Monday, November 25, 2013

I Got That Reindeer Like Swagger

On Friday night, Stapleton hosted their Winter Welcome party.  This annual celebration to welcome the start of the Christmas shopping season is a fun filled family event where adult and child get to marvel together at the wondrous sights, sounds and smells of the season.  With the tree lit, the streets lined with merry revelers, and children cooking smores like this was camp, it truly brightened the mood and dare I say brought the Christmas spirit to one and all.

At least that's what they want you think.  That's what I'm sure the Stapleton newspaper will be saying about the event.  But beauty, they say is in the eye of the beholder.  This is the scene that I walked into, on that fateful Friday night.

"As we entered the encampment, the first thing I noticed was the stench.  The stench of burning pine filled my nostrils as families huddled around makeshift fires cooking what little food they were able to scavange from the nearby tents.  A zealous church group had gathered several tents together and were preaching the word of god while placating the scared masses with peppermint hot chocolate.  I tried some, but as the film of nestle's oldest dried on my tongue, I wondered what other nefarious chemicals were in the cup.  Once proud people lined the streets in disguise....some hiding the shame by blending into the background dressed as trees.  Hordes of chanting maniacs roamed the barricaded streets, dressed in their Victorian robes.  Some in the group were rumored to have been driven to such madness, that they were dressed as princesses from fairy tales.  To know that some had gone so far from the sanity of even the Christmas holiday would have been a hard pill to swallow....but I saw a lot that night that I never thought I would have seen.  The children who were victims of IEGs (improvised explosive glitter) ran madly through the streets searching for their families.  Shelter's had been constructed for lost dogs, once the proud pets of the Stapleton scene.  In one darkened area of our history, people had set up reindeer cage matches, with human bait to incense their primal urges, as pictured below.  It truly was the worst of times, and dare I say, the spirit of America was lost that day."



Well that was fun to write!  In other news, I went to a party Saturday night that was like 90% volleyball players.  This means they were all 8 feet tall and were name dropping local volleyball legends.  It was some of the best material one could want if they were writing an early 90s volleyball comedy, which after the party I've decided I must write.  The conversations I overheard incorporated all of the following classic cheesy comedy themes:

1.  Story of the underdog team that becomes champions
2.  The player who arrested before the big match (although this time it was for attempted murder....)
3.  A guy who swears Yeti's exist
4.  A guy who spent the whole movie eating twizzlers (this was me at the party)
5.  A girl who spent the whole party making what she described as "unicorn noises"
6.  An end of the night dubstep dance party, which exhibited some of the most winning moves I've ever seen.

The name of the movie is going to be, "National Lampoon's:  Volley-BALLS"

Lastly, the great facial hair challenge has finally come to a close.  After all $3,027 worth of votes were tallied, the Fu Manchu won by a landslide.  This means, the often complimented sexy Colorado look I had been tailoring for a month turned from this:






To the even SEXIER this:





Fact:  After this picture was taken, I arrested 3 innocent people and wrecked my motorcycle.  And probably had a relationship with whiskey.....in my trailer.

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