never" pulpit, is clearly  to remove Hispanic voters from their ranks so they can realize the White America they've always wanted.  Ok maybe that's a little harsh.  Either way, good to see the Supreme Court use their powers judiciously for a change!  I think one article coined it best when it said,

"Justice Scalia, who descends from Mordor upon the back of his great Nazgûl each Monday and Thursday for the Court’s decision days, wrote the majority opinion. The Court ruled that the federal National Voter Registration Act, which already requires registrants to affirm their U.S. citizenship status, preempted Arizona’s law. And with that, Scalia’s Nazgûl reared its mighty head, screeching wildly, and the two took to the skies."

A big THUMBS DOWN to the vapid fool who I saw yesterday buying furniture from somebody in my building.  Some of you may recall the incident with the girl from Craigslist, to whom I sold a couch.  The girl was unprepared, air headed, and just a very frustrating person all together.  Well, THIS WAS THE SAME GIRL....Finally being on the same elevator as her and her equally frustrated looking sellers, I had to ask her, "Didn't I sell you a couch recently?"  To which she denied like she was the IRS.  What kind of shady girl is this, who shows up at my building to buy furniture from unsuspecting strangers, then denies ever having done so?  I noticed she came in another "borrowed" truck from a friend, different from when she bought the couch.  Maybe she really is the Craigslist Killer and is just looking for an unsuspecting victim.  To that end, maybe calling her out in front of the other couple may have saved their lives.  Her nerves were shot and she sped away.  You're welcome!

A THUMBS UP to our friends at the GOP, who continue to fail in understanding the make up of our country, especially when it comes to the importance of women and minorities.  After the demise of Palin, and after Michelle Bachmann returned to whatever nether world she came from, the GOP proved that it will continue to shove it's foolish rhetoric down your throats, and hope you that you'll think they've changed because it's in a different package.  Which brings me to Marsha Blackburn, the high-powered Tennessee Congresswoman who has been appointed/anointed to take the lead on the House's proposed 20-week abortion ban. See, ladies? Congressional Republicans are much more lady-friendly! They're even letting a woman TAKE THE LEAD on restricting the rights of other women!  Well congrats fellas.  Your continued persistence to remain neanderthals deserves two thumbs up, since it will ultimately be your own downfall!  By the way, Ms. Blackburn was on Meet The Press earlier this month also stating that women don't actually want equal pay laws either.  If you look close enough, you can see the antenna coming out of her robot head.

A huge THUMBS DOWN to 5Ks, 10Ks, 1/2 marathons and everything in between.  This training for a 5K sucks!  I think I may have hit a wall, but will continue to push through.  It WILL be the death of me.  Good thing we already have my eulogy down.

Finally, to end on a positive note, a THUMBS UP for summer.  The snow is finally a distant memory here in Denver, and with that means hiking, grilling, drinking beers on rooftops and patios, and mostly, limiting my clothing to only one layer!  Of course, every day now  I complain that it's just too hot and why is it so hot, and oh my god, I need shade, but you know, if you can't complain about stuff, what's the point of living?  I think Woody Allen said that....

Anyways, that's my Tuesday tale.  Hope it helps get you through the week!

Monday, June 17, 2013

Our House...Is a Very Very Very Fine House

I don't have too much to talk about today, after an uneventful weekend, but I did go by the house to check up on the progress.  One of the sales agents at the front office is still trying to figure what my living situation is I think...he always asks things like, "do you guys have kids?"  or "are y'all moving in right away or waiting?"  I guess if I offered him more than just yes or no answers, he'd have more of a clue, but at this point there's just no good way to say, "I'm single!!" to a gay man without it being really awkward, right?  I also recently learned that the new Swinger signal, or "swingnal", is leaving your garage door open just a crack.  So of course I had to drive through back alleys looking at all the garage doors trying to figure out where this debaucherous lifestyle is going on.  I need to know who to judge!!  There's a joke about back alleys and cracks in there somewhere, I just haven't figured it out yet.

Anyways, the house is coming along very nicely.  All the interior doors have been installed, and we have cabinets now!  The kitchen has so many cabinets...I think it has more cabinets in this house than I've had in all my apartments put together.  Never again will I have to use the microwave as a pantry!  Despite all the cabinet space, I'm sure I'll still just pile everything into one drawer and not be able to find anything.  Such is my way.


The basement, as I may have mentioned before, will be left unfinished.  Until I finish it, it will be storage.  Or a meth lab.  But not a brothel.  I was specifically told I can't run a brothel out of my house when I signed the contract.  Seriously.  They said that.
Finally, and this is very important, in my neighborhood, all American Flags fly from left to right.  It's the American Way.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

I'm No Yeezus, But I'm Half Way There

So I've been reading about this fantastic Kanye West interview with the New York Times.  In the interview, Kanye does several things to prove that he is bat shit crazy.  It's gotten to the point now where he doesn't even pretend to be a normal human being "just tryin' to make it..."

No, like Jay-Z before him, he too has basically declared himself a god among men (sorry Kanye, Kim K is NO Beyonce.....)

Highlights from the interview include:

1.  Comparing himself to Michael Jordan

2.  Saying that Steve Jobs had to die so he could take over as the household name for culture.

3.  Taking back his apology to Taylor Swift for ruining her awards moment.

4.  Using lines like, "It's only led me to complete awesomeness at all times.  It's only led me to awesome truth and awesomeness.  Beauty, truth and awesomeness.  That's all it is."

Really?  Is that all???

So cheers to you, you God among fools, who's finally jumped overboard into a vast ocean of his own ego.  You've lost yourself in the empty nothingness that is your personality.  Remember the last song you made?  Yeah me was over a year ago already.  PS - Taylor Swift has had 32 #1 songs since then alone.  Just sayin'...

But for all his faults, the one thing I can't blame that joker for, is trying to be all that he can be, which is the segue into my next topic.  I've hit the 1/2 mark for my Couch to 5K training.  This is the point in the training where it's supposed to get hard. was hard from Week effing 1.  Who wrote this stupid training program?  Saturday I have to do a 2 mile run without dying.  So this will likely be my last post I ever write.   I guess, being my last post, I should prepare a eulogy.  Whoever comes to my funeral, will one of you please read this, as I'm slowly being lowered into the earth, and then set on fire (cos what's a funeral without a good bonfire??)


"Here lies So & So...for the next 12 minutes before we burn his coffin.  He was a good man, for the most part.  In his life, he accomplished many things, but he was only especially proud of a few of them.  He once hiked 11 miles without dying.  Ironic.  He celebrated every major holiday with gusto:  Flag Day, Columbus Day, and MLK Day.  He worked for 10 straight years without ever learning what his job actually was.  He was co-editor of the greatest newsletter ever written since the history of words.  It is with great sadness that we salute this man, NAY, this hero today, who survived red tide, unsolicited beer chugging competitions, and sub 65 degree weather, only to be taken by a 2 mile run.  It's said that even after his heart stopped, his legs kept running, searching for the cure for some unknown disease.  He is survived by his family, his friends and his two known gang affiliations:  Tampa Training Team, and the Three Leaf Clover.  His burning effigy will be a reminder to us all of his greatness, and that it's time for s'mores."

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Colorado Be Burnin' Y'all!

...or Wacky Wildfire Wednesday!!! That sounds more fun than what's actually happening though. 

Five wildfires are burning across the state of CO as of this morning.  The worst of the lot is the Black Forest Fire just Northeast of Colorado Springs, where a mandatory evacuation order covering over 24,000 acres has forced about 5,000 homeowners out of their homes.  As of last night, at least 7,500 acres had already burned.  This week's temperatures did nothing to help, with temperatures over 90 degrees, and wind gusts over 40 mph in parts of the state, it's bascially fuel for more fire. 

Meanwhile, another wildfire in Rocky Mountain National Park has already burned another 3,800 acres.  With wildfires both north and south of Denver, I'm starting to really question this whole wood frame construction business on my new house....

I guess the hot, dry and windy conditions are perfect for fires, but assuming these weren't caused by negligence, or some stupid kids burning playboys in the woods, (I don't know, kids are dumb), I guess you can't really get mad about it.  That's NATURE people!  Just like nature destroyed half my tomato crop this year (that's right, I talk farmer now), it has it's way of showing who's the boss of the planet at all times.  Sure we humans can try to do things to exert some control, like use aerosol cans, and throw paper in the trash instead of recycling.  I think the SUV industry was created to show Nature who's boss.  I mean, the Forrester?  if that doesn't spit in Nature's face I don't know what does.  But Nature don't care.  You can throw your plastic rings into the sea, Nature will just hurricane them back into your face.  You can burn non-clean sources of fuel, Nature will just burn down your home and 7,500 acres of forest around you.  And you can try your damndest to create plants, and Nature will just scorch the earth with unbearing 90+ degree temperatures for an entire week!

So what can we do, as human beings, to survive the harsh punishment that Nature dishes out?  Oh I know you think I'm going to say we have to be one with Nature.  We have to be good to the Earth.  Hug trees!  Only buy Prius's.  But if that's what you think, you'd be wrong.  In fact, we must double our efforts.  Instead of saving Sea Turtles, we should ride them like jet skis!  Instead of composting, we should make bigger and better landfills (we can always cement over them and make them into pools or skate parks!  And why buy a Prius when you can buy a Tank?!  So take that Nature!  We'll show you who's boss....even if it means destroying the entire planet!  (and you're next Mars!)


Tuesday, June 11, 2013

An Amuse Bouche of Tuesday Musings

Sitting here in my office, after being disappointed that the weekly Tuesday morning meeting was cancelled.  It's the best part of the work week, because it's one of the few times I actually leave my office.  Usually I just sent snide and snarky emails from my office to the other people sitting less than 15 feet away from me.

To pass the time, I am here to provide you with some random thoughts, feelings, and controversial beliefs that are either mine, or stuff that I stole from the internet and am taking full credit for.  Feel free to do the same...

1.  You know what's annoying?  Live Tweeting.  Twitter is at best a somewhat ok distraction until people's annoying advertisements or tweets about Justin Bieber make you sign off.  But when you  only have about a 10 minute interval to check twitter, the last thing you want is 12652351623 tweets about the Tonys as they're happening to blow up your twitter page.  I want to know what Aziz Ansari thinks about small dogs, not see your 400 hashtags in a row about something I clearly don't understand since I wasn't watching you tweet while simulataneously watching the award show you freak!

2.  Gluten Free Diets - It's basically just Atkins.  If you aren't allergic to gluten, stop doing these stupid level 10 blackbelt diets that aren't actually healthy for you.

3.  Everytime I see The Karate Kid is about to be shown on TBS or TNT, only to find out it's the awful one with Jaden Smith, a piece of  my soul dies.......but yes, I still watch it.

4.  Best name for an abortion clinic?  "Birth Ctrl + Z:  Undo that baby!"

5.  I'm convinced that elephants know more than they're telling us.  They just seem so wise.  Sea Turtles are hiding things too, but I feel like it's not stuff that's even relevant anymore.  Stupid turtles.

6.  Why is cereal at night so much more satisfying than cereal in the morning?  Also, why doesn't every meal include sausage links?

7.  An earthbox is any kind of sub irrigation planter where water is sucked up to the roots from a water reservoir below the soil surface.  And it doesn't matter what it's made of no matter what you say Jane!

8.  Summer brings out the schizo's in Denver in full force.  And for some reason they all come after me.  My arch nemesis hangs out on Larimer between 20th and 21st.  No matter where I am walking, when he sees me, he comes at me.  He looks like a cracked out version of Santa's leaner alternate dimension brother. 

9.  I may or may not have already created a fantasy football team for next season.  And I may have done that 12 days ago when Yahoo first let me.

10.  People would be a lot happier if they just lived their lives based on John Legend lyrics.

Well that's it for this edition of "Dumb crap this guy says."  Until next time!

Monday, June 10, 2013

Late Night Partying With Triplets (Oh Yeah!!)

For such a short, two-day weekend (that's right, let the schedule jealousy commence!), I sure was able to pack in a lot of stuff.  After a chicken-n-waffles brunch at Steubans, my friend and I continued our quest to become ultimate Coloradans by building two more earth boxes.  Now that we have this whole process down to a mother-flippin' science, we are able to bust these out in much less than the original half a day it was taking us before.  I think we got these two done and planted in like 2 hours.  It used to take us 4 hours just to build one!

Safety First!
And yes, as you can see, we don't let simple things like operating a jigsaw stop us from hamming it up for a picture!  She's wearing safety goggles!  I may or may not have been drilling holes like I was on Criminal Minds screaming out like Tony Montana right before I took this picture.  (And right after.)

Our completed work of 4 earth boxes is pretty impressive though.  I finally had the thought of actually taking pictures of all them.  So far we have kale, beets, bell peppers, broccoli, tomatoes, zucchini and squash planted.  Everything seems to be sprouting, but I really hope we get some decent produce.  This project has taken a lot of time and money.  And we're still not done!
A couple of potted peach trees in the foreground that my friend planted.  Hoping to take one them to my new house

So what do two young gardeners do after successfully instilling further Hippie culture into themselves?  The answer we're looking for is they get drunk!

We met up with some friends down in Wash Park Saturday afternoon to watch the Belmont Stakes (I didn't win any money) and then headed over to the BREWgrass festival, (oh Denver you and your clever beer inspired names.)  While there was plenty of beer, I don't think I heard one bluegrass song played the entire time.  But between the mint julep I had earlier in the day and the crap ton of beer I had at the fest (LOVE a good Fest!), I guess I couldn't really tell you if any was playing or not.  The night ended as most nights do.  Partying at a half Argentinian / half English couple's house to celebrate their 5 year old triplets birthdays!  We got there at the right time that the only kids still there were the ones being celebrated, and several adults were too drunk to notice that we were eating all their tamales and drinking all their booze.  Chris there was a whole pig there.  Head to tail.  you'd have been so jealous.  Jill's reaction to reading that just now:  "That's gross."

At this party several things happened.  I got all Miami with the hostess about turning up the music.  I had an awkward conversation with this drunk old man, but it still sounded sophisticated cos he's British.  I watched a friend argue (and eventually cry) for an hour with some old man arguing about horse racing.  I drank too much jack daniels.  (Even a sip is too much.  Americans don't make good whiskey.)

After leaving the party we did the smart thing and went to a bar, because that's what you should do when you're past the point of no return.  The next morning, I awoke to a text message early in the morning reminding me that we had brunch plans an hour from then.  I couldn't decide, in the sad state I was in that morning, if it was a better or worse wake up call than the sounds of violent fornication that woke up me the morning before.  Thinking back, it was better.  ANYTHING is better than those disturbing noises coming through my bedroom wall.

There's more to my Sunday, but this post is already long so here's the reader's digest version:  Brunch was awesome, Liam taught me about his favorite made up animal the Pottom (related to a possum, but has a tree for a butt, is blue behind it's "meat", comes from Asha Mountain, lives in the water and only eats dry dirt.)  It's strange that his favorite made up animal seems like it would be endangered.  Stole scrubs from a hospital for our themed zombie costumes (that's for a future post.).  And finally, we swung by and took a gander at my new house!  Closing date is set for July 24th, after which I'm moving to Canada to avoid the responsibility of having a mortgage.  Don't worry, the posts won't stop.  Canadian computers are just like US computers, except they don't have exclamation points.  They're so calm and polite in Canada!

Friday, June 7, 2013

Friday: Always Good Fist Pumps...Always

In Denver, there are really two major grocery store chains.  You have your Safeway, a traditional big box store with produce and meat that looks like it’s been in the case for the last decade.  Then you have your King Soopers, an inexplicably 24-hour grocery store, that often has no front door.  Seriously, it’s just an opening, like entering a grocery cave.  So weird.  But for the elite shoppers who actually want their produce to look like it was flown in that day, and meat to look like it doesn’t have bacteria growing on it, they go to the CO grocer’s mecca, Whole Foods.  With its brightly lit sections, vast array of cheese and gluten free, sustainable, GMO free, anti-government soaps that probably save endangered species, it is a place that caters to everyone!

As long as everyone refers to an upper middle class white population of post-yoga moms and faux-hippies who only shower in patchouli.  I’ve long disagreed with Whole Foods for their ridiculously overpriced everything, and stores that are so incredibly over crowded with stuff, you hyperventilate the minute you walk in there.  The stores themselves are too big.  They’re basically a Wal-Mart Super Center with a better marketing rep.  I think it’s a funny comparison too.  The same quip about, “I only shop at Whole Foods cos I know they will have what I’m looking for” can also be said about Wal-Mart, except if you say THAT to anybody, they’d probably respond with, “Ew gross!  But it’s WAL-MART!  They’re so evil!!”

Are they?  Have they crushed every attempt of their employees from unionizing?  Are they the big box grocer knocking smaller regional grocery stores out of business?  Well yes.  But guess what?  So has Whole Foods!  But here’s where Whole Foods stands out.

A store in Albuquerque recently fired two of their workers for violating the store’s “English-Only” policy at work.  The two workers were speaking Spanish to each other at the store, and for that were fired.  Sure you can pierce every part of your face, and the last time you showered might have been 2003, but don’t you dare speak anything other than English.  Forget the fact that Spanish is quickly become the most pre-dominant language in the country after English.  But Whole Foods has proven what I’ve believed all along:  You can be different, as long as it’s in the pre-approved way that upper white class moms will accept or at least tolerate.

Well, with the weekly rant out of the way, all that's left is to wish you all a Happy Fist Pump Friday!!!  Enjoy the weekend!