Tuesday, July 9, 2013

My Country, Tis of Cheese, Add Butter Liberally

I've traveled quite a bit in my 32 years here on this Earth.  I've seen, and eaten, it all.  I've been to Munich and seen how they drink liter after liter of beer, and eat giant plates of meat and potatoes.  I've been to the UK, where an English Breakfast can send somebody to an early grave, or where they invent stuff like this.  I've been to Canada, where they eat Moose and Squirrel! (There's some cooking show there called Rocky and Bullwinkle).  And when that runs out, they hunt human prey!

But I've always taken pride in the fact that MY country, my US of A, has always been #1 when it comes to Obesity.  We rise above the rest when it comes to the number of fast food chains in the world.  We sell things like a chicken sandwich, that uses more fried chicken as the buns!  We sell bacon sundaes!  We have hotdog eating competitions!  We have Texas!  Seriously....go to Houston, you'll see what I'm talking about...

We celebrate our obesity at every turn!  Chris Farley is arguably one of the sexiest strippers of all time!  Hip Hop legends, The Fat Boys, embody everything we strive for in this country!  And as everybody knows, my anaconda don't want none unless you got BUNS hun!  It's just common sense!  And look at what we sell in stores!  Twinkies are back with a longer shelf life than ever before.  They're the only thing that could last longer than a Rush Limbaugh rant (and just as unhealthy...) 

So how could any one ever deny that we are not the fattest of the fat, the elite of the ripped seat, and the large and in charge?  Well, friends, it's with great disappointment (c'mon, you felt the build up from the beginning of this post...), that I must inform you that we are no longer #1.  We are now the #2 of Obesity (see what I did there?), surpassed in chubaciousness by our amigos to the south, Mexico.  According to a report by the Daily Mail, Mexico has taken over the coveted #1 in fatness spot, wrestled from the weak, flappy arms of America.  With over 70% of the country considered overweight, and 32.8% of those considered obese, they've edged us out of our All-You-Can-Obese Buffet by an entire percentage point!  And to add butter to this misery bread, is the fact that WE are enabling this increase!  The increase in American fast food joints, catering to poor and younger groups who are making up this obese population is only solidifying their lead on us, as the Mas Grandes Pantalones! (That's 7 years in Miami paying off right there!)

So what can we do?  How can one person change the course of humanity?  I'll tell you how.  Never again will you buy single stuffed OREOs.  Double Stuffed all the way!  No more biking or walking to work.  Remember, if you're not sitting, you're quitting!  Sure that might have a bad effect on the environment, but what do you care?  If you're doing this obese thing right, you should have a hard time breathing either way!  Besides, YOU signed up to be an organ donor, so why not start donating them now?  So do your part as an American, and get back on your ass.  Remember, if you ain't fat, you ain't nothing!

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