Monday, November 18, 2013

The Who's Who of Nincompoops

Did you know that the phrase "Non Compos Mentis" is Latin for "Not of Sound Mind", and the origins of the word nincompoop?  Fact.  I know it's for that kind of helpful knowledge that you scour the internet for blogs such as mine, in hopes to be better learned and cultured.  That's all the real knowledge I have for you today.

As far as culture, the best I can offer is to tell you about my trip to the Clyfford Stills Museum on Friday.  I headed out there for an event called diStilled Craft.  Based on the name, and absolutely no other research whatsoever, I assumed this was either a craft beer or distillery event.  It was not.  In fact, after leaving two hours into the event, I am still wondering what exactly they whey promoting, or fundraising...or culturing....Here is how the event went.  Maybe you have a better take on what the event was for after you hear all of it.

1.  Enter event.  Have awkward exchange with the person checking people in and giving drink tickets.  Ask what it's all about.  Get no answer in return, which in retrospective could be an allegory for life.  Or not....I'm listening to Kanye right now, and according to him, everything is an allegory for life, or for why he's awesome, or why haterz ain't nuthin'.

2.  Gravitate naturally to first food / drink table.  Acquire some sort of vegan fig and kimchee and 35623 other ingredient mini sandwich.  It tasted like ingredients 2236-5673.  Also acquire some sort of gin iced tea drink.

3.  Pretend to look around at people, while really scouting the room for the next food table.  Find it hidden in a corner.  This table has no alcohol, but is serving a pancake the size of my thumb and some sort of cauliflour peach soup that looked like the mop bucket after a porn shoot.

4.  Acquire second drink to wash away the taint of the soup....and the taint.

5.  Go upstairs to check out the museum.  I don't know a lot about Clyfford Stills.  I assume he was really clumsy, since all of his abstract artwork looks like he accidentally spilled paint all over it.  Some of it was kind of cool I guess, but there were a few later works, where it looked like he was just using some left over paint cans, for what little he actually did on the canvas.  There was one painting that appeared to be a christmas present for his wife.  I bet she really wanted a vacuum that year, and that's what she got.  The thing was the size of a garage.  I bet she was so pissed.

6.  Came upon a workshop facilitated by Fancy Tiger (a combination of two amazing concepts, but really just a fabric store).  Learned how to make a felt mushroom, which just involves stabbing fabric with a lethally sharp needle.  Made friends with the lady who claimed she had first aid materials in her know...just in case.  My mushroom came out pretty awesome.

7.  Came downstairs to the second craft station.  This time it involved construction paper, magazines and safety scissors.  After my initial thought to send somebody a cryptic ransom note, I instead made this equally creepy "art."  NOW IN 3D!!

 8.  Left museum having learned nothing, but will probably be able to identify some of the culture I picked up at my next doctor's appointment.

What else happened that night?  Oh yeah, I was asked to officiate my friend's wedding!  I said yes of course.  This will be wedding #3 for me.  After this one, I think I'm going to branch out into other occasions where a swarthy speaker is needed.  I'll put the fun back in funeral!  The rad back in Graduations! The "Oh Jesus Effing Christ!" back into christenings!  This time, I'm a legit priest according to the certificate I have from the Universal Life Church Ministries.  I bet you guys didn't know how unequivocally multi-talented I am!  I truly am the who's who of who's who magazines.

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