Tuesday, December 17, 2013
$h!t My Parents Say - A New Book Written By Shia LaBeouf
With a high of 61 degrees and sunny today, it's easy to forget that just a couple weeks ago we had one of the worst freezes in Colorado's recorded history. (I have not verified, nor even researched this fact. If it turns out to be false, I'll copy and paste Shia LeBeouf's apology letter.) But this warm and pleasant pre Christmas week weather is a good transition as I prepare to make the annual Christmas trek to Florida next week. And like many of the pioneers who carved out this great land before me, I'll probably die of dysentery along the way.
As a preview of my much too long 2 week trip to Florida, my parents came to visit me over the weekend. This was their first time here since I moved, and the first I've seen them since I visited back in August. One thing you need to know about my parents. They are certifiably, without a doubt, bat shit crazy. Oh sure, everybody says that about their parents, but I bet you all don't keep a running log of proof! Luckily for you, that's exactly what I did.
When we were first pulling up towards my neighborhood, my mom was asking about local places to eat. She looks across the street and says, "Oooh, do you ever go to that restaurant over there? What's it called....Fridays?" It was a TGI Fridays.
4 AM apparently seemed to be an appropriate time to wake up for my mom, and start rearranging my kitchen.
Finally, when driving home from dinner, my mom says, "I don't really like rap music." Nobody had been talking before that statement. Also, we were listening to Neil Young.
My dad was telling my mom something about NORAD. She asked what that was. He said, "It's the North American Defense System." He had inadvertantly just spelled out NADS.
Throughout the weekend, my dad talked about his last trip to Denver. He was convinced that there was an amazing Indian restaurant downtown that I had to go to. He said "if we find the Holiday Inn downtown, then I know we'll find the restaurant. He brought this up about 10 times just on the first day. So the second morning, we drive downtown if for nothing else than to shut him up about this hotel, and we find the Holiday Inn. As we pull up to he says, "Oh....you know, I think I actually stayed at the Sheraton." Oh, and this trip he took to Denver? It was in 1989.
Throughout the weekend, whenever we drove ANYWHERE, my dad would tell my mom at least 10x, "Look! Look at the mountains!!" Yes. In Denver. Where the mountains are literally all around us. As if they would up and move somewhere else overnight.
Finally, my dad has this knack for unsolicited explanations of the simplest, most basic things. I'm talking things like what is a lawn sprinkler, why there are coat hooks in a restaurant, and the latest one from the weekend, why a restaurant has both inner and outer doors. These are real things that have been described at great lengths to me....because apparently I'm incredibly ignorant. Or an alien. In which case, he'd be the perfect person to introduce my species to Earth.
So yes, it's a miracle I didn't headbutt anybody or anything this weekend. I wonder how I'll survive the two weeks at home. But, this weekend was not all frustration and fury. We did see some cool stuff, like....
How candy gets made....
The obligatory trip to Red Rocks....
How to plan a trip to the Denver Mint and the Art Museum around days when they are closed.
Not pictured...because everything was usually closed the day we went.
And the Blossoms of Light at the Denver Botanical Gardens.
So with that, I again start to wonder how exactly I will make it through two whole weeks with these insane people. Mostly, I'll try to stay reasonably drunk, and have an exit strategy for whenever my dad starts explaining to me how water comes out of the faucet. Or what is a faucet. Or what is water......
Posted by AS