Thursday, October 17, 2013

Columbus Day....A Day That Was

Columbus Day is an auspicious day celebrated around the world (slash America...slash minus people on facebook who slander it's very name, and also minus people who don't get that day off.)  So it's celebrated by a very small percentage of people.  But if everybody celebrated it, there would be nothing left to discover in this world.  Because at its heart, Columbus Day is a day of discovery.  Much like in ancient times (Pre discovery of the USA), people would go ask their queen if they could have a boat and go sail over the edge of the ocean, in an almost Japanese honorable death scenario.  So you can understand why Columbus, dressed to the nines in puffy shirts, was all pissed off when his honorable death over the edge of the sea was interrupted by a lush utopia of land which he thusly named, "Awww Shit."  Later this was called America because his Italio-Spanish didn't translate well into English.  Many many years later, it would be changed once again to Murrrica.  But anyways, irritated by this obstacle to his ultimate goal, he decided he would make the most of it.  After killing off all the Indians, that he named because he figured who cares, nobody knows what an Indian really does anyways, he sent word back to the Queen that he had discovered a never before inhabited land filled with trees and Starbucks as far as the eye could.  Which wasn't very far because of the trees.  Excited that he might have the first piece of waterfront property in this new land, he was further dismayed when the Queen wrote back once more saying, "Hold on there buddy...beachfront property belongs to the Royal family."  When it was all said and done, Columbus settled somewhere in central Ohio, which brought him full circle back to wanting to kill himself.  But for the sacrifice he made to live in Ohio, and for perhaps that alone, we celebrate Columbus Day every year in America.

So this week, or this weekend, go out and discover something new!  I mean you have a solid 2 weeks to really get out there and find the thing you didn't even know you were looking for.  Why 2 weeks?  Because after that, the ghost of Columbus comes back to haunt you on the day known as Halloween!

As for me, I discover new things every day!  Its because I have access to this magical monster known as.....The Internet!  From deep within its loins (perv. sentence of the day), I've found tantalizing treasures, and horrifying atrocities.  I'll leave it to you to decide which is which....

Like this interesting take on a person's favorite meal....

Or this website about foods from different states.  I only really like it because it reads like the kind of review I would probably do.  PS - this link is for you Hollins.

 Finding out that this movie is being made...

And Nick Offerman, and Everything He's Involved In.

So that's your Internet Education.  Your Anthropology of the World Wide Web.  You have Discovered...You're a Discoverer now.  You're Columbus.  No go kill some inaccurately named Indians!

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