Thursday, December 12, 2013

It's Pronounced, "Fo-ty"

Yesterday I talked a lot about the wondrous things that keep happening every day.  I won't keep on it too much more, but seriously, did you guys hear about the sign language interpreter at Nelson Mandela's funeral?  Apparently he wasn't an actual interpreter, nor did he actually know sign language.  He just waved his arms around and figured nobody would know?  What do people in South Africa think sign language is?  A stop sign?  A yield sign?  Pointing at a McDonalds menu??  Then yesterday, after the news harpies harped all over this story, the man decided to really save face by saying that he was having a schizophrenic episode during the ceremony.  And the company that hired this dude?  DISAPPEARED off the face of the Earth.  It's so crazy, and I love it!  I mean, this was such an easily avoidable prank...if only by a 2 minute vetting of the company or the interpreter prior to putting him on INTERNATIONAL television.  WONDER!

Ok, enough of that.

So Christmas is just around the corner, and I know you guys are all wondering what to get the Denver Omlette in your life who has everything.  Well if you know anything about anything, you know that the best gift you could possible get me is an Ellipti-Go.  This is the greatest, most ridiculous thing ever created.  But of course, they are expensive, and I know a lot of you are on tight budgets what with the...uh...economy...and all.  Thanks Obama!  So for those of you that aren't able to drop that kind of Ellipti-Go like money, I found the next best thing to fulfill my exercise while being idiotic dreams.

I give you....The Desk Cycle!

Too often are we idly sitting at our desk toiling mindlessly through the internet hallways.  And while our fingers are getting a great workout doing pushups on the mouse and dead lifts on the keyboard, our legs just hang out below, atrophying away.  But no longer!  Now, with the Desk Cycle, you can be business up top, and pre scandal Lance Armstrong below!  When your boss comes in and says, "working hard or hardly working?" you can honestly tell him you're working hard, at building the biggest quads seen since the last Mr. Universe contest.  And sure, you'll look like a whacko when you get up to use the bathroom, and your legs know no other way of walking but in circular motion, just think about the next time you need to rent a B-Cycle with some visiting friends, and you speed off miles ahead of them in 10 seconds flat!  The possibilities are endless!

Finally, I'd like to end this week (because this IS the end of my work week BOOM!) with a discussion on the difference between an exaggeration and a lie.  This was something I was trying to explain to a 5 year old last weekend, and I couldn't figure out how to do it in plain terms.  So like everything else I write about, let me hash it out here for you folks, and see if we can't come to some good definitions.  While we all know that a lie is simply the act of stating something that is not true, an exaggeration is harder to explain (without opening up  I think the best way to describe it is, taking a comment that is true, and blowing it up so big that people can't help but be interested in it.  I blame television.  TV has taught us that rather than describe things in such detail that you can literally visualize the thing a person is talking about, it's easier to just make a blanket statement and let the audience fill in the blanks.  For example, I could tell you that Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly made a comment that both Jesus and Santa were both white and that it is a verifiable fact.  It's a FACT that she said that.  But I'd rather say, Fox News Anchor Megyn Kelly's comments about Jesus and Santa being verifiably white is the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard come out of any vapid talking face ever in the nation.  This might be an exaggeration, because there's a good chance that the very next thing to come out of that talking face will be even worse.  However, it does make you think of the most ridiculous thing YOU'VE ever heard, and automatically put this on top of that.  That's just how the brain works my friend.

All of this of course, was a misdirect, because the real point of talking about exaggerations is so you know that I understand the definition, and can therefore tell you that this is NO exaggeration when I say that the following Conan remote with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart is the single funniest thing I've ever seen in my whole life in the universe of things.  Please and Thank You.

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