Tuesday, December 3, 2013

End Period Of Period Days Period

In the movie The Day After Tomorrow (aka The Day Before Two Days From Now, aka The Day a Week From Last Monday), that one actor who always plays a has been something in every movie is the father of Jake Gylenhaal, played by Jake Gyllenhall.  Also how the hell do you spell his last name?  Anyways, the Has Been guy is a scientist who discovers that the ice caps are melting because of aerosol spray cans, and tries to tell Dick Cheney about it, who promptly tries to shoot him in a hunting accident.  Then the movie gets weird because instead of people melting due to the oppressive heat, the Earth sends hurricanes of freeze ray like stuff into the Northern Hemisphere and kills off a bunch of people including the Queen of England.  I wonder what the point of that was.  It didn't add much shock value here in the US....I mean we figured the freezicane did what time was going to do in the next couple years anyways.  But Jake G was stuck in an old library, that was apparently built with insulation well beyond it's years since the freezicanes couldn't penetrate the building.  I mean CGI wolves could get into a freaking Navy aircraft carrier, but wind couldn't get into a hundred year old building.  Go figure.  At the end of the movie, everybody moves to Mexico, because Dick Cheney made them.  In the unmade sequel, A Few Days After A Different Day, all the Mexicans were sent back to the Northern Hemisphere to find dead bodies, and then were racistly called organ pickers.

But if that movie taught me anything, it's that several days of consistently frigid temperatures truly are the End of Days.  I mean.....this:


That is the weather for this week here in Denver.  It's expected to start snowing some time in the afternoon, and then heavier snow all throughout tomorrow.  Thursday's low was upgraded from -12 to -7, so i guess I can shed one of the 17 layers I was planning on wearing that day.  Sure some of you reading this are like, "oh I'm from such and such place where there snow builds up 60 feet before we start caring about it."  Well good for you crazy face!  I hope you get buried in it!  No I don't.  This is my fear of imminent death talking.

In case that's not enough to put the fear in you, here's some other events that have happened recently to prove that it truly is the End of Days.

- Paul Walker died, meaning bad weather would be coming Fast and Furious.  (Too soon?  eh, who cares.)

- Somebody beat Alabama, meaning the South will rise again and start lynching people of all races soon enough.

- Delta cancelled an entire flight this holiday weekend, just to transport the UF men's basketball team to their next game.  Seriously, hundreds of people booted off a flight to accomodate 35 collegiates.  PS - they lost.

- The fact that MTV is still making The Real World.  This time, everybody's ex will move in to the house mid season.....yeah, that's a plot twist.  Do they not realize everybody will BE each other's exes by that point in the season too?

- The fact that all the real news I get is from Twitter.  Meaning I know about Justin Bieber, racism (thanks Gawker!) and that Paul Walker is dead.

- That sometimes raising awareness for men's health issues....turns into this.  Nightmares.....

- Miley Cyrus, and her giant digital cat army.

But all is not lost.  There is light at the end of this frozen tunnel.  There are good things happening in the world.  Things that might just get us through Christmas and into 2014.  I mean...there's a Pope who actually seems like a decent guy.  Who'd have thought we'd have another one of those in our lifetime?  And there's an internet video of a squirrel fainting.  I bet that's cool, right?  I haven't watched it but people seem to think it's great.  Finally, If we all make it through the harsh realities of December, and finish our Christmas shopping early, we can all relax, have martinis and watch classic movies like....End of Days.

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