Friday, January 31, 2014

Happy Chinese New Year! (This Post Has Nothing to Do With That)

After a couple days of sunshine and clear skies, Denver was hit with another winter storm last night.  Winter Storm Maximus dumped almost 2 feet of snow up in the mountains, but by the time it rolled through Denver, we got maybe 3 inches of snow in most of the city.  And by most of the city, I mean my house because I don't do research.  I didn't even know winter storms had names, like hurricanes.  I just thought they were called things like Snowmagaeddon, Frostpocalypse and Blizz ard with a vengeance.  (see what I did there?)

But roll through it did.  Thanks to some warmer evening temperatures, the snow didn't really start accumulating till much later than predicted, meaning much less to shovel this morning.  I have to give props to my HOA for hiring such a stellar shoveling crew though.  I saw those guys start working around 4:30 AM this morning, during what was my 17th trip to the bathroom because I have an old man's bladder. 

The drawback to having persistent wet roads last night was that when it did finally dip down in temperatures, all that wetness turned to ice, turned to walking death trap this morning.  Thankfully I didn't drive in to work today, considering how much my car was sliding just getting to the bus stop.  The sloppy mess I'll be driving in later today on my way home from the bus stop will be nothing short of terrifying I'm sure.

But it's ok.  The snow is needed, I'm told.  Denver's water supply is almost wholly provided for by glacial runoff from the mountains.  So the kind of snow dump we got yesterday in the mountains is probalby necessary.  Not to mention this is the same storm that rolled through drought-plagued California.  Not that I feel bad for those jerks.  They probably leave the faucets on in Beverly Hills because turning faucets off is a blue collar job.

But enough complaining!  Time to snap out of it!

This weekend is the Super Bowl!  This weekend the Broncos and Seahawks will face each other in an epic faceoff which we can only hope results in somebody's face actually being ripped off.  Everybody keeps telling me, "Man, Denver must be going crazy right now."  I have to admit, I haven't seen a lot of evidence of that.  Now if it had snowed orange and blue last night, I'd say THAT was crazy.  Or if somebody released a herd of actual horses wearing football helmets, THAT would be crazy.  Or....or.....I don't know.  I'm sure downtown will be crazy on Sunday.  One great thing about not living downtown anymore is that I don't have to walk through blocks of broken glass and vomit on my way to work anymore.  I"m sure the streets will be littered with it on Monday morning, regardless of the outcome of the game!

But today is Friday, and that means Fist Pumps are in favor.  So here's wishing everybody a very happy Fist Pump Friday and Go Broncos!

Thursday, January 30, 2014

The Internet: It's Not Just for Dating 80 Year Old Perverts Anymore!

Last night, I drove down to Colorado Springs with some friends, to see Aziz "Tom Haverford" Ansari do stand up.  Last night was the first night of his new tour, where he talks about all the trials and tribulations of dating in the modern world.  Needless to say, he was hysterical.  Probably the best stand up show I've ever been to in my life.  Probably my favorite part of the show was his interactions with people in the audience.  At one point, some lady let him go through her text message conversations with some new guy she met, just so he could tell us how effed up trying to date people nowadays is.  It was nothing short of spectacular.  Here's a crappy picture he fake posed for before telling us to put our goddamn phones away.

Please excuse the crappy quality of the picture.  I blame the lighting.  In this picture, he seriously is posing as if he was telling a joke.  Mastermind.

The unfortunate thing about going to see a comic perform in Colorado Springs when you live in Denver, is the hour and a half drive back afterwards, which gets you home around midnight.  The bus schedule has no sympathy for your bedtime, and I still had to get up at 5:30 AM today in order to come to work.  So in my current state of tiredness, and lack of motivation to do much else, I have spent the greater majority of today surfing the many marvels and wondrous....wonders, of the World Wide Web. 

And it is quite wondrous.  The internet is like an ocean.  The constantly changing tides bring fresh new content to my fingertips every day, and just like the ocean, there are people trolling around acting weird and mining for money (or bitcoins.)  But if you can rake through the muck, there is a treasure trove of entertainment there to behold.  Take for example,  That site is amazing!

But enough bragging.  Here's some stuff I found online today that is more important than anything you're doing in your life.

1.  First there was the cronut.  People lined up for hours and paid black market prices of  600% face value in order to get one.  Then Denver was like, oh yeah well we're going to make that but call it a Puffy Nut because we don't actually want to sell one ever!  But now, the good people of Chicago have stepped up to the plate, proving that if you're going to make something delicious and heart stopping, it's gonna come from Chicago dammit.  Meet, the Doughscuit.  It's 50% Donut,  50% Buscuit, 100% Emergency Room.

2.  If that last one didn't get you breathing heavy, check out this strange not really a commercial behind the scenes Newcastle sort of commercial.....thing.....with Anna Kendrick!  I don't get it, but I LIKE it!

3.  So if that doesn't restore your faith that the internet isn't just all pornography, here's another great tid bit for you.  I once thought the best job in the world would be the guy who picks music to play at a clothing store when people are staring at a sweater.  In my mind this guy works in a sterile white room, deprived of any sound, with pretense pumping in through the air vents.  He walks around a sweater and after 45 minutes of knowingly wasting time, yells out, "KATY PERRY'S ROAR!!!"  Then he goes home and gets drunk  cos his job is effing BOSS.  But then I found something even better!  There are physicist out there in America, right now, who's job it is, TO FIND TIME TRAVELERS.  No Joke.  That is seriously the most awesome job on mother flippin' planet!  But wait, how do they do it?  By searching facebook and twitter!  God knows, I do that all day long!  I could have been searching for time travelers this whole time!

4.  Finally, I'd like to end today's internet search with you vomiting at your desk and falling down.  I'm talking of course about giving you Vertigo!  Check out these awesome photos from Hong Kong.  I don't recommend moving here if you need space, or don't like vomiting and falling down.  Now if you love legos and the potential for mass deaths due to even a minimal natural disaster, get you to China!

Well that's it for today's internetting.  I've just got back from eating a hefty bowl of ramen noodle soup, and now I am going to lean back and take a short nap until it's time to go home.  It's supposed to snow tonight, but so far we've been spared.  I'm hoping it can last just a few more hours so I'm at least on the bus before it starts.  Anyways, good night!

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

I Lick Your Boom Boom Now...Unless There's a Quarter In It.

Today's temperatures in Denver should reach a sunny 53 degrees, melting much of what little snow we got on Monday.  In that sense, and as I've mentioned before, we are lucky our here in the western praire, where snow fall has been infrequent this winter, and weekend weather has been sunny and downright pleasant.  While much of the midwest is generally jealous of our weather, nobody told them to live in Minnesota, so shut up about it.  I won't say the same to my friends in the South, who put up with so much humidity, pollution and racism all for the sake of having year round warmth and winter bragging rights.  But now, the South is covered in a blanket of snow.  With significant accumulation in the Carolinas, and people sleeping in CVS's all across Atlanta, traffic at a standstill in Birmingham, and New Orleans making up words like Sneauxmageddon, it's clear that our weather is out of whack in this country. 

Of course on twitter that means 612342134166 people stopped believing in Global Warming, which is the most poorly labeled term for a phenomenon since the very difficult to spell quickly word, phenomenon.  That's why politicians and scientists changed the term to "Climate Change" recently.  I don't understand it fully either, but at least there are people out there that do.  Here's an article from Slate that explains why the New Orleans is colder than southern Alaska right now.  It basically has something to do with jet streams and oscillators and the other really easy to understand, in no way confusing concepts that are understood by only a handful of people.

I'm surprised nobody's coined the phrase, "Informer-pocalypse"  (See what I did there?)

Despite the wrath of weather cast down on the deep south, I couldn't seem to muster enough sympathy to read about it for more than 5 minutes during my morning internet channel surfing.  I mean this, that article I linked was in the middle of a chain of articles that start with "Mindful Eating Habits to Keep You On Your Diet" and ended with "Three Ways to Hide Booze When You Shouldn't Be Drinking Booze."

If that doesn't say something significant about me, I don't know what does.

In PAH related news, yesterday at volunteering my 65 year old friend who usually says some crazy, unfiltered stuff, said some crazy, unfiltered stuff.  In a conversation that started with how she once saw Toby Keith at a bar in Nashville, ended with her telling me about a bar game that she claims is common, called Plopping.

Plopping.  It's as bad as it sounds.

She described the game where you put a shot glass on the floor, and then hold a quarter between your "cheeks" and try to drop it into the shot glass.  I immediately screamed out, "WAIT WHAT!??!?!" and then, much to my friend's embarassment, poll the entire kitchen to see if anybody else had heard of this absurd game.  Of course, nobody else had.  And before I answer your two questions you inevitably have on this game, I have to tell you that she said one time a friend of her's was playing it and actually broke the shot glass.  What kind of force would be needed to expel a quarter from your butt into a shot glass that would shatter it?!  It's horrifying to think about.  Think about it.  Horrifying.

But to answer your questions, NO, nobody had to drink out of the shot glass afterwards, and YES, it is played over the jeans.  Pervert.

PS - I googled plopping this morning and couldn't find any description of this game, further cementing my belief that this lady is insane (I still love her though.)  I did see a rather terrible definition on urban dictionary which I don't think I'll explain here.  But you can only imagine, since every definition of everything on urban dictionary is terrible.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

I Wish Fred Loya Would be Collectively Bitten By a Shark

In my ongoing saga with Fred Loya Insurance Fraud Company, it’s now come down to whether or not the butthead feeding information to the idiot I have to speak with every damn day on the phone can read a simple note on an invoice.

After reading these facts, what do you think they mean?

11-8:  Original Part received. 
11-9:  Install started.  Part found defective.
11-20:  Replacement part received.

Would you think, the body shop sat around for 12 days before they reordered the part and therefore it’s not the insurance company’s fault or responsibility to pay for the extra days for my  rental car?

Or would you think, as CLEARLY stated numerous times on the invoice and timeline created by the body shop that the replacement part was RECEIVED on the 20th?  It’s so goddamn sad that I even have to say this to the ass hat of an insurance claims processer,

“Ma’am, I don’t know what your appraiser is telling you the body shop told him, but I have it in writing what they said.  So just cover the last 6 days and let’s get this over with!”

Now it’s back under review for the umpteenth time, which means I will have to call obsessively for the next 3 days to get a hold of Chuckles the Clown ever again.

But the story doesn’t end there.  Chuckles calls me back (after she realizes I have her cornered finally) and all of a sudden says, oh it’s not those dates we are concerned with (contrary to her exact words in the prior conversation.)  It’s that they didn’t know it was defective until much later.


How do you know a part’s not going to fit, until the car is brought in to the shop and work starts on it?!

I asked that question, to which she came back, finally with her ducks in a row, with all kinds of other new information in a very official email (the first time she actually emailed me, after I called her out for basically not ever following through and working for such a shady organization) that I hadn’t seen before.  So now I have this bullet point list all of a sudden of why they aren’t going to approve the rental for the additional days, a fact that I didn’t even know WERE additional days until a month after I returned it, AND I have to respond to all this new, never before provided reasons on why they won’t cover the car.

Well Ms. Claudia Martinez, I think you’re the worst.  And I’ll just have to work through the proper channels at the Department of Insurance here in Colorado to seek restitution, otherwise I’m stuck with $175 in rental car expenses that I never for a moment during this ridiculous process thought would be MY responsibility.  Awesome.

On a lighter note, I further confirmed my lack of manliness this morning when I read this article on Gawker.  The gist of it is:  Man is out scuba diving, gets bit by humongous shark, pulls out knife and stabs shark until it gets scared of man,  swims to shore, STITCHES HIMSELF UP, and gets a beer.  Don't believe it's true?  Well he's from New Zealand so.... yeah.  check out the comments too.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Is Lack of Discernable Skills a Disability?

One of the many truths in life is that if you're an Asian that's good at math, you probably don't know your way around a hammer to save your life.  It's just the old book smart vs street smart vs HGTV smart.  Sure, there are a few geniuses out there who can also build mechanical wonders, but these people are most likely terrorists.  Also, I'm fairly certain just writing that word on this blog has made me a target of investigation by the NSA.  IT'S JUST A BLOG GUYS!  RE-FREAKIN-LAX!  But despite my upbringing, it's both surprising and extremely disenfranchising to note that I am NOT good at math, and STILL don't really know my way around a hammer.  Oh sure, I can hang a ceiling fan, work an allen wrench like nobody's business and even understand IKEA directions, but major projects scare the living crap out of me.  I mean, I tried to secure a floor length mirror to a wall, which is why i had to cover up 23 extra holes I made.  It took me over an hour to hand up a small curtain, which by the way is just shy of actually covering the length of the window.  After 3 attempts at measuring the required length to hang a blind up at my parent's house, we now have a crooked blind.  That's me.  That's who I am.

So you can see why, then, I've been going back and forth with the idea of installing my own flagstone patio into my yard.  The high cost of the project after getting a few estimates makes the idea of DIY attractive.  Not to mention, I can always use the manly points that building something with tools and grit give you.  But then I remember all the holes in the wall, and imagine a day where I'm out sipping lemonade on a warm summer day on my patio, when I get up to literally stop and smell the roses, but trip over an uneven, poorly secured flagstone, fall and crack my skull on a jagged edge, and lay bleeding.  But I don't die from the wound.  No that would be too simple.  The excess blood caves in the foundation of the house, which has slowly been degrading due to poor workmanship on the patio which led all the excess moisture from previous snow fall under the foundation and loosened the house from the sandy Colorado soil.  The house caves in on me, I get crushed, die of infection in the hospital, and worst of all, my house warranty is void.  So then, $3000 doesn't seem all that bad anymore.  But the debate still continues.

Today while researching the internet for some how-to's on the patio, I ran into this gem of a blog.  This man, who is so much funnier than I am, is the only honest person on the web when it comes to the trials and tribulations of amateur DIY projects.   I know that sounds ironic, but let's face it, 90% of us can't really do anything that TV tells us we can.  Here's how the author of the Telling Dad blog sees the professional's "how-to's" on doing a patio project:

Step 1: Excavate the earth to a depth of seven inches where you plan on building your flagstone patio. The dirt is light as cotton and easily disposed of. This step should take you nine minutes. If you take breaks.
Step 2: Everything will be naturally perfectly level without any need for additional digging or tamping. Roll out some landscaping tarp and shovel in 3 inches worth of crushed stone for a base. Slam a hand tamper down with the strength of Thor to compact the gravel. You can also rent a machine tamper if you’d rather be able to use your arms the next morning.
Step 3: Once the stone is firmly tamped (three hours if by hand, twelve minutes by machine), add another 2 inches of crushed stone and repeat the tamping process. This dual-method of stone tamping is to ensure you never want to build another flagstone patio for as long as you live.
Step 4: Shovel in 1-2 inches of coarse sand and, yep, you guessed it, tamp the ground again. If tamping correctly, you should be uttering expletives with every downward thrust.
Step 5: Set the flagstone pieces in the sand until finished. Every piece will be perfectly shaped and assemble like a puzzle made for toddlers. Sweep some joint sand in the grooves between the stones and enjoy your new flagstone patio with a day to spare!

Clearly, these are lies.  To see how his project really went, check out the post here.  

This has convinced me that this is not the project I should take on to test my merit as a man.  I should probably start with something smaller, like, hanging a picture straight, or measuring a window.  PS - Hanging a curtain is not just a recurring thing that I once did that I keep bringing up because of the trauma it caused me.  It's an ongoing thing that will probably be on the list for all eternity.  There are just that many windows in my goddamn house.

In other non-house related news, my search for the perfect dog continues.  Last week I heard back from one rescue saying that a dog I've applied for is available.  I'm hoping that I will be able to meet this dog this weekend, but nothing has been set up for sure yet.  I'm still not sure if I'm more scared that I won't get the dog, or that I will.

Finally, yesterday I went to find out what kind of deal the Central Park Regional Recreactional Center (it's a gym, folks) could cut me on an annual membership.  When I start wheezing going up one flight of stairs, it's a clear sign that I need to get back to the gym.  Also, how can I ever reasonably purchase an Ellipti-Go if I am not already a master of it's stationary cousin?  Also, how can I reasonably purchase an Ellipti-Go?  The gym is fairly reasonably priced, but that still didn't stop me from trying every angle to get a discount on my membership.  What kind of gym doesn't give you a discount for paying up front instead of month to month?  Even with a contract, that seems like it would be the more attractive option for them.  Then the lady in charge of membership did a weird thing.  She said, "well you COULD apply for a disability membership (it's about $150 less for the year!).  We're not allowed to ask what your disability is." 

I left the gym that morning membership-free.  But only because I think it would have been weird for me to say, oh yeah...disability...let's get me some of that deal!  I's a huge savings, and she basically told me I should do it right?  Is this bad karma?!  I don't know.  I'm scared.  What should I do?!  Maybe when I go to sign up I'll walk in with a limp.  Maybe they won't recognize me.  I could try to act like Edward Norton in that one movie where he faked a disability in order to get screwed over by Robert DeNiro in that art heist (oops....Spoiler Alert!)  But I feel like that would not go over well.  Or I could just be like, I'd like to sign up for a membership, and I have a disability.  and if you ask me about it, I'll sue you!  Or I could just suck it up and pay $30 a month for a membership.  Or I could not join a gym and watch even MORE TV.  There's really no wrong answer here.  None.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Dear Motorola: Suck It

One of the best things about living in Denver is easily the weather.  You might see some irony in that statement (or maybe just think it's a bummer) that I'm saying that the day after we got 2-3 inches of snow overnight, and it's peaking at about 20 degrees outside today, but hear me out.  Considering that a Nor'easter just blew through the Nor'east a few days ago, dumping some 15 inches of snow on parts of New Jersey (although not being able to see New Jersey is an improvement), or that this morning the wind chill in Omaha was -27 degrees.  MINUS TWENTY SEVEN DEGREES!!!, there is some perspective to be had on the mild Denver winters.  It was 62 degrees on Sunday.  It will be 61 degrees this Saturday.  So as long as we continue to have some wonderfully warm, sunny weekends, what do I care about a few wintery days whilst at work? 

In fact, knowing it had snowed overnight motivated me this morning to do a quick 10 minute shovel session of my driveway.  That coupled with some strong coffee on the bus ride to work has proven to be the best morning wake up routine I've ever had.  Of course, there are disadvantages to being that awake on the bus in the morning.  Mainly, you're too keenly aware of all the people on the bus with you, and life gets a little bit scarier.

But despite these advantages as I'm calling them, there is a distinct disadvantage to our winters here.  That is, walking downtown in any kind of shoe, will be the most frightening experience of your life.  Just walking to lunch today, I almost slipped and ate it hard on the sidewalk like 4 different times.  And this is WITH the sidewalks having been shoveled and salted.  Mostly this occurred on the roads, where the constant burn of tires over the snow while it was still freezing outside caused the dry fluffy snow to pack in and freeze into walking death brigades, trying to claim your life at every intersection.  But today was a pho kind of day and not even hazardous road conditions would stop me from the three block walk to noodle nirvana. 

In my satisfied daze, I decided that today would finally be the day that I go out and get myself an Iphone.  That's right folks, after years of complaining about my current POS, I decided to join the herd and get myself the "Phone of Tomorrow."  That's what I imagine they call it at Epcot.  And just in case you're like, "whatever dude, you didn't get an probably bought the 99 cent flip phone."  I'd like to say to this person, I was this close to doing that.  A flip phone would never die on me every three hours.  Nor would the heat of the screen burn my ears.  But no, here's some proof for you.  This is one of the last discovered pictures from my old phone, circa 2014:

And what's the first thing I did with this new phone, you ask?  I added an emoji keyboard so I can send texts that include rocket ships, soccer balls, chicken and seemingly racist Indian guys.  Because let's face the end, THIS is the reason we all flock to the same phone.  Not for any real purpose of texting, calling, googling, or whatever other functions we claim we wanted a smart phone for.  It's so we can play candy crush, have our texts show up in blue talking bubbles, and send silly emoji's to our friends. The silliness is but a front for what we really want:  a sense of belonging.  This is the community we long for.  And to those of you still on android phones, or worse, that Windows phone that like 6 people have, let me ask you something.  Is it worth it?  In the end, what will they write on your grave stone? 

 "Here lies what's their face.  They died in a car crash, because it took too long for them to send a text to their friends, who never got it because they have IPhones.  They leave behind a legacy of behind the timesedness, and a boatload of debt because Verizon still won't let them off their contract.  The family won't even receive any money because the person who hit them has Fred Loya insurance, who claims car accidents aren't covered in their car insurance policy.  A call was made to the Agent for clarification, but their voicemail says that they don't exist.  In the end, what's their name will be remembered for one thing, and that thing is...."

Sorry, they ran out of grave stone space.

Finally, as a final goodbye to my old piece of crap Bionic, here are some of the more interesting photos I lifted off of it before it retired into obscurity as my mobile alarm clock.  Enjoy!

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Wanted: One Morgan Freeman Voiceover

In the violent world of Big Horn Sheep, the mating ritual begins with male sheep running full force into each other in an attempt to win over females with a show of strength.  This is not unlike the male fraternity brother, who also tries such asinine things like chest bumping and beer chugging in an attempt to win over a mate.  Other animals also exhibit such behaviors seen as clearly in the human world.  For example, the twelve wired bird of paradise gently caresses his potential mate with a dozen stiff feather shafts protruding from his lower torso (calm down ladies...), causing quite a sensation in the female birds feather region (see what I did there?)  The sea hare, a kind of sea slug, is a hermaphrodite that sometimes mates in chains, with the middle sea hare acting as both the male and female.  This kind of behavior is seen quite often in Stapleton, where swinger parties run rampant (even if I've yet to see one.)  And for hermaphroditic flatworms, they engage in penis fighting (no seirously...penis fighting), until one manages to pierce the other's skin and inseminate it.  I think that last one is also how most of the aforementioned frat bros figure out they're gay, but that's pure speculation.

My point to all of this is, if even the simplest of animals has figured out a time tested mating ritual, that emulates human behavior, and prolongs their species into time eternal, why is it that I'm still over here perfecting my game (read:  becoming ever more the creeper) and miserably failing?

At PAH last night, I met a cute girl who's a new volunteer.  The beginning of the year is always a fun time because people come in to volunteer  to fulfill New Year's resolutions and generally to be better people.  This will typically last until around March or April when I assume WAKA kickball starts up again and they would rather spend their time getting drunk and playing sports than chopping onions.  Anyways, the Denver Omlette school of courtship teaches the three P's when it comes to picking up a girl:  Patience, Passive Aggression, and Prosecution.  For example, movies have taught us that the guy gets the girl by making a surprising, confidence-filled first move that she will remember and cause her to fall in love with him.  This is BS.  Rather than bullying your way into this person's vision, my method is to play the long game.  The first meeting is a casual hello, and then group conversations that never require any more than slight eye contact.  This is to confuse the person and make yourself not stand out in the surface of their mind.

Subsequent meetings are for evidence gathering.  You slowly learn more and more about the person without ever asking deep, probing questions.  Or, you let other people ask those questions and just keep an ear open for the answers.  But remember, you must be subtle....this is a mental game.  The only thing separating you and a major creeper right now is the lack of pen and note pad during this time.  Eventually, years and years later, you decide that this person is the one, and you've been slowly building hatred against any other potential suitors along the way, you build this person up way too much in your mind, to an ideal they could never live up to, and then you bother checking facebook to find out that they are already in a relationship. 

You might think that this methodology is flawed.  You might be right.  But, I feel like if it's honed and perfected, it will some how be a breakthrough in science, like curing cancer, or talking to an alien.  But if you think my process is defective, I've researched several other flashier methodologies that might have a higher success rate.  Here's one I found from a lifelong student of love:

I usually stay in Step 1 for 1-2 years.

Hopefully, with the tools you've acquired today, you two can find yourself penis fighting into a lasting relationship in no time at all!

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

I'm Just Impressed MLK Could REMEMBER His Dream When He Woke Up

In the movie, Away We Go, John Krasinski and Maya Rudolph play probably the greatest couple of all time, looking for a place to rest their feet and where they can raise a child together, happily.  In order to do that, they travel across the continent by plane, train and automobile to the far reaches of North America, hoping that the comforts and closeness of friends, family and mere acquaintances will provide them with the strength that they ultimately find within themselves.  The poignant story, character development, and amazing soundtrack by Alexi Murdoch make this one of my favorite movies ever.  Every time I watch it, it evokes a feeling of hopefulness and peace.  One thing I didn't think it evoked was outright sobbing.  Which is why I questioned whether this was the right movie to watch on my friend's last day of a spectacular weekend visit.  I suppose no visit to Hotel Denver Omlette is complete without a good cry.

But the weekend was not all tears, or if it was, it was probably a result of the endless laughter the many fantastical events that happened this weekend created.  Allow me to divulge.

On Friday, my friend, who I'll refer to from now on as K-Peezy, (she's a famous rapper in Atlanta) and I went one of the best brunch restaurants in Denver.  Lucile's Creole Cafe is a New Orleans style restaurant that is known for two things.  It's amazingly huge biscuits and the typically long waits in the Summer.  Luckily, with this summer like weather we had over the weekend, and going on what should have been a work day (slash, I barely work), the wait was cut to nothing.  We proceeded to try to self-assassinate ourselves through a diabetic-inducing intake of carbs, sugar, and alcohol.  I call that combination, "Dream Death."  Since we some how survived the assassination attempt, we decided to make good with our lives and re-purpose our mission to be healthy.  But we faced many obstacles.  First, at the peak of Red Rocks Amphitheatre, watching people do ungodly acts of exercise, while we were loudly panting just to get up the steps.  If Esther was anywhere near, she'd have told us we "Needed some watah, cos we're already pantin'!"  Then, at the steps of Mt. Saint Crimini or whatever place we were at, where the Russian in the track suit told us in the thickest of Russian KGB accents, "You must be very feeeet to climb to the top."  Clearly he was casting all kinds of judgement at us, which was later proved to be accurate as I did not make it to the top.  Although that was more a result of ice covered steps and slick shoes than a lack of ability!  But perhaps the biggest deterrant to our new perspective came from a group of young gentlemen we met at the top of Lookout Mountain, by the grave site of Buffalo Bill.  The exchange happened between some dude-bro's in a car at the top of lookout mountain, while we were peering over the edge nearby.

Warning:  The following conversation is not suitable for the intelligent.

Dude-Bro (from his car):  "Yo! How's the View????"
K-Peezy:  It's Good!
Dude-Bro (getting out of his car with all his other dude-bros):  What's over there?!
Me: can see Coors Brewery from here....
Dude-Bro:  Aww Fuck!  Coors sucks!!! (not the reaction i was expecting...)
K-Peezy:  Where y'all from?
Dude-Bro:  I'm from California, some guys are from Texas....ugh's complicated  (did not seem that complicated....)  Where are you guys from?
K-Peezy:  He's local, and I'm from Alabama
Dude-Bro:  Oh shit!  (calling out to other dude-bro's) She's from ALABAMA!  You guys SUCKED this year!
K-Peezy:  Yeah but we were great when we beat Texas in the National Championship!

Now let's pause to examine this for a second.  A man, who we just just met, at the top of a mountain, meeting a girl for the first time, upon hearing that she's from Alabama proceeds to tell her how bad her school was this year, and then when she defends it, tells her to, "Eat a dick."  Seriously.  EAT. A. DICK.  It was the single weirdest...and greatest, moment of all time.

Later in the convo the dude-bro asked where the actual Buffalo Bill grave site was...I pointed across the small parking lot and said, right over there...there's also good views of Denver to which he responded, "Aww FUCK!  Let's Leave!!"  Spectacular.

That was Friday.  On Saturday, we celebrated the upcoming MLK day in a very traditional way by doing the ol' I Have a Dream MLK Booze Heavy Brewery Hoppin' Dog Adoptin' for Equality Adventure.  Unfortunately, no dogs were adopted, which is a blow to racial equality probably.  I came close to a dog named Sadie (she used to be my homeboy's lady), but unfortunately, after a few positive moments in meeting my good friend Tuxxie, she went straight for the jugular, and thus ended her career as my canine companion.  Maybe I'll have better luck with these foster dogs, who are bred to not be all crazy like the shelter pups.  Saturday evening was spent continuing on the drinking frenzy at Denver Beer Co., by far my favorite brewery in Denver.  At the DBC, we also played a twist on a game which I have now dubbed Ring of Jenga Fire.  It's basically just the tense anticipation of Ring of Fire (Circle of Death) with the....tense anticipation of Jenga.

Sunday was kept relatively low key, watching the Broncos game, and the following game, which was called the Richard Sherman rant with a side of playoff football.  I think the post game interview with Erin Andrews was nothing short of amazing.

The Ever Eloquent Richard Sherman

On Monday,  we drove down south near Colorado Springs to take the old fashioned cog railway to the top of Pike's Peak.  Unfortunately, due to God's wrath, the trip to the summit was closed because of high winds, but we still were able to make the trip up to about 11,500 feet.  Here's a few pictures of the trip.

Afterwards we took a quick trip into Garden of the Gods, because it is the GARDEN. OF THE GODS.

Overall, not a bad way to spend a Monday.  But as the weekend came to a close, I don't know if it was the movie we were watching, the wine we were drinking, or the knowledge that the weekend was already over that brought my friend to tears, but even the greatest of parties must eventually end, and as I dropped off said comrade at the airport at 4:45 AM, I said, most nostalgically, the only thing I could say to encapsulate our adventure.

"Eat a dick!  I was there!"

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Blue Langentine Productions: You May Already Be Part of this Matrix

As some of you know, I am the Founder and CEO of Blue Langentine Productions, a Sports, Media, Food, Social Media, and Clothing conglomerate that invests in local start up companies.  Blue Langentine Productions was started on the idea that no idea is too crazy, or too unique, and that creative people should be encouraged to develop new ways of improving the quality of life of humanity.  At Blue Langentine Productions, nobody should just be a BLP on the radar (see what I did there?  BLP = blip?  no?)  In that vein, Blue Langentine Productions has invested start up capital in several ideas brought to us over the course of 2013.  One young man, a hot new entrant into the local culinary scene, developed two great food truck ideas that are just in the intial stages of thought right now.

Biblical Bacon is a food truck concept that focuses on developing quick, gourmet meal options that use bacon as the focus, as opposed to a $1 add-on.

And of course there's the much celebrated Sip N' Slobber, which requires no explanation.  But out of pride in this man's idea, I'll explain it anyways.  This conceptual truck would serve a much underserved population of Denver.  The Sip N' Slobber provides wholesome, nutritious meals to people and their life long companions who stand just a foot or two off the ground.  No not their kids, but hold on, I gotta write that one down....  I'm talking about their pets!  Now no pet will be jumping trying to steal that nacho plate off their human's hands.  Instead, they'll also get to enjoy the over-priced, small proportioned meals that food trucks are famous for!

But just when you thought that we were a one trick pony, Blue Langentine Productions entered into the clothing empire dominated thus far by P. Diddy.  An entrepreneurial young man came to us with the idea of a new clothing line for people who needed warm clothing that could be easily be torn off when the sun came out.  That was the short pitch by Go Hulk Clothing, which proves that tear away sweaters are not just for strippers anymore!

Aside from Food Trucks and Clothing Empires, Blue Langentine Productions has even invested in rising sports stars, with it's most recent investment in a growing professionally amateur olympic future ping pong legend who goes only by the name Sea Turtle.  Poems will be written about this young man one day.

And let's not forget the entire online empire, where Blue Langentine Productions thrives.  In the online world there are two types of websites.  Pornography, and people looking to create porn (i.e. dating websites.)  That leaves an entire demographic of people who are just looking to have an actual experience without the requirement of a spouse.  And also that's not watching porn!  That's when a future leader of America came to us with the idea of a new website focusing on Solo-Mooning.  Solo-Mooning is the art of enjoying all the benefits and out-of-world experience of a honeymoon, without the requirements of a spouse!  Because with Solo-Mooning, you no longer have to be married, to make a merry memory!

Those are just a few of the ideas that have come to us here at Blue Langentine Productions.  For tax purposes, all of these entities are incorporated in the Bahamas under shell corporations, and Blue Langentine Productions will be free and clear from any responsibility should they all fail miserably, but I don't foresee that ever happening.  If you have a great idea, and nobody else will buy into it, contact one of the million un-paid employees and get your idea out the world!

and FYI, we're actively looking right now to hire a new design firm...first project will be coming up with a better logo for our corporation.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

If You'd Like to Slowly Descend into an Abyss of Despair and Absurdity....Please Hold!

In the real hierarchy of evil today, the list is ever growing when it comes to those individuals or group of individuals whose very existence does more harm to our world than we can ever truly recover from.  Oh sure, list has always included attorneys, dentists, and Fox News, but the real enemy is much worse than those three groups combined.  It is of course, Fred Loya Insurance Company, El Paso, Texas, with another location in Hell.

As you may recall, I first made contact with Fred Loya back in early October, when one of their esteemed, insured drivers (who had exactly 1 months worth of insurance) plowed into me at a stop light, because the sun was in his eyes and he couldn't see the light.  Apparently, he couldn't see the stopped cars in front of him, or the moving cars that were driving at full speed in a perpendicular direction to him.  Anways, after two long months, and a general lack of contact of help from the people at Fred Loya, I finally was able to get my car repaired and returned to me in tip top condition.

Fast forward now, a month later.  Yesterday, I get a call from the car rental place that after several unsuccessful attempts to contact Fred Loya, somebody at the insurance company put in a system message that they would only pay for my car through 11/22/2013, because "that's when my car was done."  Where the facts that led to that conclusion came from are beyond me, since I said, I hadn't heard from anybody at Fred Loya before that point.  After several obsessive psychotic attempts to call anybody at the insurance company, I finally got a low level employee in their claims department to hear my plea.  She, having a full heart and compassion, immediately tried to get off the phone with me by sending me to somebody's voicemail.  I told her that I understood that it was company policy at Fred Loya not to ever respond to voicemails, so I told her that I refused to be transferred to anyone who wasn't at work at that exact time.  I think my exact words were, "Just take a second and look around you right there anybody walking around that can help me?  Anybody who actually comes in at 9 AM central time like all your voice mails claim you do??"  I WAS finally transferred to somebody who said they would at least put a note in the system to show the full time my car was being fixed, and would try and get a hold of the appropriate person to resolve the outstanding $380 bill with the car rental place.  Because if not, that's the bill I'm all of a sudden stuck with...for a car accident...that wasn't my fault...

Anyways, today's lesson is, never accept being sent to somebody's voicemail.  And before you're ever transferred to anybody, get as much information on that person as you can from the low level employee that just wants to go on another smoke break because, "today was the wrong day to quit."  You need to have that person's name, contact info, hobbies, fears, and medications.  I've been on the phone with enough customer service people to know that calls seem to "drop" when you're waiting for a manager too long.  Also, the incessant use of speed dial is a helpful tool as well.  You leave a message once.  Then you call back 100 times.  Eventually somebody will get so annoyed by the constant ringing that they'll realize it's just better to take your call.

Now this may work at a lot of places, but I think Fred Loya teaches the art of obfuscation and avoidance.  They are experts at ignoring you.  You have to become as sociopathic as them in order to beat them.  But then you have to wonder....once you've gone that deep into car insurance psychosis....can you ever come back?  CAN YOU?!  I don't know...  What does this drawing mean?

Monday, January 13, 2014

Denver...Where the Beer Flows Like...Apple Juice?

At the beginning of every week, I'm supposed to update my outgoing voicemail message on my phone to the effect of, "This is who I am, this when I'm supposed to be here this week, this is who you should call instead of bugging me with your idiotic question."  Some days (read:  most days), this is the only work related thing I have to do the whole day.  Even then, I typically forget to update it, and will get somebody calling leaving some snarky message about, "well since you haven't updated your voicemail I don't know if you'll answer this or not, so I'll proceed to call everybody you've ever worked with in your whole life with my question."  Awesome.

Thus begins another pointless week of nothing.  But at least, I can reflect back on my fun weekend, as I count down the hours before I get to home each day.  Last Friday, I was finally able to catch up on sleep from the trip back from Florida.  Some how (knock on wood), I didn't get sick this vacation, unless you count the 5 days where my mom's cat was leeching the life force from my body in a Tiger's Eye type scenario.  Wasn't that the name of the movie?  The one with Drew Barrymore?  Am I thinking of something else?

Anyways, after resting up Friday, I went out with a neighbor (you read that right.  1st success of the new year)  to a hard cider grand opening.  This guy's architecture firms seems to focus on doing awesome projects for breweries and mellow mushrooms.  This hard cider place, called Stem Cider, is a new brewery opened by these two guys who had decent jobs but decided to risk everything and start a cider business while the industry is still deciding on whether or not it is a successful project.  It's a brave and admirable thing to do though, to quit your job and do what you love.  Although, it gets a lot easier when both of your wives are doctors.  Vacation in the Bahamas sounds like it's happening whether or not succeed.  And if regular business is anything like the grand opening, well I think they'll be alright.

I can't say for certain, but this could have just been the crowd that was running for their lives away from this Bluegrass band.

Oh yeah, and my neighbor's wife supposedly got a "24 hour bug" the night of this cider event, which of course I immediately conspire to mean that she didn't want to hang out with me, probably because she was embarrassed by how she made a fool of herself at Thanksgiving.  I only say this because the next day she showed up on facebook at the New Belgium brewery tour looking QUITE healthy!  Anyways, that's another story.

On Saturday, I spent the majority of the day dog shopping.  Coincidentally, somebody apparently is heating up some dog food right now for lunch...based on my keen olfactory senses.  But anyways, I went to two different adoption events and one sad shelter, but unfortunately none of the dogs were whispering to me at all.  It could have been that I don't really know what I want.  It could be that, like everything else in life, I'm just too picky.  Or it could be that one of the rescue groups that was at an event kept referring to their dogs as "cockers."  They even said something to the effect of, "once you go cocker, you don't ever go....." whatever.  Since the day was not fruitful, I think I'm going to just go the online route.  The way I understand how these fostered animal adoptions work, it goes in 6 steps.

1.  Fill out adoption application that asks you more personal questions than your priest or mortgage lender.

2.  Get contacted by a person fostering the dog you want, who will arrange a meet and greet for you.

3.  Meet dog, assume it's on medication, and that it's energy level with you will probably be uncontrollable.

4.  Have a home visit by somebody from the rescue, who will probably say something like, "well, this shithole might be good enough for you and your kids, but not for this homeless dog we found on the highway 4 weeks ago."

5.  If you some how get through those 4 steps, you get the dog for a trial period.  I guess this is to see if you would make good roommates.

6.  Finally, when you realize the dog has some kind of incurable disease they didn't tell you about at the rescue, and the vet bills are $1000 / month, you leave the dog on the steps of the rescue group with a note that says something like,

"You will travel far, my little Kal-El. But we will never leave you... even in the face of our deaths... the richness of our lives shall be yours. All that I have, all that I've learned, everything I feel... all this, and more I... I bequeath you, my son. You will carry me inside you... all the days of your life. You will make my strength your own, and see my life through your own eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. The son becomes the father, and the father, the son. This is all I ... all I can send you, Kal-El"
 Man that will eff with their minds so much!  Anyways, after all that I went to play ping pong at a bar for somebody's birthday.  On Sunday, I made bread with a new breadmaker, and want to Michael Scott the smell of fresh bread every morning from now on.  I would do bacon on the Foreman, but this whole stupid vegetarian thing is preventing me from doing that right now.   You that I'm sitting here thinking about it, the fact that I'm meat deprived these days might be why I really think a great name for a dog would be Chicken.

I just blew your mind, like this nuclear explosion I saw out my office window the other day.

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

If Only Every Sequel Took it to the Streets

So after my marathon day at the airport yesterday, (12.5 hours of airporting until I finally boarded my plane!), I occupied my 4 hour flight by watching two movies on the ol' Kindle Fire.  United's updated policies allow electronic devices to be on during taxi, takeoff and landing, so gone are the days of missing the last 6 minutes of my movie before the rental period expires.  To this day, I still don't know how that one Matt Damon movie where people in hats reset time ends.  I hope they explained the hats though.  I hope it wasn't just the director's way of saying, only hipsters can change time.

On this flight, I watched two movies.  Combined these movies included extreme violence, nudity, drugs, alcohol and expressive, rude language.  So thankfully, I was sitting next to a 7 year old girl for the entire flight.  Perhaps the best thing about the kindle fire is the ability to hide the screen completely when cradled appropriately in the nook of your elbow.  This has saved me from being arrested on a flight many times.  Damn R rated movies should have a spoiler for people flying when something graphic is about to happen.

Anyways, the first movie I watched was Red 2.  Red 2, as the name implies, was the sequel to the movie Red.  The original movie, starring Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich and Helen Mirren was about 4 old, retired CIA/MI6/LMNOP operatives that are being hunted by the very governments they worked for, and who prove that no matter how many liver spots you have, Morgan Freeman can still kill you while speaking in soft soothing tones the whole time.  That movie, in its original incarnation, was a surprisingly fun, action packed well made movie that nobody ever heard about.  The sequel was anything but.  I'm not sure who directed this sequel, but they decided to Michael Bey the hell out of it.  What was a decent action movie became a car chasing, gun shooting, (but never hitting), campy, bad joke telling, building exploding snore bomb.  I mean, this movie made Anthony Hopkins into a bad actor.  It's unlikely that he'll ever recover from it.  And they didn't even bring back the young version of Bruce Willis from the first movie, who's now the lead on the new futuristic crime drama Guy and a Robot, or whatever it's called.  That's also a show I watch solely for Minka Kelly, who has like one scene where she whispers her line every episode.  But I digress.  As did this sequel from the original movie.  The only person who remained consistent in Red 2 was Mary Louise Parker who continued to prove she had no business being part of storied franchise.  So yeah, I would say watch the original, and then pretend like you never knew there was a sequel.  I mean everybody knows sequels are the worst.  Except for Step Up 2, but that's only because they took it to the STREETS.

The other movie I watched was Drinking Buddies, starring Jake Johnson (from The New Girl), Olivia Wilde, Anna Kendrick and Ron Livingston.  I have no idea what Ron Livingston is from, except from that one show that Jim Gaffigan was also on that was a comedy but had no laugh track but kept the awkward pauses FOR a laugh track.  It was about....sports?  Anyways, despite not really knowing where he's from, this was a really good movie about friendship, unrequited love, awkwardness between men and women in any kind of relationship and mostly about drinking, all with the back drop of a brewery.  I liked the indie feel to the movie, and that the characters were all relatable.  It's like I was watching the movie saying to myself, "yeah I think that in that circumstance that's exactly how I'd feel about how all of this is going down, and they're able to show that just in how he's standing there looking at her!"  Really really good job.  I was going to tell you who the Director/Writer is, but after reading about him a little bit on IMDB, he seems like a douche so don't worry about it.  I guess he just got lucky with this movie.

Anyways, that was that.  I got home at like 1 AM this morning, so decided to come into work a couple hours late.  So that's nice.  As usual, nothing is happening at work, so I've already started writing out my to-do list for the weekend.  It's arguably the best to-do list I've ever written.  So far I've got:

1.  Make bread in new bread maker.
2.  Go to VooDoo Donuts
3.  Get a dog


Monday, January 6, 2014

In 2014, I Will Finally Find out what Auld Lang Syne means.

Happy New Year and welcome to another year of long, rambling pointless blogging!  2013 was a pretty good year in my opinion and capped off by a nice long vacation in Florida.  Unfortunately, the rest of America went into a "Day After Tomorrow" scenario due to what the news described as a Polar Vortex.  Only Randy Quaid survived.  Florida was relatively untouched, although the temperatures tomorrow are supposed to drop to a chilly 50 degrees.  A poll of Florida residents blames this on "a lack of respect by teenagers."  They're probably right.

But here I sit in the airport waiting for my flight these evening thinking about the last two weeks.  My trip was an eventful trip, yet maybe one of the calmest and easiest trips home I've ever head.  I give full credit to my niece, who proved be a unifying distraction for everybody in the family.  It's true that actions speak louder than words, because she can only really say "Ba ba bah!!!!" and "Jabajabajba!!!", but just her shaking her head no at something seemed to bring a smile to everybody's face.  Here's probably the one and only picture I took of her the whole trip.

Oh that's right.  I took more pictures of this grouper sandwich than I took of my niece!  But let's be real, Florida grouper is a thing of legend, and pretty much anybody can make a baby (even guys according that that one documentary with Danny De Vito and Arnold Schwarzenegger.)  And this was probably the biggest piece of grouper I've ever had.  I had a lot of amazing fish while in town this trip.  It's a dark reminder though, of the lack of cheap, quality seafood in Denver.  Which doesn't bode well for me since I've agreed to go full on Pescetarian with my friend this new year.  To the unpretentious, that means no chicken, beef, or pork.  The latter is most important, because that means no bacon or sausage.  Which means if I get the craving, I'll have to settle for "Fakin'" or "Nawwwsauge."  I don't know if that last one is real, but that's what they should call it, right?!

 But seriously, I'm only doing this for the competition of seeing if I can outlast my friend, who's already told me she's not "taking it all that seriously."  I guess that makes it a little less douchey right?  Since I'm doing it for all the wrong reasons?  Which by the way is only reason I do anything.  Including writing this blog.

Anyways, that was 2013.  Other things happened on my trip like seeing friends, and whatever, but who cares.  You're the ones who read this blog.  You already know what happened.  Let's move on already to 2014.  Since we're still in the hangover period of the new year, it means New Years Resolutions are still relevant for at least another week.  Personally I haven't made a New Year's Resolution since the year I was in Orlando and we wrote down resolutions and threw them into a fire, Sorcerer style.  I figured I'd never be able to top that.  Also, since I don't remember what that resolution was, I'm going to assume it came true...........on a flying Hogwarts.

But that doesn't meant that this blog can't make some resolutions for this fresh new year!  So here we go, with the first post of 2014, I give you the cheapened form of a blog that you all seem to love....a bullet point list!


In 2014, The Denver Omlette will increase readership to 10 readers, until 2 of them die in a fiery blog related explosion.

In 2014, I will be more aggressive on my stance on the general usage of ketchup, and how it goes on everything, but is still some how disgusting at the same time.

In 2014, I promise to write more about my death inducing experiences.  Last year was all drowning in rapids.  This year I will likely either almost die in an avalanche, scrambling over rocks, or falling down the stairs.

In 2014, I promise to bring back the Oxford comma, like I did in the previous resolution.  Too long as America forced it's incorrect grammar on the world!

In 2014, I resolve to write more about the dog I'm soon to get.  This dog, which likely became less tame the longer I own it, is also the reason that falling down the stairs will become a likely reason for my untimely demise.

In 2014, I resolve to put up more pictures in these posts.  It's unfair to make you read like this.  But not this one, becuase, you know, shut up.

In 2014, I promise to have a more positive outlook on life.  Until Yahoo News tells me something Fox News said and that outlook is ruined again.

In 2014, I promise to give you slackjawed minions a more culturally relevant blog, with pictures of Yosemite and Mount Rushmore and birds and elk and crap like that.  Maybe I'll even get some pictures of native Denverites smoking so much weed they comatize themselves into a hazy stupor.  I will not smoke any of these weed personally, if only to remain ever vigilant and be able to report to you the rapid increase in the "goddamn hippies" infilitrating this town.

In 2014, I swear to god I'm gonna find some Stapleton Swingers.  They're out there somewhere, and I feel like I'll just lose sleep until I'm able to identify them.  I"m basically Tom Cruise in Eyes Wide Shut.  Not how you're thinking....this isn't a "not wanting to see behind the veil" scenario.  I meant I'm into stupid movies.

Finally, in 2014, I promise to keep my lists at 10 things, as all lists should include.  But those 10 things will be effing spectacular.  THIS, I resolve.

Ok fine, here's a real picture of my niece.  She's pretty awesome.