Monday, September 9, 2013

Ironic First Step to Homelessness: Buy a Home

Since moving into my new house, I've come  to realize a few things about myself.  Some of these things I always knew, but figured I would magically change once I was doing more mature things, like buying a house.  Sadly, this is not the case.  Every day in my house, I think to myself that I am unequipped for the responsibility that's required for regular maintanance of a home.  For example, on Saturday, I hung a curtain that I had accidentally purchased for my bedroom (was too small) in the bathroom.  This curtain replaced the bedsheet that I had slung over the curtain rod up until that point.  I had no issues with the bedsheet personally, until I noticed that you could clearly identify it as such when you saw it from the outside.  It was only my persistent need for my neighbors to think I belong there with them that I chose to replace the bedsheet with a proper curtain.  Is this some Stepford induced desire to conform to the perceived "perfect neighborhood?"  No.  This has nothing to do with that.  The "there" I'm referring to is not Stapleton.  It's adulthood.

To end that story, by the way, after hanging the curtain (which took entirely too long and made any bigger projects I'm planning in the house seem laughable...), I spent the rest of the afternoon playing Xbox, and watching Muppet Treasure Island.

Here are another 10 reasons why I am probably not mature enough to have bought this house:

1.  I don't actually know who or when I'm supposed to pay my mortgage.  It's September 9th...at what point do they foreclose on me?

2.  #1 is especially alarming since I'm a Bank Regulator....

3.  Sometimes when my neighbors' kids are staring at me through their windows, I make faces at them.  This is in retaliation for their dogs' constant barking out in the yard.

4.  I kind of want to make faces at their parents too....

5.  The curtains I have in my house are not to prevent others from seeing into my house...they are there to prevent me from constantly staring into other people's houses.

6.  When I was shopping in Marshall's yesterday for home decor, I got distracted within 5 minutes by the Halloween decorations, which led me to a 6 foot tall inflatable grim reaper that I should probably buy, which made me start thinking about how to scare kids in my neighborhood this Halloween, which is what I was thinking about when I was all of a sudden standing at the cash register buying more bar glasses.

7.  I may never actually know what a sconce is.  And I'm ok with that.

8.  I can still recite all the words to the Captain Planet theme song, yet I can't remember a single thing my warranty manager told me about caring for my house.  Seriously, I was too distracted by the fact that he looks like a biker.

9.  I think a snow blower would make the ultimate weapon in a snow ball fight.  It would be like samurai facing a machine gun, am I right Tom Cruise?

10.  I don't get home insurance. I understood it for my car, but if somebody crashes into my house, do I get to borrow a rental house for 30 days too?  Also, do atheists have "act of God" clauses in their policies?  Also, what if life insurance worked the same way.  When you died, you got to live in somebody else's body for like 30 days, just to tie off loose ends, check off the bucket list, make sure your wife isn't already shackin' up with your best friend, that sort of thing.  Also, that makes me think of that Chris Rock movie where he played a rich old white guy.  Nobody seemed to care about the abject racism in that movie.  Anyways, if I continue down this path of logic, I'll probably end up at Marshall's again buying bar glasses on clearance.

In my mind, if I mess up on this whole home owning thing, it will end like a game show.  There will be an ironic You Lost! sound, and then the host will take back the keys, and I'll go back to my apartment downtown.  Everybody will have a good laugh and then forget about it.  But what everybody didn't know was that I looked into the future and saw my life in about 2 years.  It's not pretty...






I know what you're thinking...that IS a sweet beard!  Also I never realized I'd be able to pull off a beanie like that!  Here's to the future!

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