Tuesday, September 24, 2013

If You Want to Read More Blog, Turn Your Eyes Slightly Downward

Did any of you ever read those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books when you were younger?  We used to get them from the library all the time.  I would of course cheat, as I often do in most games.  To cheat in a Choose Your Own Adventure it takes good bookmarking skills, plus an organized mind to be able to backtrack to the part of the story where things all went wrong for you.  Of course, in these books, I didn't consider it cheating.  I thought of it more like watching a horror movie from behind a blanket.  The twists and turns these books often took were pretty gruesome, especially for a 9 year old kid.  The problem is that 85% of the book involved the main character dying in some horrible fashion, and it was basically your fault that he died.  This is a hard lesson to teach a child.  That no matter what good choices they think they made, they killed somebody.  I think that these jungle militant groups in the Sudan should just give these books to their child soldiers.  It's a much more effective way to teach them that everything is hopeless, now go shoot that village.

Some of you might not be familiar with this style of writing.  Let me give you an example.  Say there's a book called Larry Goes to Space, and it starts out where this boy Larry is out playing in the yard and finds this mystical orb.  When he picks up the orb, it starts glowing, and this voice out of nowhere says, "Hello Larry, press the red button if you want to go to space!"  Then at the bottom of the page it gives you choices.  It says, if Larry presses the button cos Space is awesome, go to page 11.  If he runs to his mom like a little turd, go to page 6.

Page 11

Larry presses the red button and gets transferred into a space ship traveling 1000 mph to planet Something.  On Planet Something he sees wondrous creatures.  They are like humans, and speak English for some reason, but have slimy skin.  Oh and like 4 eyes.  Oh and they eat humans.  One of them spots Larry.  If Larry tries to speak to the Somethingians, go to page 14.  If he tries to find a weapon and kill it, turn to page 24.

Page 14

Larry goes up to this creature and is like, "oh hey what up dawg?!"  He is instantly killed and eaten in a horrifyingly gruesome way.  Larry should know better than to talk to strangers.

OR....Page 24

Larry uses all of his GTA V skills and gets into the nearest car like....car, and drives straight through Somethingian.  It explodes.  In this world that has never seen violence, it instantly recognizes it as completely awesome and makes Larry their king.  He uses his powers unwisely of course, and several choices later, probably dies of food poisoning, or from his skin melting off.

This is the kind of stuff that I was reading at age 9.  No wonder I'm so weird.  Sometimes it was in space, sometimes the middle ages, and sometimes it was just in the woods with a weird old dude that I didn't realize was probably a pedo until I was like 16.  Oh and if you were wondering what would happen if Larry just ran to his mom at the beginning of this story?  Just go to Page 6 to find out!

Page 6

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