Monday, December 2, 2013

R.I.P. Paul Walker - You Truly were an Actor in Movies That I Never Saw

It was a month before Christmas,
and on the TV
shows were stopping mid-season
For no reason if you ask me

All the great shows,
like The Walking Dead,
would be put out to pasture
until the year ahead

And what would replace
our prime time lineups?
Christmas Carols and Santa Claus,
And other holiday time sucks.

So as you go home this evening,
to shows less than par
I hope that you are privileged
to a full DVR.

- T.S. Eliot

Well this was quite the fun filled, alcohol fueled, poultry fowled weekend.  One big lesson I learned this weekend.  Drinking heavily 4 days in a row with little sleep in between is ok when you're 23.  Not when you're 32.  When you're 32, you are allowed one night of drunken revelry, followed by 72 hours of of groaning on the couch and making tea.  If you break these rules, your body will proceed to shut down at the end of the weekend as if it was giving up entirely.  This is what happened to me, and I continue to suffer through this complete disengagement of my organs today.  But to understand that, you need to know how I got to this stage.  My weekend highlights are as follows.


Went to my neighbor's house for thanksgiving.  Arrived at 2 PM.  Was drunk at 2:45 PM.  Continued drinking until 10:30 PM.  During the course of the day:

- Met a married couple who proceeded to discuss all the different blow job bets they make each other constantly.

- Met a guy who seemed to be trying to seduce every girl at the party.  I think I might have been seduced at one point....hard to tell.... I drank a LOT.

- After several glasses of wine, whiskey and champagne, accompanied by some food, we proceeded to play several games.

- We played cranium, which involved me being awesome at cranium, which I always am, and another guy who kept referring to the rules every time he didn't win.  Oh and that's when the whole losers have to take shots of fireball rule started.

- Played catchphrase, which involved passing some SIMON like machine like a hot potato around a circle until it buzzed on you and you drank shots of Fireball.  That was my first time playing so I assume that was rules.

- Tried playing apples to apples, but luckily everybody realized how much that game sucks butt, so it ended quickly.  At this point a couple guys left to go get solo cups for the next game, while I stayed back and witnessed some extremely strange, drunken behavior from the hostess of the party.  I won't go into details, but suffice to say, she probably remembers nothing.

- The last game of the night was called Scud.  In this game, you drink massive quantities of shitty beer while knocking over other people's cups of beer all over the hardwood table and floors.  The host's job is to try and not freak the eff out that his house is literally being ruined by shitty beer while trying to paper towel the entire floor.  Again, it was my first time playing, so if there was a different point to this game, we didn't know it.

After this game ended, I made my exit and walked the whole 3 houses down to mine.


After a night of excessive drinking of everything imaginable, the best thing you can do is wake up early and make breakfast for your friends, their 5 year old son, and then spend the day hanging Christmas lights on your house......right?  Hope so, because that's what I did!  I woke up that morning to a text message from some friends who were on their way over.  After whipping up some waffles, we went out, got a tree and Christmas'd the hell out of my house.  We spent over an hour just getting the lights up on the front of the house.  And by we, I mean my friend, who did all the work for me.  His son helped by removing all the mulch from the flower beds in front of my house....which I swept back in later.

Later that evening, some other friends came over, we made some fried rice, played ping pong, drank too much wine, and got into a debate about female equality and strip clubs.  I don't know who won the debate, especially because I was arguing both sides.


Finally deciding that I should at least start my Christmas shopping, I went to the mall by my house looking for some inspiration.  After 2 hours, I left with a new sweater and a pair of jeans....for me.  I then went to the Sugar Plum Bazaar, a local artist / craftsman / load of crap event held at some big mansion in Denver every year.  My friend I was meeting there warned me that this would be an estrogen filled event, and she was not wrong.  Luckily for me, I always feel out of place wherever I am, so this was not as overwhelming as it could have been.  And I even found some cool christmas gifts for my niece out of it.

Afterwards, I went to another friend's house to help them paint their dining room.  I don't really remember what happened after that, since I'm fairly sure I passed out from the fumes.  I'm told that we finished the room, drank too many egg nog martinis, and then rushed to a movie theater across town to see the 2nd Hunger Games Movie.  I'm also told it was good, and that I found it to be much closer to how I imagined the book. 


Finally, with my body enraged at how I spent the last three days, I thought I would take it easy from the booze and have a nice calm day, christening our new "green" in the neighborhood.  With an outdoor day planned by one of the neighbors, I trekked it out there in the cold to meet some new neighbors.  Unfortunately, I also brought a bottle of whiskey with me, and didn't realize how much of it I was drinking until I got home that evening.  But whilst I was there, I met some interesting people.  One of my neighbors told me he and his wife wanted to set me up with somebody.....weird.  I met another guy who's been labeled the "Conservative" of Conservatory Green.  This fine fellow showed his true douche colors by demanding some of my whiskey, then proceeding to call me a "mom" because I brought stuff to the park in a tote bag, and then demanding to know why I would dare move to Stapleton if I was single.  So great that he's going to be my neighbor!  He also told me that I would be hosting a poker night for him.  I said sure, but in my mind I was assuming that involved me jamming a hot poker into his eyes repeatedly.  Unfortunately, I didn't meet anybody new that didn't have children, so my circle of people I would even think about hanging out with ever remains as small as ever.

After I got home from the park, my body finally decided that enough was enough.  I went into complete everything failure, and sit here in what is probably my last 24 hours on this Earth.  All I ask of you friends, is that you remember me fondly.  When I've gone, if you would just replace all the R.I.P. Paul Walker memes with R.I.P. Denver Omlette, I'd really appreciate it.  I mean I would if I could actually read your messages to me on Facebook after I've already died.  And then if you could also tweet and instragram the same things you Facebooked, so that's there's no way I can missing your touching generic tribute, that would be tops.  Thanks Guys!  Good luck with the rest of your life!

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