Tuesday, July 16, 2013

If Your Profile Page Was Accurate

As I get closer and closer to 2000 page views, (1987 right now), I think it's a good idea to let you guys in on who I am.  You've learned more about me already than you probably ever wanted to know, since I'm pretty much an open book.  That's made possible by keeping this blog to only a limited number of readers.  If my blog was more public, I'd feel the crushing weight of expectation, or worse, I'd start pandering to the crowd and keeping my topics and thoughts bland to not piss off the general masses.  I already do that on occasion to the 5 of you that read this blog now.

But for you select few, I've decided to give you a little insight into my belief structure.  These things that I firmly believe in, and with unshakeable confidence.  This is basically what I wish I could tell people about me in an introduction, as opposed to the where I'm from's, the what I do's.  These are the things that make me who I am.  Learn it!  Appreciate it!  Never use it against me!

1.  I wish I could bake.  Like seriously bake.  It's the ultimate form of cooking..you create these amazing things out of powders and grains.  It's omnipotence in an oven!  Right now, my baking ability is a -1 based on the cake I butchered last night.

2.  I really like following processes.  I'm not OCD.  But when something has a process, and people don't follow that process, I feel like it's a giant failure on everybody's part.  It's a life philosophy I carry with me, that if you try to beat the game, you may win sometimes, but if you just play the game, you'll have fun every time.  This rule does not apply in a casino.  Or monopoly.

3.  I'm probably a democrat, but since I feel like the Democratic Party is so pathetic, and for the most part, can't seem to keep their wieners in their pants, I don't really want to associate with them anymore.  I don't have a problem, however, saying I'm a Liberal.  Being a liberal means I have a political philosophy founded on liberty and equality.  I generally support ideas and legislation that promotes free and fair elections, civil rights, freedom of religion, free trade, and private property.  I left out freedom of the press because of TMZ, Fox News, and CNN.  They ruined it for all of us.  Mostly, I believe it's the government's duty to keep Americans safe by promoting these ideals, not infringing on them.  Most shockingly, I believe the government IS doing that.  (cue angry emails.)

4.  When I meet you, if I like you even a little bit, I will want to be your friend.  Not your acquaintance, not a character in an anecdote I'll tell later on, but your friend.  I'm talking, go out for beers, pick you up from the airport, and help you move kind of friend.  Not everybody shares this philosophy, which causes me great angst.

5.  I love noodles.  I like to eat them and I like to use them in pools.  I do not, however, support noodling.

6.  I hate what flying has become.  I'm not afraid to fly, and I'm not really claustrophobic or anything.  You'd think I should be, hurtling through the air in a metal tube made by people that are probably incentivized to cut corners to reduce costs (hello dreamliner?), but that's not what it is.  I used to love it.  when we were kids, I used to love going to the airport, going through the metal  detector, finding my seat on a plane.  Heck even the seat belts on the plane were the coolest invention in the world to me.  That's right, cooler than the actual plane.  (weird kid.)  But now, the entire experience is awful.  Standing in lines with people carrying luggage that in no other world but the airport would be confused as a carry on.  Squeezing into a small airplane seat, smelling the odor of every breath and fart around you.  Watching the worst cross section of America boarding and then proceeding to break every rule that exists on the plane.  The only parts I still like about flying are during the landing.  First, when you fly into the clouds and everything becomes bright white and then all of a sudden BOOM, the world.  Then, those 2-3 seconds of anticipation right before the wheels actually touch down.  It's all I have left.  Why aren't trains cooler yet?  Or at least cheaper?

7.  The 4 seconds between when I press a button on my "smart" phone, and when the application actually opens and loads, are the 4 angriest seconds in my entire life.  Entire worlds explode in my mind during those 4 seconds.  It's like the fury of a thousand suns, roiling around in my head to the point of human extinction....and then instagram opens up and it's all ok again.  I can't be alone on this one, can I?!

8.  The no text back brings about a milder version of #7.  Seriously, it's way milder.  I'm not pyschotic.

9.  My favorite smell in the entire world is orange blossoms.  Fresh orange blossoms are the greatest scent I've ever known.  I never feel at peace as much as when I am smelling them.  Clearly, these are what I need to be near, when I'm trying to open my text app to find out why somebody hasn't written me back.  I mean seriously, what's your deal!?

Since there's nothing quite as bad as being predictable, I'm not even going to make this list have 10 points.  The 9 above should give you enough insight into what makes me, ME, or have you running, screaming for the hills.  Either way, it's important that you know this, because when I become a pyschotic axe murdering serial killer of smart phones, you'll be able to write first hand knowledge about me in my biography.

1 comment:

  1. You're not alone. I have to resist the urge to throw my phone across the room every time I load an application. Also- orange blossoms...how I miss thee.