Wednesday, July 10, 2013

In my country, the ones are ALWAYS cold

As I mentioned to you last week, I'd like to take one day out of the week to answer my readers' questions on anything.  Whether it is to give some advice on how to talk to your boss, or just a general inquiry on how good a restaurant might be, I'm here for you, to lead you on a path you will never return fro....I mean to provide you sage words, as if coming from the mouth of the Dalai Lama himself!

Since I haven't received any questions yet, in only the second edition of this column, I will play the part of both inquisitor and in..quisitee?  So stick around and all your questions will be sort of answered!

Dear Mr. Omlette, I'm thinking of getting into the vehicular breaking and entering business, but it seems like everybody these days is in on the action.  How does a relatively new player in the car thievery market really stand out?  (Car) Jacked Up in Jersey

Dear Car Jacked Up in Jersey, I see what you did there.  First of all, let me say kudos to you on entering the exciting and potentially lucrative world of low level stealing.  With more and more people in the country driving bigger and bigger cars, it's no wonder you want to profit from this mobile home lifestyle.  The other day I saw a car that had a better stereo system than I have in my entire house.  It also had about 6 TVs, a bubble machine, and Dance Dance Revolution in the trunk.  Of course, this was on an episode of Pimp My Ride, but I can only assume this has become the new normal for cars these days.  But you are right...the market has definitely become over-saturated with other amateur thieves.  So how does one stand out?  Well Robin Hood, if you want to be the Prince of Thieves, then you need to start leaving your signature wherever you go.  Don't just take out the stereo from the car dash, leave behind something to make the victim know that you really thought this all through.  Take for example, this guy.  Not only did he have the audacity to steal from 10 cars that night, he left behind his cell phone, in what he must have planned as an intricate cat and mouse game for the victim.  It's like he was saying, sure I stole from you, but wasn't the scavenger hunt you went on to find me worth it?  And now look at him!  He's on the Internet!  The pinnacle of infamy!  If you want to one up this professional though, I'd start leaving better clues, like your driver's licensing, social security card, or maybe even a recent bank statement.  Trust me, you'll be so well known, the Internet will auto-tune your arrest!


Dear Sir or Madam, I watch a lot of C-SPAN (I thought it was Canadian ESPN) and I've noticed that congress seems to be getting along a lot better lately.  What's up with that?  When can we degrade the discussion again in hopes of fueling another civil war.  I haven't decided on a side yet, but I've started buying a lot of red and blue t-shirts from Old Navy so I can get on board with the winning team.  Are these shirts all for nothing?  Seceding in Reseda

Dear SiR, I too have made the mistake of accidentally watching C-SPAN hoping it was something else.  In my case, I thought it was a specialty channel for Spanish speaking cartoons.  This fallacy held on for awhile, as I still didn't understand anything that was being said on the broadcast.  But I have to disagree with your assertion that Congress is getting along.  If anything, they've hit the "giving up" stage in their relationship, where they are just passive aggressively not talking to each other at all.  Oh sure, all their friends know they're mad, and it's super awkward at dinner parties, but you don't want to get involved because you don't want to say something that gets you on the losing side when they patch things up.  Based on your recent clothing purchases, you know what I'm talking about.  But as far as a secession goes, you may still get your wish.  Because much like the housing bubble creeping up again, we tend not to learn from our mistakes.  Steven Spielberg tried to teach us, but we all fell asleep after the first 10 minutes of Lincoln, so we'll never know how that first Civil War ended.  I just assumed everybody turned into a vampire and the president killed them all.  And don't you worry about how the discourse in Washington has been.  Haven't you heard?  Sarah Palin might run for Senate!


Dear Guy, everybody says you're the guy.  I wanna be the guy too!  Kid who wants to be the Guy

No way!  You're just a kid!  Maybe when you're older!


And that's it for this week's edition.  Please feel free to email me with any questions you may have over the next week.  Remember no question is too dumb.  But every one of my answers will be.

Also I just realized that this post kind of resembled a Strong Bad Email.  For those of you who aren't familiar with that website, here's one of my favorites.

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