Wednesday, September 11, 2013

The Post That Will Make You Hate Me

Well, here we are again, for another installment of Wednesday's Wise Words of Wacky Wisdom....aka Hump Day Help Line...aka I'm Bored Y'all.

Today's question comes from everybody who I've known in the last 10 years who ask, "Dear Denver Omlette, what is it that you do.  I know you work for the "Government" but outside of locking me up in a CIA dungeon, what exactly do you do on a day to day basis?  Everyone from Everywhere

Well Everyone, everywhere, you have to understand that I work in a highly complicated field of subterfuge and mystery.  Which means what my job is a mystery to me.  But my daily tasks are a different matter all together.  On any given day, I write blog posts about silly things and sometimes annoying rants (which I mostly steal from other websites and take credit for them.)  Sometimes my blog posts are informative, like when I review hipster mexican restaurants that are in giant warehouses and serve all drinks out of mason jars and you sit at a community table and the tacos have like 1251223 ingredients include essence of ironic mustache and skinny jean root.  <-- True Story!

You might think that I spend all day on this blog, but that's in fact not true.  I knock this puppy out in about 15-20 minutes, usually during my post lunch coma.

Now that football season has started, I also spend a good amount of time strategizing my team, as well as providing lengthy weekly updates of the match ups week after week.  The purpose of these updates, since nobody actually has ever replied to one (not even to say, "nice work buddy!") is mainly to showcase funny animated gifs of touch down dances and other funny things that happened during the games.

But I've jumped way ahead of myself.  In the mornings, I like to organize myself at work.  This has nothing to do with actual work.  It has to do with filtering through my emails from groupon, living social, thrillist, 5280, the daily beast, better homes and gardens, serious eats, and probably more stuff.  Once I've gone through all of those, I like go check my gmail, which receives all the same emails, but I inexplicably open all of them before deleting still.  After this I check facebook, which is usually boring since I just checked it about 30 minutes before on the bus ride to work.  After this, I go downstairs and get a breakfast sandwich.  I go downstairs for one so often, they don't even ask me what I want.  After eating that, I play some Candy Crush Saga, which I think I'll take a pause from this blog update to play right now.

Ok I'm back.  Unfortunately I'm still stuck on this dumb quest.  OK, so it's usually right about this time in the morning that my boss or another coworker comes in under the guise of saying hello but really to ask me about some work related thing that I was supposed to have done but clearly haven't.  You have to understand that they start working the second they wake up in the morning like robots, so they are on the top of their game at that early hour.  I can usually deflect the question or blame the office fool (see yesterday's post.) if I get in too deep.  Their questioning motivates (read:  scares) me into working for about 15 minutes, until I get distracted by other things on the internet, like youtube videos and E! news updates.  I would say random interneting takes up about 6+ hours of my day.

Finally, on days where there is nothing left to search for on the internet, I plan stuff for my house.  My latest landscaping plan for my side yard is as follows:

Yeah that's a Boss.
Some days, I actually work for a large portion of the day, and those days are the worst ever.

So yeah, that's my typical day Everyone.  Why are you staring at me like that?  I can't tell if you're mad.  Whatever, I'm going on a break.

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