Monday, September 30, 2013

If a Geo-Physicist Falls in a Bar, Does He Make a Sound?

Over the weekend, we celebrated a friends' going away party.  They are leaving the lofty heights of Denver to move out to San Francisco.  I've already warned them about the fog in the summer and to not worry it's 90% likely that it's not the smoke monster from LOST.  They said they didn't watch LOST, and then I beat them to the ground violently (in my mind.)

We celebrated their going away by hanging out with some the strangest people I have ever met, including several misogynists, a trashy girl from LA and a really strange guy who I'm pretty sure is a serial killer.  But all in good fun!  I was also dog sitting again this weekend.  At least I think I am.  Either that I have adopted a dog for the weekends for the rest of eternity based on the number of times I've watched this dog this month.  But to give you an idea, this is how my Saturday went.

1.  Woke up at 6:15 AM to dog demanding that I let her outside to pee.  Said dog was asleep in the center of my bed, with me barely staying afloat, until that time.
2.  Dog's mission to wake me up and make me lethargic all day has worked, as I was not able to go back to sleep.
3.  Sit on couch secretly hating dog, while face melting sun rises.  Oh yeah it was also like 40 degrees that morning so I had to finally turn the heat on.
4.  Meanwhile dog finds a spot against one of my legs on the couch, which immediately raises the temperature of that leg to 1000 degrees, while the other leg continues to freeze in this abnormally cold morning.

5.  Contact friend who's going away we are celebrating, asking if she needs any help with a yard sale she's having that day.
6.  Dog climbs on my face and attempts to lick my eyeball.
7.  Friend texts back saying she just woke up, is hungover and has puke in her hair.  But she plans on rallying for that evening!

Fast forward through several of the dog's other antics which include following me around the house, begging for food, and continue her attempts to remove my eyeball with her tongue.

8.  Go to an organized Oktoberfest event by friend's house.  Event has no german music, no german beer, nor does it have brats or pretzels.  Oktoberfest in name only.  Which is annoying itself, as I had to explain to several people why Oktoberfest and October are not in any way related...they are not even based on the same language.  This was in response to several inquiries of, "why are they having this Oktoberfest in September?"  Wikipedia exists for a reason people!

9.  At the next bar, I inhaled the smoke of a thousand cancers, thanks to it being almost entirely an outdoor venue.  Which was strangely packed despite the 40 degree weather.  The serial killer bought us all food at this bar, which started my demise into walking dead status the rest of the night.  The bar was cool for only two reasons.  The significant amount of yard games it contained, and the fact that you could sit in a speed boat inside the bar.

10.  At the last bar, we sat upstairs and continued to drink.  This means somebody bought me a beer which I pretended to sip on because I was so ready to go home already.  During our stay at this bar, the very rich geo-physicist (name omitted to due to neurotic intervention) sat down next to us.  He was quite...quite drunk.  Led by his friend down the stairs to a cab unfolded in a way that you expected to happen.  His friend thought he could be a counterweight to (name omitted) drunken forward momentum.  (name omitted) was of course twice the weight of this helper, who clearly wasn't a scientist.  Otherwise, he would have hypothesized as to what was likely to happen next.  (name omitted) upper body weight, "swayed" by alcohol, propelled him into his friend causing both them to tumble down the stairs to the lower bar area.  Just went to prove his equation, that force + PBR = bruises for a week!

 So yeah...that was Saturday!  Sunday was thankfully uneventful.  Oh, I did find out that those professional photos they were taking of my 'hood were posted on the builder's website.  So if you want to see them, you can check them out here:

Mine's the first one one the left in that first banner picture.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

The Only Thing Better Than TV is SHUT UP NOTHINGS BETTER

One of my favorite Fall activities, besides carving a pumpkin, seeing the leaves change color, and probably something with geese flying in some direction, is the fact that all my favorite network TV shows start back up again.  Most of these shows start out kind of awkward.  It's like if you haven't talked to somebody in a long time, and you aren't sure what to say to's just weird sometimes.  Anyways, such is the case with most of the season premieres I've watched so far.  Here are my non-spoiler recaps and assessments of all the season openers I've seen so far.

New Girl - Weird, but its always weird. But this time was weirder...I'm sure it will settle, but I felt uncomfortable the whole time.  Thumbs Down!

The Mindy Project - Good but maybe is thinking too hard about being a romantic comedy this year.  Also James Franco is in it, so that means it's much worse.  Thumbs Down!

The Middle - Good quality television right there.  Brick's character needs some kind of character development though.  He's becoming too one sided.  Thumbs Up!

Modern Family - For being the standard for sitcom comedy right now, i have to say the one hour season premiere was awkward, and just not funny.  These writers, high off their recent Emmy win need to go back and watch the previous seasons to remember how to land a joke.   Surprising Thumbs Down!

Criminal Minds - yeah thanks CM...I DID want to never ever sleep again.  Thumb in my Mouth Because I was Scared Shitless.

How I Met Your Mother - Well I missed out on the season premiere Monday night because of DVR issues and now I can't seem to stream it at work....(yeah yeah shut up), but this show is always good, so I'm sure this episode was top notch.  I think it's the last season of the show too!  So yeah, Thumbs Up based on faith alone.

Tonight, the premiere of Parks and Recreation, which I also presume will be funny, but could very well go the way of awkward, put together at the last minute cos we were doing shots at a strip club all summer vibe.  Who knows!  Tonight is also the series premiere of the new Michael J. Fox show, called...The Michael J. Fox show.  Another show I assume will be amazing.  Because he is amazing.

So I don't really have anything else to say today...and so far this has all been pretty weak.  But this link to Jimmy Fallon, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Stephan Merchant lip sync battling is amazing,'re welcome.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

I Don't Need a Hash Tag to Claim I Have No Filter...

Folks, for those of you who truly know me, you know how much I hate the use of hash tags.  I mean seriously, some of you only tell me things in 140 characters or less, and what was once relegated only to the halls of Twitter, now creeps up in every day life.  People just hash tag like it's going out of style.  Hash tags! Over it!

But the hash tag was not always this nefarious creature from the dark underbelly of social media.  It was originally called pound, and has a significant use as the way to tell a machine you are talking to on the phone, when you are finished giving it all your personal infromation.  It was the telegram of the automated customer service age!  Here's my social security number (POUND)  Here's my secret password (POUND) Please stop re-routing me all over the goddamn country (POUND POUND POUND POUND SMASH!)

Even in its first use in Twitter, it had a specific purpose.  For people who wanted to see photos grouped together by a single theme.   You see a cool picture of a dog, and you label it #puppies.  Then anybody can just search for pictures of puppies.  This was before Justin Bieber was born, and all future hash tags were about him only.  But then people, being the insufferable fools they are, starting getting cute.  No longer were hash tags used to actually re-route you to a specific group of photos.  Because hash tags were being written that could never be recreated by other people!  Instead of #puppies, it became #OhHeyIFoundThisPuppyOMGI'mInLove #JustinBieber.  So now, what was once a tool of DISH Network customer support, is used by idiotic people to sound extremely clever.

One of the most pervasive uses I've encountered lately is the use of the hash tag on instagram.  Instagram is a picture sharing tool known primarily for its many filters to make your regular ho hum picture of your sandwich you're about to eat, look like a 1930s picture taken by your grandmother in an old deli that she met your grandfather 6 years before the great war where he went off and died and all she has left was a picture from that special day's sandwich you're about to eat.  But to one up the already stupid pictures of food, people's legs at the beach, and mid-air jumping photos, now people are using hash tags to brag that their photos are so amazingly spectacular that htey didn't even have to use a filter.  So they're bragging that their photo has #nofilter by posting it on a website that is best known for its filters.  I don't know if that's just simple bravado, or a human instinct where we try to destroy every working process in our lives.  Maybe it's survival of the shittest.

But at least the internet is starting to fight back.  Now a website called allows you to call your friends out who not only use the stupid hash tag #nofilter, they actually LIE about it by secretly applying a filter.  Well you can go on this website and paste the picture's URL, and the website, assuming this person doesn't have their profile all private, will tell you if they're lying or not.  So that's a step in the right direction at least.  Now if only there was a way to bitch slap people who over use hashtags on facebook, I would love it.  Here's my homage to you hash taggers! You jorts among Miss Teen South Carolinas among people that aren't stupid as crap.

#Anger Issues

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

If You Want to Read More Blog, Turn Your Eyes Slightly Downward

Did any of you ever read those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books when you were younger?  We used to get them from the library all the time.  I would of course cheat, as I often do in most games.  To cheat in a Choose Your Own Adventure it takes good bookmarking skills, plus an organized mind to be able to backtrack to the part of the story where things all went wrong for you.  Of course, in these books, I didn't consider it cheating.  I thought of it more like watching a horror movie from behind a blanket.  The twists and turns these books often took were pretty gruesome, especially for a 9 year old kid.  The problem is that 85% of the book involved the main character dying in some horrible fashion, and it was basically your fault that he died.  This is a hard lesson to teach a child.  That no matter what good choices they think they made, they killed somebody.  I think that these jungle militant groups in the Sudan should just give these books to their child soldiers.  It's a much more effective way to teach them that everything is hopeless, now go shoot that village.

Some of you might not be familiar with this style of writing.  Let me give you an example.  Say there's a book called Larry Goes to Space, and it starts out where this boy Larry is out playing in the yard and finds this mystical orb.  When he picks up the orb, it starts glowing, and this voice out of nowhere says, "Hello Larry, press the red button if you want to go to space!"  Then at the bottom of the page it gives you choices.  It says, if Larry presses the button cos Space is awesome, go to page 11.  If he runs to his mom like a little turd, go to page 6.

Page 11

Larry presses the red button and gets transferred into a space ship traveling 1000 mph to planet Something.  On Planet Something he sees wondrous creatures.  They are like humans, and speak English for some reason, but have slimy skin.  Oh and like 4 eyes.  Oh and they eat humans.  One of them spots Larry.  If Larry tries to speak to the Somethingians, go to page 14.  If he tries to find a weapon and kill it, turn to page 24.

Page 14

Larry goes up to this creature and is like, "oh hey what up dawg?!"  He is instantly killed and eaten in a horrifyingly gruesome way.  Larry should know better than to talk to strangers.

OR....Page 24

Larry uses all of his GTA V skills and gets into the nearest car, and drives straight through Somethingian.  It explodes.  In this world that has never seen violence, it instantly recognizes it as completely awesome and makes Larry their king.  He uses his powers unwisely of course, and several choices later, probably dies of food poisoning, or from his skin melting off.

This is the kind of stuff that I was reading at age 9.  No wonder I'm so weird.  Sometimes it was in space, sometimes the middle ages, and sometimes it was just in the woods with a weird old dude that I didn't realize was probably a pedo until I was like 16.  Oh and if you were wondering what would happen if Larry just ran to his mom at the beginning of this story?  Just go to Page 6 to find out!

Page 6

Monday, September 23, 2013

100th Post! Flash! Pizazz! Pomp! Circumstance!

Like the disappointment that you derive from watching any awards show, this post will let you down.  Instead of a special edition of the Denver Omlette, I will proceed to regale you with tales of my weekend activities, like I do in any old Monday blog update.  So release that anxiety built up from your expectations, and enjoy today's edition of, What I did on the Last Weekend of the Summer.

It all started way back on Thursday, when after a whole half day of pretending to work, I spent the rest of the day at a pot luck lunch and then a team building photo scavenger hunt around downtown.  This was perhaps the most fun day of work I've had in the last 10 years.  Highlights from the scavenger hunt included:

1.  Some weirdos lingering around as we tried to take a picture next to a convertible, only to find out that they were the owners of the convertible.

2.  Asking the owners if we could take a picture IN the convertible.

3.  Then asking the same owners if they could put the top down for a better picture.

4.  The looks on their faces when we told them we worked for Treasury.

5.  The receptionist on my team who kept talking about how many times she's been arrested.  Hiring standards have changed.

6.  Men going to Ross and cross-dressing for the sake of winning a $5 starbucks gift card

7.  The hilarity that ensues when teams vying for said gift card vehemently argue that a chiuaua is NOT a wild animal, but perhaps the homeless looking

On Friday, I went to my friends' five year old's Grand Friend's day at school, which I agreed to before finding out this was like 4-5 event.  Per douchebag's dictionary, a "Grand Friend" is what a overly liberal charter grade school calls grandparent's day when they don't want to offend their Bently driving PTA members who's childrens' grandparents aren't available to come.  That being said, I don't know that there was another non-grandparent at this event.  Oh wait, one girl in Liam's class did have her babysitter, which we really know was an au pair, or live-in nanny who's green card is being held hostage by her owner....err...employer.  My interpretation of this day is more interesting that anything that happened there, so I won't bore you with any other details.  The music teacher at the school called the performance the kids did an "informance", which would be annoying enough if it didn't immediately make you think of this:

The only informance you'll ever need.

So as we entered into Fall, the air in Denver has started cooling down, which is a huge boon for my yet air condition-less house.  There has even been some snow in the mountains already.  I think A-Basin got like 3 inches overnight.  Crazy.  But the Fall weather does add a little extra hitch to my step, with the cool air reminding me that very soon I'll be able to eat what I want and hide my shame beneath several layers of coats.  Other things to be thankful for right now include:

1.  The fact that Modern Family and Community are both in syndication, and can be seen on USA and whatever station channel 3 is on Dish.

2.  The fact that I'm done with all my Ikea trips for quite some time.

3.  New neighbors moving in next week, who I've already developed a good rapport with.  Hopefully they will not be the bust the other nieghbors are turning out to be.

4.  The National Football League, and the fact that I can watch it 3 out of 7 days a week.

5.  The fact that the color of my skin is now "in season" and goes with pretty much everything.

6.  That the biggest thing stressing me out at work is what kind of cake to make for somebody's birthday next week.  I'm not quite sure how I was elected to make this cake by the way, but still, this job is not hard.

7.  Corn mazes and pumpkins.  Actually, decorating my house in general for Halloween.  I can't wait to scare the crap out of the stupid neighbor kid next door.  I want her to feel the haunting terror she instills in me on a daily basis.

8.  The fact that all the good TV shows are back.

9.  That on any given day I can open up and read ridiculous articles like this one.

10.  The fact that it will be 9 months before somebody legitimately expects me to go hiking!

And that's it for my 100th post!  I know I know it was like fireworks on your computer screen.  Contain yourselves!

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

In Today's Blog, I Blog About What I Blogged for Another Blog

Today I submitted an article to a writer for a Stapleton blog website run by Forest City Developers (the developers of all of Stapleton.)  The writer had initially contacted me to interview me for the blog, to get the perspective of a new resident in this new community in Stapleton.  Later, after agreeing to be interviewed, he wrote me back and asked if I could just write the blog article for him.  If I didn't respect his overt laziness so damn much, I'd have declined.  But in the end I wrote the article.  What could have been an amazing article about the rampant swinger infestation in Stapleton became a cheesy article, as one reader described it, written by a middle aged white man who wore last year's Bill Gates glasses.  It was an accurate characterization.  But, in an effort to seek redemption, I submit to you today, the blog article I wanted to write. 


A Life Without Curtains:  Perspectives of a Neighborhood Creeper

by:  Denver Omlette

Once upon a time, I believed that I could live this almost lego-like carefree life in a high rise overlooking a grand city, with hot neighbors all around who would never stick around long enough to makes things weird.  The transient life, without the dirtiness of just being homeless, or worse, a hippie, is really as close to perfection as one can get.  So you can only imagine my dismay when a year after moving to Denver, I was stuck with the cliche of a mortgage, which is equivalent to having to pay rent to stay in prison.  Yes, I bought a house. 

I purchased a home in Stapleton, which like the Eye of Sauron, has a large tower where Stapleton Militia watch people with their sniper rifles, ready to take out anybody who's grass does not conform to the required 2.34 inches.  The tower is a remnant from the old Denver airport.  Who knows what ghoulish nightmares lie deep beneath its surface.  But this post isn't about that.  This post is about the ghoulish nightmares that live above the surface.  Stapleton has a lot of diversity.  By diversity, I mean there are a lot married white couples with 2-3 children and a dog, but sometimes the guy doesn't have a beard.  It's most likely that guy moved from Indiana where they can't grow beards.  Being of darker skinned descent in Stapleton is not without its perks.  People assume that I'm a terrorist (like Miss America) and stay away from me at all costs.  This is less convenient when I'm out trying to meet my new neighbors, which is a very specific goal of mine.  As I've already told several of them, I want to get my name and face out there, so they don't accidentaly Trayvon me one day.  Also, I'm trying to figure out which of these neighbors are the swingers I keep hearing about.

You see, Conservatory Green, is not conservative at all.  (see what I did there?)  In fact, there is, deep in the underbelly of the Stapleton Red Light District, an entire culture of swingers, swappers, slammers (what?), and other nefarious characters lurking in the back alleys.  While nobody talks about it aloud, they have distinct signs to alert others of their persuasion to join the ranks of stranger orgies held late at night in one of the Mcmansions.  Whether it's a polished rock on their front porch, or a cracked garage door in the back alley, they are everywhere, wanting to polish your rocks, and crack open your .....nevermind.  In my quest to find out who these people are and observe their lives like I was watching Eyes Wide Shut, I think I may have accidentally become the neighborhood creeper.  I'm the guy who slows down walking by your house to see what's going on.  I'm not a pervert.  I just want to see where you put your furniture and what kind of curtains you bought to keep me from looking in.  I'm a casual observer, I'm not casing the joint.

In conclusion, my house is pretty good even though the 6:15 AM sunrise is blindingly hot and melts my face off every single time.  Not that it matters since I have to wake up before God so I can catch the bus that smells like old meat downtown every morning to get to work.  Oh well it's not the end of the world.  At least i'm not waking up to the sound of my neighbors screwing.  Which is ironic since I'm out here TRYING to find the swingers.  Also, I'm afraid to leave my house at dusk because I'm pretty sure that's when the creepy neighbor girl turns into a vampire.

So yeah...that's what SHOULD go on that blog.  Thank god you'll never see what I actually wrote.  I guess how I really feel is somewhere in the middle.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Happy Constitution Day!

If you know anything about me, you know my love for this country has no limit.  I love everything about, from our majestic flag, to our easily identifiable money, to our endless supply of ketchup.  (Once in Austria, they refused to give us extra ketchup packets for our french fries.  Maybe cos we called them french fries?)

So it should it come as no great shock to you that I would both know AND appreciate that today is Constitution Day.  If you also are aware of my abject laziness and lack of motivation to actually look anything up online, you'll know that I have no idea what Constitution Day is.  My guess is that it was on this day in 17-ought-7 that everybody around in Pennsylvania at the time got together and put their John Hancocks (which were called Bartholomew Foggybottoms back then) on a piece of paper that was akin to club house rules when you were 5.  Although instead of no girls allowed it was no blacks allowed.  This was later amended....Girls still aren't allowed.

Most people are very familiar with the beginning of the Constitution, which reads,

"We the people of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish the Constitution of the United States of America."
 Don't lie, you didn't know anything after We the people....

Most people have never, nor do they intend to read, the full Constitution and all the powers that it bestows.   That's ok.  For the purposes of this blog post, the less you know the better.  Because today, in honor of Constitution Day, I propose a new set of rules that all people live by called,

The New Constitution of a Citizen of the United Sates of America

Article 1.  Facebook

No person or group of people acting in concert shall comment on, or "like" a status or post that is more than 3 months old.  It is weird and if you are going to be a stalker, it's a dead giveaway of your stalking.  Gives the rest of us stalkers a bad reputation.  People caught doing so shall be defriended immediately.

Article 2.  Celelbutards

Any person who is, or who tries to emulate Ryan Seacrest in person, on television or on social media websites shall be ex-communicated from the country immediately.  The same goes for Justin Bieber, except we will hashtag about it on Twitter when we do that.

Article 3.  Privacy

All citizens are granted the right of privacy within the confines of their own homes.  It is up to each homeowner to secure such rights by covering exposed windows with curtains, blinds, shades, or meth lab like newspaper.  Any citizen who does not provide for their own privacy forfeits any such right and is subject to nosy neighbors who make faces at their children cos they're freaking weird kids who stare out the window like in a scary movie all the freaking time.

Article 4.  National Sports

Sports are defined as physical activities played individually or by a team where a ball, disc, puck or spear is involved, and one side crushes the other in some kind of humiliating fashion.  "Games" such as gymnastics and So You Think You Can Dance will never be considered a sport in this nation.  Karate is still up in the air, but only if you stop saying it all douchey.

Article 5.  Science

Science shall be taught in churches as well as schools.  While religion itself is not outlawed, it is imperative that fundamental truths are taught to all the citizens of this country.  Access to such knowledge is not enough.  Only with widespread teaching of science can we one day uncover the true nature of a hedgehog vs a groundhog, and if they are in fact related to the Wild Hogs.

Article 6.  The Twilight Series

You will seriously get shot if you bring this up.  Ever.

Article 7.  The Right to Bear Arms

This inalienable right shall be taken at its literal meaning.  The only gun shows allowed in our country shall be the ones you crave tickets to after seeing a steroid laden meat head coming out of the gym.  In exchange for having to put up with these disgusting sacks of testosterone, they will be required once a day to "Go Hulk" on their shirts for our amusement and entertainment.

Article 8.  Public Service Announcements

National news outlets in existence today shall be shut down indefinitely.  All news will be delivered by un-informed comedians who deliver it in The More You Know PSA style of delivery.  This succinct editorial will provide the public with all the facts they need to make informed decisions, without all the unnecessary drama.  The current anchors and producers of Fox News, CNN, MSNBC and The View will be tried for Crimes against Humanity.

Article 9.  Television

With all the extra airspace created from the lack of sensational media "journalism", the government will fund new episodes of Key and Peele.  Seriously the funniest thing on TV right now.  I mean seriously, have you seen this?  Or THIS?!

Equal time will be given to Dave Chappelle should he choose to ever come back to television.  He can have all of American Idol's time slots (that's like 12234 hours a week right there!)

Article 10.  The President of the United States of America

While no deterrent to a citizen's right to publicly or privately disagree, criticize or argue against the President of the United States shall be imposed on the public, the public shall hold the office of the President in higher regard, and give it the respect that it so rightly deserves, regardless of political affiliation, race or gender.  The elimination of shameless news outlets should help faciliate this change in attitude.

And with these laws, perhaps we can achieve what the South Florida chapter of the Asian American Association always tried to promote.....a Better and Brighter Tomorrow!

Monday, September 16, 2013

Don't Be Fooled, This Post is About Food

This post is dedicated to the memory of the late Chris Hollins...

Welcome back sunshine!  After a rainy week, and a cool and cloudy start this morning, the sun is finally out this Monday afternoon in full force.  I'm sure after 3 minutes of sunshine, Colorado was back in drought conditions, because no matter where you live, you're in a drought so shut off that faucet you jerk!

I heard this morning that Estes Park was basically shut down because of all the flooding and mudslides.  The neighbors that I'm stalking are supposed to get married there in two weeks...if they weren't freaking out before I'm sure they are freaking out now.  I want to ask them what they're going to do but based on the one time we've hung out so far, I don't know if I'm friends enough to text them.  Hmm...I wonder if emotional stalking is thing.  Empasthalking?

On Saturday, prior to another round of "How Much Can We Spend at Ikea Today", I took (and passed) an exam certifying me to be in charge of certain banking institutions.  This is not important, as I've mentioned before.  What was important, is that passing the test paid me that mad landscape money that I need to have the baddest patio in Stapleton.  (That's gotta be a thing!)  While most people would want to celebrate immediately after passing a test like that, I went to Ikea, and then found shelter in my house as the torrential rain that started earlier in the week hit Stapleton in full force.  It was at the height of this storm, when much of the city was under an inch of water, that I decided to drive downtown to meet some friends for drinks.  Alcohol > Natural Disasters.

Drinks became dinner became one of the most fun nights I've had.  Six of us went to a restaurant downtown called Rioja, who's chef has won several Top Chefs (Cheves?) and is a James Beard award winner, and the restaurant is rated two tires by Michelin.  We decided among the six of us that we would all do the tasting menu, which comprised of a six course preparation of food made in God's own blender.  What came out was course after course of a sensory nirvana.  If food can evoke an emotional response, I'd say it made me wistful, mixed with elation, and nervously aroused?  I don't know.  Normally I make fun of restaurants that think their food is the greatest thing on god's green earth, but seriously, in this case, preparation beat pretense.

Anyways, I missed out on a couple pictures...mainly the amouse bouche, which was some sort of fig-chicken sausage or something.  But the rest is pictured below.

The first course was a mango salmon lomi lomi, which if I have to guess, was a Hawaiian salt cured Skuna Bay salmon, macadamia-ginger pesto, scallion, cucumber, mango coulis, and basil pudding.  Again, just guessing.

Wtf is coulis?

The second course was fresh bacon.  Pork belly is very tender, but this was like, melt in your mouth tender.  This is also the worst of 6 pictures I took.  This was my irrational, "I need to turn the flash off so people don't see how lame I am" picture.  Seriously Chris, how do you do this all the time?  The bacon was a cardamom spiced pork belly in a madras curry scented garbanzo bean puree.

The third course was the pasta course, and included an artichoke tortellini, which was a tortellini stuffed with goat cheese and artichoke mousse, with a bunch of other amazing stuff (can you tell i'm tired of looking up the ingredients from the menu yet?).  The other thing was gnocchi with mushrooms, and the smallest fruit I've ever eaten, champagne grapes.

As we headed into the entree courses, I was already full from the delicacies above as well as the tray of amazing bread that kept making the rounds...the best was a goat cheese biscuit that was a close second to Red Lobster's cheesy biscuits.  Ok, maybe not a CLOSE second.  Even the butter was amazing.  As one girl in our group said, "I just ate the butter by itself...I'm not ashamed to say that."  The first entree was a seared sea scallop with leek custard, grilled baby leeks, and black truffle vinaigrette.

The fifth course was lamb two ways.  On the far right was a grilled lamb filet.  In the middle is a lamb sausage with a lemon yogurt topping, and on the left is a pillow stuffed with lemon cous cous.  All of this was over grilled baby zucchini and a tomato coulis.  I think the grilled lamb was my favorite thing on the menu, mostly because it didn't taste at all like lamb.

Seriously, wtf is coulis?!

The final course of the evening was dessert.  I wasn't hog wild over any of it to be honest, but let's be real, once you've had wal-mart brand frozen ice pops, all other desserts pale in comparison.  Featured below, was a goat cheese and black mission fig filled beignet with a ruby port wine reduction (left), and a white chocolate cheesecake, with seseme ice cream, a sesame nougatine, and a single blackberry, for some sort of artistic statement.  The menu also described this dish to include coulis, but I've given up on that word because I now believe it was probably the name of the chef or something.

Anyways, this dinner taught me a few things.

1.  As much as I make fun of these type of places, they CAN actually live up to the hype.
2.  A three hour dinner CAN be a lot of fun.
3.  I just looked this up.  Coulis is a form of thick sauce made from pureed and strained vegetables and fruit.  Thanks Wikipedia!  So it's basically mush.  Oh here we stomped on some apples and want to charge $7 more for this pork medallion, so let's say it's pork medallion with apple coulis!  The more you know.
4.  Chris Hollins is not actually dead...I just thought the dedication would make this more meaningful.

Friday, September 13, 2013

Happy Fist Pump Friday from the Island of Colorado!

How come when old white men fist pump it looks like they're screaming at kids to get off their lawn?

Well we made it to the end of another work week, and despite all the attempts to drown us, we have survived the weather here in Denver.  I'm not sure Boulder, or the neighboring foothill cities can say the same, as they're now located in the deep sea that was once Northern Colorado.  One day, we will find evidence of this once great society, and great minds will debate how they lived.  What was that medicinal herb found on every skeleton used for?  What mighty battles were these proud warriors preparing for with their drum circles and their unnatural dreadlocks?  What kind of militant organization WAS the "Green Peace?"

We may never know the truth, but history will provide us many tales to argue evolution vs creationism against.  Perhaps the history of Boulder will be taught in schools, or perhaps it will be "The Day God Went Ape Shit on Hippies." 

In other news, this extremely short, ONLY two day weekend will be a very busy one for me.  Besides having a test tomorrow to get some new certification, and more importantly, some cashola for passing the first time, I have another trip to Ikea planned, as well as some long overdue picture hanging.  With the advent of the laser level, which must be a new thing, I will for the first time in my life have pictures in my house that are hung straight.  Google, and my judgmental friends will let me know if I have done it correctly.  I say there's about a 30% chance I succeed.  Other than that, there is some football to be watched, neighbors to be stalked, and uh...sheep to be flocked? I don't know. 

But for those of you still trudging for another few hours yet today, there is hope.  And hopefully, in its own small way, this FPF post has helped give you the energy to get through the rest of the day, before you can get blackout drunk till Monday! 

As an added treat, here's a Happy FPF from a friend of mine in Boulder right now.  I think in this photo he's walking to the grocery store.

If we survive, I'm using this as a bong.

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Is it Smited or Smoted?

As the third day of uncharacteristic and incessant rain continues to sweep north east Colorado, and we can only assume that Boulder has washed away in an epic flood, leaving only the scent of unwashed hair and freshly smoked weed, I can't help wondering if this truly is an act of God.  What if God, in his infinite wrath of a thousand bible thumpers, decided to exact vengeance on the state of Colorado.  But for what I wonder??

........political face slapping segue approaching.....

The only thing I can possibly think of is the recent successful recall elections of two democratic state senators, whose only crime was to vote their conscience on gun control laws.  Next, the recall train is headed over to the Governor's mansion, hoping to remove one of the most successful and best governors I've ever experienced in Colorado.  (side note:  he's also the ONLY governor I've experienced.)  (side note to the side note:  You're right it is kind of gross to say you've experienced somebody....)

Since when did we start using recall elections to oust somebody out of the senate because they voted.  I thought that was democracy....You voted in a way on this one particular issue that I in this county don't agree with therefore you are dunzo.  Seems pretty rash to me.  Of course I live in Denver, the last remaining democratic hold out in the wild west state of Colorado (now that Boulder has gone the way of Atlantis.)  But then, there's a lot of things that I don't understand.  For example,

........neck breaking 180 degree segue away from politics into lighter topics (you're welcome).........

1.  Why don't we ever talk about 2nd world problems?  If a third world problem is having access to clean water, and a first world problem is deciding between fiji and voss, is a second world problem only having voss, and not being able to afford it?  Maybe it's Russia.  That must be it.  Russia, you're a second world problem.  #secondworldproblems

2.  What if I took a picture of a hashtag, and captioned it, #thisisapictureofahashtag #Iownthenight #99problems #justinbeiber.  Would it break facebook/twitter/instagram?  #Ibetitwould

3.  How do male ladybugs deal with the constant sexism from the insect world?

4.  If William can be called Will, and Matthew can be called Matt, how did Richard draw the short straw and get the nickname Dick?

5.  WTF is a rainbow?  Science keeps trying to tell me what it is, and of course i say, oh yes science i get it.  But seriously, wtf is it.  I bet that crazy mantis shrimp's rainbow is the greatest thing ever viewed by eyes.  I heard a radiolab about it where they tried to convey the different spectrum of light that different species can see to the size of a gospel singing group.  Confused?  So was I, but it did make me want to watch Sister Act II (which is the best of ALL the Sister Act movies.)

I don't really feel like going all the way to 10 on this list, and I'm leaving in like 10 minutes, so I'll just end today's post with a hiaku.

If God is angry
Instead of giving back guns
He should take rainbows

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

The Post That Will Make You Hate Me

Well, here we are again, for another installment of Wednesday's Wise Words of Wacky Wisdom....aka Hump Day Help Line...aka I'm Bored Y'all.

Today's question comes from everybody who I've known in the last 10 years who ask, "Dear Denver Omlette, what is it that you do.  I know you work for the "Government" but outside of locking me up in a CIA dungeon, what exactly do you do on a day to day basis?  Everyone from Everywhere

Well Everyone, everywhere, you have to understand that I work in a highly complicated field of subterfuge and mystery.  Which means what my job is a mystery to me.  But my daily tasks are a different matter all together.  On any given day, I write blog posts about silly things and sometimes annoying rants (which I mostly steal from other websites and take credit for them.)  Sometimes my blog posts are informative, like when I review hipster mexican restaurants that are in giant warehouses and serve all drinks out of mason jars and you sit at a community table and the tacos have like 1251223 ingredients include essence of ironic mustache and skinny jean root.  <-- True Story!

You might think that I spend all day on this blog, but that's in fact not true.  I knock this puppy out in about 15-20 minutes, usually during my post lunch coma.

Now that football season has started, I also spend a good amount of time strategizing my team, as well as providing lengthy weekly updates of the match ups week after week.  The purpose of these updates, since nobody actually has ever replied to one (not even to say, "nice work buddy!") is mainly to showcase funny animated gifs of touch down dances and other funny things that happened during the games.

But I've jumped way ahead of myself.  In the mornings, I like to organize myself at work.  This has nothing to do with actual work.  It has to do with filtering through my emails from groupon, living social, thrillist, 5280, the daily beast, better homes and gardens, serious eats, and probably more stuff.  Once I've gone through all of those, I like go check my gmail, which receives all the same emails, but I inexplicably open all of them before deleting still.  After this I check facebook, which is usually boring since I just checked it about 30 minutes before on the bus ride to work.  After this, I go downstairs and get a breakfast sandwich.  I go downstairs for one so often, they don't even ask me what I want.  After eating that, I play some Candy Crush Saga, which I think I'll take a pause from this blog update to play right now.

Ok I'm back.  Unfortunately I'm still stuck on this dumb quest.  OK, so it's usually right about this time in the morning that my boss or another coworker comes in under the guise of saying hello but really to ask me about some work related thing that I was supposed to have done but clearly haven't.  You have to understand that they start working the second they wake up in the morning like robots, so they are on the top of their game at that early hour.  I can usually deflect the question or blame the office fool (see yesterday's post.) if I get in too deep.  Their questioning motivates (read:  scares) me into working for about 15 minutes, until I get distracted by other things on the internet, like youtube videos and E! news updates.  I would say random interneting takes up about 6+ hours of my day.

Finally, on days where there is nothing left to search for on the internet, I plan stuff for my house.  My latest landscaping plan for my side yard is as follows:

Yeah that's a Boss.
Some days, I actually work for a large portion of the day, and those days are the worst ever.

So yeah, that's my typical day Everyone.  Why are you staring at me like that?  I can't tell if you're mad.  Whatever, I'm going on a break.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

What Kind of Hats Do They Wear at Scientology Meetings?

Most people who don't work in an office situation believe that most business meetings go like this:

They are probably discussing which brand of keurig coffe to get

In college, they told us that meetings were collaborative events where professionals shared ideas and came to some mutual consensus for the betterment of the so:

"We're all getting fired!"
And my feminist friends think they all look like this:

"I say, wouldn't it be fun if these pipes blew bubbles?"
The truth is, my weekly meetings at work are nothing like any of those situations.  We're not all smoking cigars, or fist pumping, or (from what it looks like in the first picture) paying attention... No, at my meetings I am usually trying to keep my scowling to a minimum, my doodling to a maximum, and my hatred to the behaviors of all those around me at a steady boil.  We have several types of annoying people in my meetings.

First, you have the old guy who thinks everything he's saying is the most important thing in the world.  Typically this guy does not know how to dress professionally, and will usually be the one in an untucked tommy bahama shirt.  He rambles on and on about some technical detail that has zero importance to you (primarily because eff this job), and when he's done, he tells you that it was for educational purposes.  While this person is annoying, it's best to stay on their good side.  Because when some joker calls you on the phone with some inane question that you can't answer, you want to bring Mr. Hawaiian Shirt in to basically take over the call and you can go back to shopping for curtains on

Next, there's the lady who likes to try and be "extra cute" with how she talks and everything she's talking about.  She tries to make everything be an inside joke even though nobody is laughing.  Every fact she says comes with a story.  It's not, Mr. so-and-so declined to provide that information.  It's, "so I called him about that document, which of course you know, we just NEVER seem to be able to get, and them OH. My. God.  He ran me around on this goose chase!  and in the end he never did provide it but that's ok, stay calm on carry on and it's almost ski season and did I tell about my kids?"  I stopped listening at "so." Never expect a straight answer from this person on anything.

Then there's the old lady who barely knows where she is.  She has a job here, but for the life of you you can't figure out what it is.  Unless that job is to complain about the temperature in the office and having to use a new program on the computer.  She will often have nothing to add in the meeting, but when it's her turn to speak she'll complain about somebody not in the room and why they're not good at their jobs...which are usually her jobs.  She usually tries to be cute with you at some point as well, but let's be real, we only have that kind of tolerance for our OWN grandmas.

The one guy I LIKE in our meetings is the clueless guy that's just happy he has a job but doesn't ever plan on trying to be good at it.  At least he owns up to it.  When it's his turn to speak, he's usually surprised that he has to speak at all, and when he does, it's usually a one sentence reply like, "nope, not much goin' on here...what's up with you?"  That's in response to, "what projects are you working on?"  The best thing about this guy is that if you ever mess up something at work, you know you can pass the blame on to him and everybody will believe you.  You don't work 10 years in this business without knowing who the scapegoats are.

The good thing about meetings, as boring as they are, they make the day seem shorter.  Which means less time at work having to do this:

And thus ends my formal analysis on well as the 15 minutes it took me to write this post.  3 more hours to go!

Monday, September 9, 2013

Ironic First Step to Homelessness: Buy a Home

Since moving into my new house, I've come  to realize a few things about myself.  Some of these things I always knew, but figured I would magically change once I was doing more mature things, like buying a house.  Sadly, this is not the case.  Every day in my house, I think to myself that I am unequipped for the responsibility that's required for regular maintanance of a home.  For example, on Saturday, I hung a curtain that I had accidentally purchased for my bedroom (was too small) in the bathroom.  This curtain replaced the bedsheet that I had slung over the curtain rod up until that point.  I had no issues with the bedsheet personally, until I noticed that you could clearly identify it as such when you saw it from the outside.  It was only my persistent need for my neighbors to think I belong there with them that I chose to replace the bedsheet with a proper curtain.  Is this some Stepford induced desire to conform to the perceived "perfect neighborhood?"  No.  This has nothing to do with that.  The "there" I'm referring to is not Stapleton.  It's adulthood.

To end that story, by the way, after hanging the curtain (which took entirely too long and made any bigger projects I'm planning in the house seem laughable...), I spent the rest of the afternoon playing Xbox, and watching Muppet Treasure Island.

Here are another 10 reasons why I am probably not mature enough to have bought this house:

1.  I don't actually know who or when I'm supposed to pay my mortgage.  It's September what point do they foreclose on me?

2.  #1 is especially alarming since I'm a Bank Regulator....

3.  Sometimes when my neighbors' kids are staring at me through their windows, I make faces at them.  This is in retaliation for their dogs' constant barking out in the yard.

4.  I kind of want to make faces at their parents too....

5.  The curtains I have in my house are not to prevent others from seeing into my house...they are there to prevent me from constantly staring into other people's houses.

6.  When I was shopping in Marshall's yesterday for home decor, I got distracted within 5 minutes by the Halloween decorations, which led me to a 6 foot tall inflatable grim reaper that I should probably buy, which made me start thinking about how to scare kids in my neighborhood this Halloween, which is what I was thinking about when I was all of a sudden standing at the cash register buying more bar glasses.

7.  I may never actually know what a sconce is.  And I'm ok with that.

8.  I can still recite all the words to the Captain Planet theme song, yet I can't remember a single thing my warranty manager told me about caring for my house.  Seriously, I was too distracted by the fact that he looks like a biker.

9.  I think a snow blower would make the ultimate weapon in a snow ball fight.  It would be like samurai facing a machine gun, am I right Tom Cruise?

10.  I don't get home insurance. I understood it for my car, but if somebody crashes into my house, do I get to borrow a rental house for 30 days too?  Also, do atheists have "act of God" clauses in their policies?  Also, what if life insurance worked the same way.  When you died, you got to live in somebody else's body for like 30 days, just to tie off loose ends, check off the bucket list, make sure your wife isn't already shackin' up with your best friend, that sort of thing.  Also, that makes me think of that Chris Rock movie where he played a rich old white guy.  Nobody seemed to care about the abject racism in that movie.  Anyways, if I continue down this path of logic, I'll probably end up at Marshall's again buying bar glasses on clearance.

In my mind, if I mess up on this whole home owning thing, it will end like a game show.  There will be an ironic You Lost! sound, and then the host will take back the keys, and I'll go back to my apartment downtown.  Everybody will have a good laugh and then forget about it.  But what everybody didn't know was that I looked into the future and saw my life in about 2 years.  It's not pretty...

I know what you're thinking...that IS a sweet beard!  Also I never realized I'd be able to pull off a beanie like that!  Here's to the future!

Friday, September 6, 2013

It's Not Like I Suggested Human Hunting....YET.

When I was a kid I was in Gifted, which was a class where all the people with too much energy and disruptive behavior went to hone their manipulative skills.  When not causing troubles (i.e. short circuiting the electrical systems), we would engage in activities meant to challenge our ability to think critically and creatively.  My favorite activity every year in Gifted was participating in the Future Problem Solvers of America (FPS).  FPS was an annual competition where groups of kids worked through an imagined future concern and came up with the best solution to resolve this crisis.  The format went something like this:

You’re given a problem in the future like, “In 2050, homelessness is rampant in the world.  It’s become an epidemic.  Plus they’re all on bath salts and are eating people’s faces, and even worse they don’t show you gratitude for giving them a dollar like just 6 days ago.”

Next, as a group, you identify like 10 or 20 issues in the scenario.  Of course mine was abbreviated, so I’ll just pick like 3 issues.  One, too many homeless people.  Two, everybody seems to have access to bath salts, and Three, the homeless don’t show any gratitude.

Once you’ve identified a bunch of issues, you come up with questions to basically rank the issues in order of severity.  The questions you form are supposed to highlight what is really the most severe issue.  So you might ask, What is the most immediate concern?  What is the deadliest issue?  What will get fox news the most riled up?

So now you’ve ranked the most pressing issue, so your team spends times coming up with solutions to that issue.  This is the best part, because you’re allowed to go as buck wild with it as you want.  There is no limit to your creativity here.  So if we picked the problem of everybody having bath salts, then you might come up with solutions like, “introduce a bath salt placebo to reduce the dependency over time” or “ship em all to Mars!” ß That last one was a real solution I wrote in an FPS scenario.  Did not go over well….

Once you’ve come up with a bunch of solutions, you go back and develop more criteria to rank the solutions.  This time you’re looking for the most positive solution, so you might come up with questions like, “Which solution has the least cost impact to the world?” or “Which solution will be the most easily implemented?” or “Which solution will not get us kicked out of the competition for suggesting we ship homeless people to a desolate planet?”

After you’ve scored and come up with the best solution, your group writes up an action plan on how the plan would be implemented.  The plan would be detailed with costs, timelines, operational details, and finally the overall impact of the plan on the underlying problem identified previously.  My favorite part came after this step, where we usually developed a skit to act out the whole plan.  This is usually where things got weird for whatever group I was in.  For example, if our ultimate solution was something like, “replace bath salts with aspirin, thereby ending the cannibalism and helping with chronic headaches!”, then we might do an entire skit about roaming packs of homeless people who now no longer want to eat people and instead talk about how they don’t get the 3 PM pounding migraines anymore.  Crisis Averted!

I encourage all of you with children to get involved if your local school has anything like this program.  It’s the one thing I remember from middle school, and let’s be honest, from all my years of education that I actually liked.  It’s an enriching program that teaches children to think outside the box.  And the box is not somewhere you want to be thinking…..cos that’s where the homeless guy which you refused to ship to Mars lives!  And he’s on bath salts!  And doesn’t remember the $1 you gave him like 6 days ago!  AND HE’S POOPING RIGHT NOW!!!

Anyways, here’s a link to the FPS international website, with links to your local state’s programs.  Check it: