Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Today I Give Thanks to Turkeys and Strippers

I was so busy doing absolutely nothing today, that I almost forgot to write a blog post!  But never fear, I am getting one in here, just under the wire.  Today's post is in honor of Thanksgiving.  Like most holidays we celebrate in this world, Thanksgiving owes its origins to the myriad of people escaping religious oppression only to enforce it themselves onto other people.  Somehow the Christians stole this one from us too.  In a nut shell, the story of Thanksgiving goes like this.

So this boat full of people dressed strangely rowed across the ocean to another country.  And since google maps wasn't around, these people still assumed that it was India or something, therefore the people that lived there were Indians.  Thanks a lot Columbus Day!  So these people got to the new land and decided that God would protect them.  If you saw what these jokers wore in honor of God, you'd be like, yeah fellas....jokes on you!  Anyways, so they get to this new country with nothing but a bible and some dreams of greatness, and instead find out that they have to farm and heat and what not by themselves.  They don't have lower class people to do all that for them.  So they proceeded to self assassinate themselves through starvation, frost bite, and general stupidity.  Then some of the native people of the land, who I refuse to call Indians, were like, dude these jokers are fantastic.  But if we don't help them out, they're gonna die and THEN what are we gonna watch for entertainment?  It's gonna be YEARS before they invent a TV!  So these native people came over to the Pilgrims and taught them how to fish, hunt small mammals, and grow corn.  Of course, the Pilgrims tried to learn only the bare minimum of this stuff because they figured they could probably enslave the native people soon enough under the word of God and restore order to their English ways.  Or if nothing else, they could just Youtube it later when they needed to learn it again.  I think that's probably why so many people watch Duck Dynasty.  They are still trying to learn the lessons the Pilgrims never took seriously.  Anyways, so once they learned how to grow stuff and raise animals, they invited the natives over to thank them for saving the last of their kind.  It was at that meal that they struck a fateful deal.  The Pilgrims promised to call all their friends in Europe to come over to learn these new skills, and in return, the native people could construct giant hotel/casinos to house these newcomers, while stealing all their money in a game they seriously convinced white folk was called "Craps."  Seriously!  CRAPS!  Anyways, that's how Thanksgiving started.

Today we laugh at those naive people, who knew nothing of the Renaissance like enlightened state we are all enjoying today.  Only such enlightened people like us could possibly have two turkeys getting National attention because only one of them will receive a presidential pardon.  And oh yes....these turkeys have names.  Popcorn and Caramel.  That's right, in America, we name our national turkeys after strippers.  So here we are, wondering if Popcorn or Caramel will get a short reprieve from death, only to be sent back to a farm where it will probably still be turned into over salted lunch meat, while the other turkey's death will be celebrated while it is feasted on by the First Family.  I don't often say this, but this is probably the one time I could get behind a Fox News story about the White House being bat shit crazy.  But that would be too honest of a story....

So as you go into your blissful food comas tomorrow, just remember, one day America will be voting on your death by cage match...the way the Pilgrims always intended this land to be honored.

Until then, enjoy one of finest movies about Thanksgiving, ever made.

Happy Thanksgiving!

No comments:

Post a Comment