So it should it come as no great shock to you that I would both know AND appreciate that today is Constitution Day. If you also are aware of my abject laziness and lack of motivation to actually look anything up online, you'll know that I have no idea what Constitution Day is. My guess is that it was on this day in 17-ought-7 that everybody around in Pennsylvania at the time got together and put their John Hancocks (which were called Bartholomew Foggybottoms back then) on a piece of paper that was akin to club house rules when you were 5. Although instead of no girls allowed it was no blacks allowed. This was later amended....Girls still aren't allowed.
Most people are very familiar with the beginning of the Constitution, which reads,
"We the people of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish the Constitution of the United States of America."Don't lie, you didn't know anything after We the people....
Most people have never, nor do they intend to read, the full Constitution and all the powers that it bestows. That's ok. For the purposes of this blog post, the less you know the better. Because today, in honor of Constitution Day, I propose a new set of rules that all people live by called,
The New Constitution of a Citizen of the United Sates of America
Article 1. Facebook
No person or group of people acting in concert shall comment on, or "like" a status or post that is more than 3 months old. It is weird and if you are going to be a stalker, it's a dead giveaway of your stalking. Gives the rest of us stalkers a bad reputation. People caught doing so shall be defriended immediately.
Article 2. Celelbutards
Any person who is, or who tries to emulate Ryan Seacrest in person, on television or on social media websites shall be ex-communicated from the country immediately. The same goes for Justin Bieber, except we will hashtag about it on Twitter when we do that.
Article 3. Privacy
All citizens are granted the right of privacy within the confines of their own homes. It is up to each homeowner to secure such rights by covering exposed windows with curtains, blinds, shades, or meth lab like newspaper. Any citizen who does not provide for their own privacy forfeits any such right and is subject to nosy neighbors who make faces at their children cos they're freaking weird kids who stare out the window like in a scary movie all the freaking time.
Article 4. National Sports
Sports are defined as physical activities played individually or by a team where a ball, disc, puck or spear is involved, and one side crushes the other in some kind of humiliating fashion. "Games" such as gymnastics and So You Think You Can Dance will never be considered a sport in this nation. Karate is still up in the air, but only if you stop saying it all douchey.
Article 5. Science
Science shall be taught in churches as well as schools. While religion itself is not outlawed, it is imperative that fundamental truths are taught to all the citizens of this country. Access to such knowledge is not enough. Only with widespread teaching of science can we one day uncover the true nature of a hedgehog vs a groundhog, and if they are in fact related to the Wild Hogs.
Article 6. The Twilight Series
You will seriously get shot if you bring this up. Ever.
Article 7. The Right to Bear Arms
This inalienable right shall be taken at its literal meaning. The only gun shows allowed in our country shall be the ones you crave tickets to after seeing a steroid laden meat head coming out of the gym. In exchange for having to put up with these disgusting sacks of testosterone, they will be required once a day to "Go Hulk" on their shirts for our amusement and entertainment.
Article 8. Public Service Announcements
National news outlets in existence today shall be shut down indefinitely. All news will be delivered by un-informed comedians who deliver it in The More You Know PSA style of delivery. This succinct editorial will provide the public with all the facts they need to make informed decisions, without all the unnecessary drama. The current anchors and producers of Fox News, CNN, MSNBC and The View will be tried for Crimes against Humanity.
Article 9. Television
With all the extra airspace created from the lack of sensational media "journalism", the government will fund new episodes of Key and Peele. Seriously the funniest thing on TV right now. I mean seriously, have you seen this? Or THIS?!
Equal time will be given to Dave Chappelle should he choose to ever come back to television. He can have all of American Idol's time slots (that's like 12234 hours a week right there!)
Article 10. The President of the United States of America
While no deterrent to a citizen's right to publicly or privately disagree, criticize or argue against the President of the United States shall be imposed on the public, the public shall hold the office of the President in higher regard, and give it the respect that it so rightly deserves, regardless of political affiliation, race or gender. The elimination of shameless news outlets should help faciliate this change in attitude.
And with these laws, perhaps we can achieve what the South Florida chapter of the Asian American Association always tried to promote.....a Better and Brighter Tomorrow!