Thursday, August 8, 2013

An Awards Show I Might Actually Watch!

Charles Darwin is perhaps best known for his invention of the Darwin Awards, which recognize important gaps in our evolution as a species.  His hope was that by isolating certain individuals who were basically brainless mutants and having us laugh at them, we would shame them out of existence and grow as a species.  Unfortunately for Mr. Darwin, he did not know that some of these same mutants would fight back by creating networks like TLC, Fox News and Bravo, with shows like Honey Boo Boo, pretty much everything on Fox News, and pretty much any of the Real Housewives of Who Caresville.  Also, The Bachelor.

But perhaps none of these networks have befuddled the minds and slowed evolution quite like the Syfy channel.  First, it changed it's name, most likely when even from a fictional standpoint there was no science involved in it.  But the Syfy Network pushed forward (while pushing us all backwards) with epic tales of Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus, and some other shark movies where the super intelligent sharks were wrangling up people while LL Cool J video recorded his recipe for a perfect omelet (that was a real movie...)  So with their fascination with sharks, it's not surprise that they would create the epic feature film, Sharknado.  By now you've all seen a clip, or at least heard about it.  You know how people say something is so bad it's good?  This was so bad, it was even worse than bad.  It was awful.  It was SO awful, they hired the likes of Tara Reid to star in this film, who was ecstatic to get work where she could put all of her syentific knowledge to good use.  Take her comprehensive understanding of marine biology.  Here's an excerpt from a recent interview:

"Today I was like, all right, I don't want to, like, really sound stupid when I do this show today, like... so I learned a little education on sharks.  So I look up 'sharks' on the Internet and I see 'whale sharks,' so I'm like, that must mean that a whale and a shark have sex. And then I think, 'Well, how do a whale and a shark have sex?"  
When asked if there was a video of it, she responded, 
"No, there is a thing called whale sharks, and then I realized whales are mammals and sharks are animals, so they have nothing to do with each other.  So basically the dolphins have sex with each other, but the sharks don't, so I thought, 'How is it such a thing?' But the difference is, there is a whale shark, which is the biggest shark in the ocean — he's also scary — and then you have the great white, who's also scary. There are over 400 kinds of sharks, but the whale shark is kind of interesting because he's not so mean."
 Thanks Tara, for that fascinating explanation of why you are so stupid.  Or maybe that was her Miss South Carolina answer for how to achieve world peace?  Get rid of the mean sharks!

And while we all are letting out a collective groan that there will probably be a Sharknado 2 featuring even more Tara Reid, we still give her respectful applause, as the 2013 Darwin Award Recipient:  She's the Darweeniest!

On a completely unrelated note, did you guys know that fruit rollups still exist?  And they are still as delicious as ever?  They truly are God's own papyrus.

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