Tuesday, October 1, 2013

NSA? Please...I'm Part of the FIG (Facebook Intelligence Group)

Yesterday, possibly one of the greatest things to happen in my field of advanced neighbor stalkery was discovered.  A facebook group was created just for the neighbors of Conservatory Green.  What does this mean?  It means, when i want to know who the weirdo is that walks their dog at like 5 AM, I can check the group and probably find out.  Or if I want to know if the hot girl that I saw jogging the other afternoon is married, I can check the group.  If I want to know where everybody is?  you guessed it...Group!  And joining this group has already started paying dividends!  I've already rekindled my almost lost friendship with the couple I was stalking, and have made plans to see them this weekend.  This group has done for me what no amount of walking a friend's dog by their house could ever do.  No amount of curtains can hide your facebook updates from me!  And yes, that is perhaps one of the most Lifetime Movie creeperish things I've ever said on this blog.....

But having access to this group is a double-edged sword.  Because as much as I can learn about others, they can learn just as much about me.  I've already posted on the group how stupid I am about homeownership, asking questions like, "are you still watering your lawns?  should I stop?"

I"m also tempted to use this group as a way of finding all the swingers.  I might post something like,

"Hey!  Any of y'all swingers?  Just wondering....*wink wink*"

or as another friend suggested,

"New to the neighborhood.  Wondering what the swinger code is - fern, rock, or cracked garage door.  Need to know by Thursday.  Thanks."

As hilarious as all of these posts would be of course it would get me in trouble.  People would be all like "Hide yo kids, Hide yo wife, and Hide you husbands, cos there be swingers all up in here"  Being the single, dog-less, beard-less guy living in Stapleton, I'm already the social pariah.  Today, somebody explained Stapleton to me as a place for newlyweds and people who are starting families to move because they need a little more space.  They said it was basically a place to breed.  So I, the single guy in Stapleton, have moved into a breeding ground.  I've been to a horse breeding farm....the images still haunt me.  Add that to the fact that I'm trying to find out who the swingers are and I'm basically a Fox News story about a slow infestation of liberal  trying to break up families and destroy lives.  IT'S BECAUSE OF OBAMACARE!

Speaking of Obama, as many of you know we're in a government shut down scenario.  HOLD ON THIS ISN'T A POLITICAL POST!!!

I was just going to say that while other government agencies might be shut down, I'm still here at work.  Is this because I'm essential?  Hardly.  I can't think of a time in my life where I've been any less essential...career-wise.  In fact the other day I turned in an "accomplishment report" which will be used in my year end review.  Normally this is my chance to talk for pages and pages about how I single handedly saved this organization from crumbling to its' very foundation.  Unfortunately, I've become so bad at my job, which is already so pointless, that I couldn't find a single word to write in favor of what I do.  Despite all the praise I've received from my boss for doing it.  But then, if I'm so non-essential, why am I one of the 10% still working after the shut down?  Sure I could throw around fancy words like non-appropriated and independent, but why play smoke and mirrors?  You all are too smart for that.  You have probably already figured out that there's only one real explanation for all of this.  In fact, I AM essential...because this job is clearly just a cover for my real work....with the CIA.  I'm in such a covert, double black, platinum member, basement level mission, that even I don't know about it.  All I know is, I'm in so deep, that it's taken over every aspect of my life.  Which totally explains my last trip to McDonalds....


That has to be the only explanation....I mean...why else would I still be working in this mundane job after 10 years....right?  RIGHT????

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