Wednesday, June 19, 2013

The Real “24”, Starring Me



Who remembers that show, “24” starring Keifer Sutherland?  It was the most action packed show on television, which covered 24 hours in the life of the craziest man in the world.  Who apparently never had to pee?  I mean even the people in Big Brother have to pee once in awhile.  Anyways, every season of the show had pretty much the same formula.  Some major event happens, Keifer springs into action, he gets himself into trouble, calls Chloe to get schematics, gets into unnecessary dialogue (usually in the middle of the season when they are still trying to figure out how to end it), finds some damning evidence through spy technology, and finally saves the country, until the last 5 minutes when he realizes it’s much, much worse than he thought.

I think my life has a lot of parallels to that show.  Wait wait, trust me it does.  I go on to prove it below, so stop your bellyaching and just read!

Highlights from this season of “24”, include:

Episode 1:  The alarm clock.  Ever since my phone got its most recent software update, I can never seem to get the alarm clock setting to work properly.  I’ve often slept right through the alarm clock, or it just never went off at all.  So now, I wake up prior to the set time, and lie in bed staring at my phone, waiting for the alarm clock to go off, so I can “wake up.”  This is ridiculous.  It makes no sense at all.  How have I become enslaved to this piece of crap phone?  So now I wake up early in anticipation of when I need to wake up.  Unless I set the alarm clock for a little later to counteract that, in which case I oversleep entirely.  This is why people retire.  They don’t get tired of work.  They get tired of the eternal struggle between them and their alarm clocks.

Episode 17:  Volunteer work.  I was finally promoted for one night to the big show at Project Angel Heart.  I was asked to cook!  After 9 months of chopping vegetables, I was finally asked to cook!  The moment would have been much sweeter though, if the volunteer at the cooking station next to mine wasn’t on her very first day there.  But cooking at PAH is different.  There are no spices or seasonings added until much later, since they have to modify the meals to specific dietary restrictions.  So what did I do?  I cooked 6 enormous tubs of zucchini and squash in this massive oven/skillet like machine, using a giant oar.  When asked how I liked cooking, I played it cool.  Maybe too cool….cos I think I gave off the impression that I didn’t like it.  I’ll probably never taste sweet victory like that again.

Episode 22:  Making small talk with the guy making my breakfast sandwich.  There’s always that moment where you know it’s not worth making small talk, but the words have already started pouring out of your mouth.  That’s how my innocent, “Haven’t seen YOU in a while!” comment turned into a whole story about how the guy that’s usually there in the morning was on some probation work-release program and things “didn’t work out” and I’m assuming now he’s back in jail.  Great.  Now I know the guy making my soup and a sandwich lunch was probably a homicidal maniac.  It’s a wonder he didn’t jump over the counter and kill me every time I asked for a substitution.

Episode 11:  Making power points.  In just 11 short days, I will be recognized (by nobody) for having completed 10 years at my job.  TEN YEARS.  I can’t think of another thing that I’ve dedicated that much time to.  Maybe Friends.  (the show, not the people.)  To commemorate that accomplishment, I spent about an hour and a half yesterday making a power point.  Because dammit, I do love making power points.

Episode 19:  Digital Video Recording (DVR).  Caught up on several outstanding  television shows on DVR.  I’ve already told you guys about the new baking competition show on CBS, but there’s also a great new Louis C.K. type show on IFC called Maron.  Definitely worth checking out. 

So there it is.  That’s my exciting life.  And PS – right now, we’re in season 11,788.  BOOM.

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