Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Today I Give Thanks to Turkeys and Strippers

I was so busy doing absolutely nothing today, that I almost forgot to write a blog post!  But never fear, I am getting one in here, just under the wire.  Today's post is in honor of Thanksgiving.  Like most holidays we celebrate in this world, Thanksgiving owes its origins to the myriad of people escaping religious oppression only to enforce it themselves onto other people.  Somehow the Christians stole this one from us too.  In a nut shell, the story of Thanksgiving goes like this.

So this boat full of people dressed strangely rowed across the ocean to another country.  And since google maps wasn't around, these people still assumed that it was India or something, therefore the people that lived there were Indians.  Thanks a lot Columbus Day!  So these people got to the new land and decided that God would protect them.  If you saw what these jokers wore in honor of God, you'd be like, yeah fellas....jokes on you!  Anyways, so they get to this new country with nothing but a bible and some dreams of greatness, and instead find out that they have to farm and heat and what not by themselves.  They don't have lower class people to do all that for them.  So they proceeded to self assassinate themselves through starvation, frost bite, and general stupidity.  Then some of the native people of the land, who I refuse to call Indians, were like, dude these jokers are fantastic.  But if we don't help them out, they're gonna die and THEN what are we gonna watch for entertainment?  It's gonna be YEARS before they invent a TV!  So these native people came over to the Pilgrims and taught them how to fish, hunt small mammals, and grow corn.  Of course, the Pilgrims tried to learn only the bare minimum of this stuff because they figured they could probably enslave the native people soon enough under the word of God and restore order to their English ways.  Or if nothing else, they could just Youtube it later when they needed to learn it again.  I think that's probably why so many people watch Duck Dynasty.  They are still trying to learn the lessons the Pilgrims never took seriously.  Anyways, so once they learned how to grow stuff and raise animals, they invited the natives over to thank them for saving the last of their kind.  It was at that meal that they struck a fateful deal.  The Pilgrims promised to call all their friends in Europe to come over to learn these new skills, and in return, the native people could construct giant hotel/casinos to house these newcomers, while stealing all their money in a game they seriously convinced white folk was called "Craps."  Seriously!  CRAPS!  Anyways, that's how Thanksgiving started.

Today we laugh at those naive people, who knew nothing of the Renaissance like enlightened state we are all enjoying today.  Only such enlightened people like us could possibly have two turkeys getting National attention because only one of them will receive a presidential pardon.  And oh yes....these turkeys have names.  Popcorn and Caramel.  That's right, in America, we name our national turkeys after strippers.  So here we are, wondering if Popcorn or Caramel will get a short reprieve from death, only to be sent back to a farm where it will probably still be turned into over salted lunch meat, while the other turkey's death will be celebrated while it is feasted on by the First Family.  I don't often say this, but this is probably the one time I could get behind a Fox News story about the White House being bat shit crazy.  But that would be too honest of a story....

So as you go into your blissful food comas tomorrow, just remember, one day America will be voting on your death by cage match...the way the Pilgrims always intended this land to be honored.

Until then, enjoy one of finest movies about Thanksgiving, ever made.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

Thank You For Calling, How May I Hate You Today?

Well it's Thanksgiving week folks, and day 2 of the epic fu manchu.  At this point, I think I've guilted enough people who said they were participating, only to chicken out when they decided they didn't want a fu manchu, to go back and actually shave their faces for the contest.  I's for charity people!  Anyways, I'll save the Turkey Day blog for tomorrow, because today I'd like to tell you a little something about what I do for a living.  For those of you that don't know, I basically work at a call center for the most ridiculous company in the world.  The Government.  It's a shame too, because I feel like I spent my whole life trying to avoid typical Indian stereotypes of becoming a doctor or engineer, only to become a customer service call center employee.  How's that for irony?  What's worse, is that my customers are not average Joe's who just want to understand what the usury tax on their Verizon bill means.  No, my callers are 75 year old bankers who want to know if I'll approve an application they haven't filed yet.  Because apparently I'm a pre-cog.

See minutes 1:05-1:15

Today I've been inundated with these calls.  Here's how a few of these convos went:

Fool:  Hi.  Review this document and tell me if it's ok.
Me:  Ok...send it to me in an email....
Fool:  *sends email*
Me:  Uh, there's no document attached to this email
(The Next Day)
Fool:  I'm waiting for you to tell me if that document was ok or not.....
Me:  Uh...what document.  I told you I never got one.
Fool:  I sent it!!
Me:  No.  You did not.
Fool:  Oh ok, I'll send it then.


And then there was the hour and a half conference call I just got out of that went like this:

Room Full of Jokers:  So we are proposing this transaction, but instead of talking about it, we'd like to give you the history of our bank since it's inception in 1985.
Me:  OK.......
Me in My Mind:  Yeah...inception is right....because i've fallen asleep already, and am dreaming about falling asleep and dreaming.  Brain Five!
Room Full of Jokers: (an hour later):  So that's why we think we're awesome
Me:  OK........
Me in My Mind:  I hate you so much.  Moreover, I hate myself for having listened to you this long without telling you that you are cracktards.  All I want to do right now is tell you all to never call me again, reassess my life, drop the mic and peace out to HH.  At 11 AM.....
Room Full of Jokers:  So what do you guys think about this proposal?
Me:  Um...well...there are some high hurdles that you'd have to cross there....
Me in My Mind:  DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!!!!!!!!!!

So this is my life now.  I've reach the pinnacle of my career here at this agency, as a typical Indian call center employee with good benefits.  Just think, I could have been an engineer, drawing stuff with math....and what not...  Yes, that's correct that I don't know what an engineer does.  Don't tell my dad or my brother.  I couldn't care less about what that job is.  Unless it's driving a train.  In that case, tell me everything.

In Conclusion, this is me today.

Monday, November 25, 2013

I Got That Reindeer Like Swagger

On Friday night, Stapleton hosted their Winter Welcome party.  This annual celebration to welcome the start of the Christmas shopping season is a fun filled family event where adult and child get to marvel together at the wondrous sights, sounds and smells of the season.  With the tree lit, the streets lined with merry revelers, and children cooking smores like this was camp, it truly brightened the mood and dare I say brought the Christmas spirit to one and all.

At least that's what they want you think.  That's what I'm sure the Stapleton newspaper will be saying about the event.  But beauty, they say is in the eye of the beholder.  This is the scene that I walked into, on that fateful Friday night.

"As we entered the encampment, the first thing I noticed was the stench.  The stench of burning pine filled my nostrils as families huddled around makeshift fires cooking what little food they were able to scavange from the nearby tents.  A zealous church group had gathered several tents together and were preaching the word of god while placating the scared masses with peppermint hot chocolate.  I tried some, but as the film of nestle's oldest dried on my tongue, I wondered what other nefarious chemicals were in the cup.  Once proud people lined the streets in disguise....some hiding the shame by blending into the background dressed as trees.  Hordes of chanting maniacs roamed the barricaded streets, dressed in their Victorian robes.  Some in the group were rumored to have been driven to such madness, that they were dressed as princesses from fairy tales.  To know that some had gone so far from the sanity of even the Christmas holiday would have been a hard pill to swallow....but I saw a lot that night that I never thought I would have seen.  The children who were victims of IEGs (improvised explosive glitter) ran madly through the streets searching for their families.  Shelter's had been constructed for lost dogs, once the proud pets of the Stapleton scene.  In one darkened area of our history, people had set up reindeer cage matches, with human bait to incense their primal urges, as pictured below.  It truly was the worst of times, and dare I say, the spirit of America was lost that day."

Well that was fun to write!  In other news, I went to a party Saturday night that was like 90% volleyball players.  This means they were all 8 feet tall and were name dropping local volleyball legends.  It was some of the best material one could want if they were writing an early 90s volleyball comedy, which after the party I've decided I must write.  The conversations I overheard incorporated all of the following classic cheesy comedy themes:

1.  Story of the underdog team that becomes champions
2.  The player who arrested before the big match (although this time it was for attempted murder....)
3.  A guy who swears Yeti's exist
4.  A guy who spent the whole movie eating twizzlers (this was me at the party)
5.  A girl who spent the whole party making what she described as "unicorn noises"
6.  An end of the night dubstep dance party, which exhibited some of the most winning moves I've ever seen.

The name of the movie is going to be, "National Lampoon's:  Volley-BALLS"

Lastly, the great facial hair challenge has finally come to a close.  After all $3,027 worth of votes were tallied, the Fu Manchu won by a landslide.  This means, the often complimented sexy Colorado look I had been tailoring for a month turned from this:

To the even SEXIER this:

Fact:  After this picture was taken, I arrested 3 innocent people and wrecked my motorcycle.  And probably had a relationship with my trailer.

Friday, November 22, 2013


So I think at this point, we're all pretty familiar with the idea of planking, or Tebowing, or even Owling.  All these things are typically done on twitstagram for the sole purpose of joining a larger group of fools who form the community of the internet.  It's amazing how much of this stuff is plastered on the internet if you just bother looking for it.  Or Watch E!.  Or have friends who are younger than 22.  Wow I actually wrote that as 23, and then changed it.  Like it made a difference. 

Anyways, on a radio podcast this morning I heard reference to something called Doubtfiring.  But Denver Omlette, you ask, isn't that just the act of casting doubt into people's arguments and shattering their belief systems?  No fool, that's the Daily Show.  Doubtfiring, made popular by the 1993 Blockbuster, involved shoving your face into a pie and then looking at the camera and shouting out a shrill, "Hellllloooooo!"  Can't picture it? 

Check this out...

Wow....right?  So that got me thinking, what other iconic movie from the 90's has turned into an idiotic thing to do on the internet?  I scoured the web for ideas, and here's a few potential things we might start seeing in the near future.

How about Shawshanking?

Here's a morbid about Sixth Sensing?

"I see dead people..."

Here's a good one...Titanicing!

Last one.......Silence of the Lambsing?

Ok that one was least I didn't go with Schindler's Listing!  Hey how nevermind.

Anyways, just a preview of what your peers out there are probably going to make.  Remember these are the people that will be on the jury when you commit a crime one day.  Think about that.  I think that's the best natural deterrant to a life of crime if ever there was one.

Lastly, let us not forget the best of all internet picture themes.  The great Fist Pump Friday, which both celebrates and mocks us for working on this, the end of the week.  But we take it in stride, and make the most of it.  For the rest of this week, let's all just try and be like this guy, who has perfected the art of internet foolery to the tee.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Fade In....

Sitting on the bus on my way home.  Listened to music/podcasts all day at work so don't feel like putting in the ear buds on the way home.  Leaves my ear holes open to the pollution of conversations around me.  This has proven to be interesting since in the last few days  I've heard things like, "Dude I watched the knitting channel for like 45 minutes....", and "This is gonna sound crazy, but...I'm almost 30!"  I thought it sounded perfectly reasonable, but I guess I didn't have the context of that convo....

Fade Out....

Fade In....

People are loving this beard.  Too bad I hate it.  It's too ever-present on my face.  My face is like, "you weren't there a month ago, and I'll be damned if you think you're sticking around much longer buddy."  Well said, face.  Thank god I get to shave it soon.  Here's a current picture.  Even if I did like it, I'll have to shave it to something hideous next week for this work related facial hair challenge.  Don't worry, a pic will definately be posted.  Best compliments I've received came from my old lady friend at Project Angel Heart who calls me sexy now.  I'll take what I can get.  My fave comment came from Liam who just started feeling up my face one day and said, "this is weird."  I agree Liam.  That WAS weird.

Not good at taking selfies.

Fade Out....

Fade In....

My friend was telling me today about a car accident she was in this week.  Her description of the person that hit her (it was a hit and run) is epic.
"One thing was kind of funny about the accident though-- the guy was driving a huge pick up truck and had a weird metal turkey on it. He started backing up to try to move into another lane (we were stopped at a light) and the turkey hit my car. The first thing I thought (other than, WTH?) was "Happy Thanksgiving to me!" Basically, this guy epitomized redneck. I mean, who decorates their vehicles with seasonally appropriate (hideous) metal sculptures and never mind the casual tossing of racial epithets!"
 Quite the turkey indeed!

Fade Out....

Fade In....

No matter how much I try, I'll never reach the end of the internet.  They just keep making great new stuff!  Yesterday I posted a link to a really cool interactive music video for a Bob Dylan song on Facebook.  It was made using Treehouse software which is probably something cool if I looked into more than what I just wrote.  Anyways, it's a fun way to waste time.

I found this hilarious video today.  The premise is that Jimmy Kimmel and Mario Batali stop random people on the street, go to their house and cook for them.  There's nothing about this video that I don't find magical.

Fade Out.....

Fade In.....

Twitter is still the most popular social media site right?  All the cool people haven't left yet have they, because I feel like I only just now got on it.  Once i'm comfortable with it, people will all leave to like Pheed, or Path, or Plonk, or Phooey or something else that I won't learn about for 10 years.  Also, how do I Reddit?

Fade Out....

Fade In....

HAIM's The Wire is a great song.  A really great song.  You know what's not a great song?  Everything ELSE that plays on my radio.

Fade Out.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

I Live Tweet Movie Reviews in 140 Characters or MORE

Have any of you seen the #rooftopbreakup tweets from comedian Kyle Ayers?  If not you should check them out.  The premise is he was on the roof of his building when a couple started loudly fighting and breaking up.  He decided to live tweet the whole affair.  Sure sure, you think, "that's so wrong to put somebody's private fight out on twitter for the world to laugh at!"  But I say, they put it out there first by ignoring the respectable personal space of other people on a shared rooftop.  If they were willing to put on a show for a small test demographic of roof-toppers, they should be happy to see how much traction this movie is getting already!

Now THAT'S a movie I could get behind.  Sure I hate live tweeting when there's no context, but I could get behind a movie where the dialogue is just live tweeting other people's conversations.  Heck, even Don Cheadle could be believable in that role!  (Maybe...)  I got the idea from that Justin Timberlake-Jimmy Fallon sketch, but I hope the movie would be less tryin' to be hipster cool by acting not cool and making fun of what's "cool", which is really just the new cool.  Anyways, if you have twitter check out the live tweets from @KyleAyers.

Speaking of movies, I've been promising to review several movies that I've seen recently.  Just so you know, these will all have plot spoilers, but to be fair, these are all independent movies that almost none of you will probably see anyways.  I love independent films.  Not because I think they are so much better than your Avengers and other blockbusters.  Those have their charms.  But I like the raw, lo-fi production of an indie film.  Mostly I love that they never feel like they have to explain a complex plot point to you by inserting dialogue that explains what you should know at this point.  In that way, you could watch the same indie movie four or five times and come to different conclusions every time.  It's all up for interpretation, but not in the obvious we don't want to tell you way that faux indie movies like Blair Witch Project try to do.  Ok, done talking about my love/hate relationship with Big Studio.

Anyways, here's my review of a couple movies I've watched recently...

The Way Way Back

This Jim Rash / Nat Faxon written and directed coming of age comedy is about an awkward boy who summers with his mom at her boyfriend's beach house.  The first line in the movie, based on an actual conversation Jim Rash had when he was a boy with his step dad sets the tone for the emotional state the main character is in during the movie.  It's delivered by Steve Carrell, who plays an amazing antagonist.  A complete dick, without having to do strange voices (take that Jim Carrey!)  The question Carrell's character asks our young hero is how he sees himself on a scale of 1-10.  Carrell then goes on to say he sees the young boy as a 3.  The kid, who questions his self worth, and goes on to question his ability to interact with people at all comes to find a group of older lovable misfits at a local water park and befriends them, as well as local people who are at the waterpark.  Now here's my one beef with the movie.  The movie wants us to believe that everybody puts this kid up on hero-like status after he does an awkward break dance routine prompted by a group of other kids at the park.  The whole scene was strange, and clearly meant to be a turning point for his relationship with other people.  But in reality, this kid would have been beat up or laughed at until he peed himself, and found a week later behind a dumpster having OD'd on pain killers.  But that's reality, and this is a movie, so we'll forgive that fast forward in the storyline.  The movie was decent and I like that it didn't get into any major speeches.  Nor were we expected to learn something.  In the end  the movie was about this kid's relationship with his mom, and how he viewed himself.  I give it 3 out of 5 gold stars.

The Kings of Summer

This was another coming of age flick.  I don't know what it is about indie movies and how they seem to be able to tell such a good story through the perspective of a 15 year old.  Either that or that's the time my emotional development stopped, so I just seem to relate better to these movies.  This movie starred Nick Offerman, Megan Mullaly and Alison Brie as supporting cast members to some kid who isn't famous.  So this not so famous kid decides he hates his dad and people telling him what to do, so he and a couple friends decide to runaway and build a house in the woods and live there forever.  They do whatever they want like, play prairie dogs, eat boston market every night, and invite over girls they're in love with that fall in love with their best friend who also lives there, and upon discovery, turn inward upon themselves in a very unhealthy way, until the threat of a snake bite brings all factions back together in a thrilling ending.  You know, regular teenage problems.  This movie was fantastic on several levels...The comedic repartee of Offerman and Mullaly is as good as it ever is.  God, how awesome would be it to live in their house?  The plot itself is great.  There is no hero gets the girl.  It's about as honest as it gets, and how they deal with it is just true to life, while still being whimsical and full of life.  But perhaps the best part of the whole movie comes from an angry exchange between Offerman and a food delivery over the price of the food.  The delivery guy is played by the always hilarious on twitter actor, Kumail Nanjani.  One weird thing I noticed in the movie is how many scenes there are in the movie with Alison Brie where the camera just lingered on her for awhile.  Not for any reason related to the plot.  I'm guessing the director, like me, just finds her hot and decided to take some long wistful glances her way.  Anyways, I'm not complaining....cos she's hot.


Monday, November 18, 2013

The Who's Who of Nincompoops

Did you know that the phrase "Non Compos Mentis" is Latin for "Not of Sound Mind", and the origins of the word nincompoop?  Fact.  I know it's for that kind of helpful knowledge that you scour the internet for blogs such as mine, in hopes to be better learned and cultured.  That's all the real knowledge I have for you today.

As far as culture, the best I can offer is to tell you about my trip to the Clyfford Stills Museum on Friday.  I headed out there for an event called diStilled Craft.  Based on the name, and absolutely no other research whatsoever, I assumed this was either a craft beer or distillery event.  It was not.  In fact, after leaving two hours into the event, I am still wondering what exactly they whey promoting, or fundraising...or culturing....Here is how the event went.  Maybe you have a better take on what the event was for after you hear all of it.

1.  Enter event.  Have awkward exchange with the person checking people in and giving drink tickets.  Ask what it's all about.  Get no answer in return, which in retrospective could be an allegory for life.  Or not....I'm listening to Kanye right now, and according to him, everything is an allegory for life, or for why he's awesome, or why haterz ain't nuthin'.

2.  Gravitate naturally to first food / drink table.  Acquire some sort of vegan fig and kimchee and 35623 other ingredient mini sandwich.  It tasted like ingredients 2236-5673.  Also acquire some sort of gin iced tea drink.

3.  Pretend to look around at people, while really scouting the room for the next food table.  Find it hidden in a corner.  This table has no alcohol, but is serving a pancake the size of my thumb and some sort of cauliflour peach soup that looked like the mop bucket after a porn shoot.

4.  Acquire second drink to wash away the taint of the soup....and the taint.

5.  Go upstairs to check out the museum.  I don't know a lot about Clyfford Stills.  I assume he was really clumsy, since all of his abstract artwork looks like he accidentally spilled paint all over it.  Some of it was kind of cool I guess, but there were a few later works, where it looked like he was just using some left over paint cans, for what little he actually did on the canvas.  There was one painting that appeared to be a christmas present for his wife.  I bet she really wanted a vacuum that year, and that's what she got.  The thing was the size of a garage.  I bet she was so pissed.

6.  Came upon a workshop facilitated by Fancy Tiger (a combination of two amazing concepts, but really just a fabric store).  Learned how to make a felt mushroom, which just involves stabbing fabric with a lethally sharp needle.  Made friends with the lady who claimed she had first aid materials in her know...just in case.  My mushroom came out pretty awesome.

7.  Came downstairs to the second craft station.  This time it involved construction paper, magazines and safety scissors.  After my initial thought to send somebody a cryptic ransom note, I instead made this equally creepy "art."  NOW IN 3D!!

 8.  Left museum having learned nothing, but will probably be able to identify some of the culture I picked up at my next doctor's appointment.

What else happened that night?  Oh yeah, I was asked to officiate my friend's wedding!  I said yes of course.  This will be wedding #3 for me.  After this one, I think I'm going to branch out into other occasions where a swarthy speaker is needed.  I'll put the fun back in funeral!  The rad back in Graduations! The "Oh Jesus Effing Christ!" back into christenings!  This time, I'm a legit priest according to the certificate I have from the Universal Life Church Ministries.  I bet you guys didn't know how unequivocally multi-talented I am!  I truly am the who's who of who's who magazines.

Thursday, November 14, 2013

The Boss of All Blog Posts

Yesterday my boss asked if I wanted to sit in a conference call presentation that was being given by the former speechwriter for Al Gore, on "Selling Yourself", which PS - was not a business presentation on least I don't think it was...I missed the first two minutes.

Anyways, when I say he asked if I wanted to sit in, the convo went like this:

Boss:  Are you going to sit in on today's presentation?
Me: didn't sound all that interesting.....
Boss:  I think it would be REALLY good....these presentations are VERY interesting....
Me:  Oh....uh...yeah, maybe I'll check it out.

So yeah...I went.  When I went inside the conference room, my boss wasn't even there.  Apparently he was getting training on how to wear a hard hat and shiny vest and carry a rape whistle when there's a fire drill in 3 months.

So this presentation was beyond stupid.  After listening to this guy talk for roughly 5 minutes, it became quite clear why Al Gore was never considered a great orator.  (Don't look that up...I assume since I wrote it you'll just believe me.)  Also, not once during the entire speech did he explain how he got Al Gore to tell people he invented the internet.  I mean talk about selling an idea!  So basically it was a giant waste of time that ate up an hour before lunch. 

Speaking of lunch, today after lunch (smoothest segue ever!) they are having a live auction to raise funds for our Combined Federal Campaign, which is a big charity drive that the Gov. does every year.  The majority of the items donated are crap, like a homemade cigar box.  The ringer is a 3 night stay in one of the big boss's mountain lodges.  But the reason I'm going, is to see what kind of whack-a-doo bids on stuff like a baby bib with our agency's logo printed on it.  Or, being boss for a day, (with zero boss powers.)  The best thing though, are a pair of handmade boomerangs.  I'm not sure what use a boomerang has in this day and age.  And by age, I mean anybody over the age of 6.  That was the last time I owned a boomerang, purchased from the Museum of Science and Industry in Florida.  I think I got three good throws out of that boomerang until it landed on the roof of our house.  My parents, who never wanted me to have such a "dangerous" toy, told me it was impossible to get it off the roof....ever.  They also told such lies when i won a skateboard from a walk-a-thon.  They said they ran it over with their car because I had left it out on the driveway.  I found it in the attic like 10 years later.  They also hated a Homie the Clown t-shirt I got for my 9th birthday.  I found that thrown behind the washing machine when I was 16.  I think it's all a testament to my investigative (read:  stalker) personality now that my parents were so sneaky back then.  Anyways, what was I talking about?

I don't remember.  But my boss (word of the day apparently) did just make his 3rd round around the office, so I know have a good 30 minutes of uninterrupted CCS time before he makes another round.  Here's hoping I can finally beat level 125!

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Back and Better Than ( Slash Just as Mediocre As) Ever!

When I first started at my job, we had to take this Myers-Briggs Personality Test to determine what kind of person we were.  Sure, it all sounds very Fahrenheit 451 of my agency, but I suppose it was meant to determine what kind of learning style we were best suited for, or how we would mesh with other members of our training team.  I don't recall what I was now...I think it was something like Extrovert, Sensory, Provactive, Considerably Psychotic....or something like that.  Well as I am sitting here eating my post-lunch halloween leftovers, I'm realize that there is a much better test for us to determine what kind of person we are.  I call it the Starburst Presents:  What's Your Flavornality Test.

Without divulging what the results of this test mean (primarily because I'm making it up as fast as I can type it, rank your preference of Starbust flavors from best to worst.  Keep in mind that if you say something like tropical melon, then you are NO friend of mine.  Mine rankings are Pink, Orange, Yellow and Red.  It's highly controversial I know.  I think the real travesty here is that there is no purple flavor.  (Now you can see where the considerablly psychotic fits in....)

What's the point of all of this?  Why, there IS NO POINT!  This was just a way to ease you back into the eccentric world I live in, filled with ranked flavors, and nonsensical rambling.  As you know, I've been away for twelve long days, out living a life of luxury in our nation's capital.  But now I'm back, with tales of glory to regale you with from my long journey away from you, my three faithful readers.  I just realized that two of you were on this journey with me, so I guess I better keep it honest.  Anyways, rather than a long post about everything I did, I'll keep it to the highlights (something I learned about in my training last week), and give you the Top 10 List of Things that Happened to Me Or That I Experienced Over the Last 12 Days.  (Clearly, coming up with better Top 10 List names was not one of those things...)

In no particular order....

1.    Successfully made people think I know about Interest Rate Risk by talking for 3 days about Quiznos sandwiches.  The lesson in this is anytime you have to give a presentation, talk about food.  People will be so distracted thinking about lunch they'll just clap for the mere chance of getting to it quicker.

2.  Rock scrambled for the first time.  Went on a hike on the Maryland side of the Billy Goat Trail, aptly named after the rocky terrain and vertical climb that only a billy goat should be able to do.  Somehow I survived...which I feel I say after every hike I've ever done.  After the hardest part of the hike, I may or may not have breyed like a mighty....goat.

3.  Found out that there are people in other agencies that just as crazy as the people in mine.  Including the guy who will talk forever given a platform to do so, the lady who repeats everything that other people say and pretends it's original, and the person who hates life so much, it exudes from every pore of their body.  In my head i called this last person, Frumpy Smurf.

4.  Experienced substantial beard growth.  I'm growing a beard as part of a facial hair challenge through work.  All participants are supposed to grow their beards until the week of Thanksgiving.  Then, people will vote on what style of beard they want people to trim to, and we will all wear it for the 3 days leading up to Thanksgiving.  I'm personally hoping we get a fu manchu, but I shall follow the will of the people.

5.  Maple Bacon Biscuits.  No explanation necessary.

6.  Getting other people addicted to Candy Crush Saga.  I consider this a personal victory.  It does have some bitterness to it though, as my mom told me yesterday that she beat the level I've been stuck on for a month. 

7.  Getting published in the Stapleton Blog.  This is not that big of an accomplishment since they asked me to write the whole article anyways.  But its out there.  You know I'm not happy with it, so you can find it yourself if you want.  I'm definitely not telling you!

8.  The string of great indie movies I've watched recently.  I love indie films for their lack of production and more human element.  You can relate to almost every thing that's happening in them.  For some reason I've seen a lot of "coming of age" time indie comedies that make me wonder if there's some deeper psychological meaning there.  I'm choosing to say no.  Anyways, I'll review the ones I've seen so far in another post.

9.  Finding out the damages to my car from that car accident a few weeks ago are now double what the original estimate was.  This is actually a good thing.  I'm hoping that the total damages will cause the insurance company to call it a total loss and just pay me out.  Then I can buy the Subaru Forester I've got my eye on, thus completing my transformation into a true Coloradan.  It does set a weird precedent that I only seem to buy cars after my last one was completely demolished.  I've walked away unscathed every single time.

10.  Finally, during my training last week, I made a cool new friend!  She works for another agency in Atlanta, and can quote lines from the office like it's nobody's business.  Plus she said the best quote of the whole week during our class, which was, "I might talk like a hick, but inside I'm Shakespeare!"

I just realized that this top 10 list was longer than some of my long rambling posts.  Ah well, hope you made it to the end!  As I end today's post, let us reflect on the short Autumn, which led to an early winter this year.  The air is crisp, and the defoliation has occurred prematurely.  Grab your coats and scarves, and hunker down for what will surely be, the coldest winter of all. 

Dark, am I right??!