Tuesday, September 10, 2013

What Kind of Hats Do They Wear at Scientology Meetings?

Most people who don't work in an office situation believe that most business meetings go like this:

They are probably discussing which brand of keurig coffe to get

In college, they told us that meetings were collaborative events where professionals shared ideas and came to some mutual consensus for the betterment of the company....like so:

"We're all getting fired!"
And my feminist friends think they all look like this:

"I say, wouldn't it be fun if these pipes blew bubbles?"
The truth is, my weekly meetings at work are nothing like any of those situations.  We're not all smoking cigars, or fist pumping, or (from what it looks like in the first picture) paying attention... No, at my meetings I am usually trying to keep my scowling to a minimum, my doodling to a maximum, and my hatred to the behaviors of all those around me at a steady boil.  We have several types of annoying people in my meetings.

First, you have the old guy who thinks everything he's saying is the most important thing in the world.  Typically this guy does not know how to dress professionally, and will usually be the one in an untucked tommy bahama shirt.  He rambles on and on about some technical detail that has zero importance to you (primarily because eff this job), and when he's done, he tells you that it was for educational purposes.  While this person is annoying, it's best to stay on their good side.  Because when some joker calls you on the phone with some inane question that you can't answer, you want to bring Mr. Hawaiian Shirt in to basically take over the call and you can go back to shopping for curtains on Ikea.com.

Next, there's the lady who likes to try and be "extra cute" with how she talks and everything she's talking about.  She tries to make everything be an inside joke even though nobody is laughing.  Every fact she says comes with a story.  It's not, Mr. so-and-so declined to provide that information.  It's, "so I called him about that document, which of course you know, we just NEVER seem to be able to get, and them OH. My. God.  He ran me around on this goose chase!  and in the end he never did provide it but that's ok, stay calm on carry on and it's almost ski season and did I tell about my kids?"  I stopped listening at "so." Never expect a straight answer from this person on anything.

Then there's the old lady who barely knows where she is.  She has a job here, but for the life of you you can't figure out what it is.  Unless that job is to complain about the temperature in the office and having to use a new program on the computer.  She will often have nothing to add in the meeting, but when it's her turn to speak she'll complain about somebody not in the room and why they're not good at their jobs...which are usually her jobs.  She usually tries to be cute with you at some point as well, but let's be real, we only have that kind of tolerance for our OWN grandmas.

The one guy I LIKE in our meetings is the clueless guy that's just happy he has a job but doesn't ever plan on trying to be good at it.  At least he owns up to it.  When it's his turn to speak, he's usually surprised that he has to speak at all, and when he does, it's usually a one sentence reply like, "nope, not much goin' on here...what's up with you?"  That's in response to, "what projects are you working on?"  The best thing about this guy is that if you ever mess up something at work, you know you can pass the blame on to him and everybody will believe you.  You don't work 10 years in this business without knowing who the scapegoats are.

The good thing about meetings, as boring as they are, they make the day seem shorter.  Which means less time at work having to do this:

And thus ends my formal analysis on meetings...as well as the 15 minutes it took me to write this post.  3 more hours to go!

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