Thursday, January 23, 2014

Dear Motorola: Suck It

One of the best things about living in Denver is easily the weather.  You might see some irony in that statement (or maybe just think it's a bummer) that I'm saying that the day after we got 2-3 inches of snow overnight, and it's peaking at about 20 degrees outside today, but hear me out.  Considering that a Nor'easter just blew through the Nor'east a few days ago, dumping some 15 inches of snow on parts of New Jersey (although not being able to see New Jersey is an improvement), or that this morning the wind chill in Omaha was -27 degrees.  MINUS TWENTY SEVEN DEGREES!!!, there is some perspective to be had on the mild Denver winters.  It was 62 degrees on Sunday.  It will be 61 degrees this Saturday.  So as long as we continue to have some wonderfully warm, sunny weekends, what do I care about a few wintery days whilst at work? 

In fact, knowing it had snowed overnight motivated me this morning to do a quick 10 minute shovel session of my driveway.  That coupled with some strong coffee on the bus ride to work has proven to be the best morning wake up routine I've ever had.  Of course, there are disadvantages to being that awake on the bus in the morning.  Mainly, you're too keenly aware of all the people on the bus with you, and life gets a little bit scarier.

But despite these advantages as I'm calling them, there is a distinct disadvantage to our winters here.  That is, walking downtown in any kind of shoe, will be the most frightening experience of your life.  Just walking to lunch today, I almost slipped and ate it hard on the sidewalk like 4 different times.  And this is WITH the sidewalks having been shoveled and salted.  Mostly this occurred on the roads, where the constant burn of tires over the snow while it was still freezing outside caused the dry fluffy snow to pack in and freeze into walking death brigades, trying to claim your life at every intersection.  But today was a pho kind of day and not even hazardous road conditions would stop me from the three block walk to noodle nirvana. 

In my satisfied daze, I decided that today would finally be the day that I go out and get myself an Iphone.  That's right folks, after years of complaining about my current POS, I decided to join the herd and get myself the "Phone of Tomorrow."  That's what I imagine they call it at Epcot.  And just in case you're like, "whatever dude, you didn't get an IPhone...you probably bought the 99 cent flip phone."  I'd like to say to this person, I was this close to doing that.  A flip phone would never die on me every three hours.  Nor would the heat of the screen burn my ears.  But no, here's some proof for you.  This is one of the last discovered pictures from my old phone, circa 2014:






And what's the first thing I did with this new phone, you ask?  I added an emoji keyboard so I can send texts that include rocket ships, soccer balls, chicken and seemingly racist Indian guys.  Because let's face it...in the end, THIS is the reason we all flock to the same phone.  Not for any real purpose of texting, calling, googling, or whatever other functions we claim we wanted a smart phone for.  It's so we can play candy crush, have our texts show up in blue talking bubbles, and send silly emoji's to our friends. The silliness is but a front for what we really want:  a sense of belonging.  This is the community we long for.  And to those of you still on android phones, or worse, that Windows phone that like 6 people have, let me ask you something.  Is it worth it?  In the end, what will they write on your grave stone? 

 "Here lies what's their face.  They died in a car crash, because it took too long for them to send a text to their friends, who never got it because they have IPhones.  They leave behind a legacy of behind the timesedness, and a boatload of debt because Verizon still won't let them off their contract.  The family won't even receive any money because the person who hit them has Fred Loya insurance, who claims car accidents aren't covered in their car insurance policy.  A call was made to the Agent for clarification, but their voicemail says that they don't exist.  In the end, what's their name will be remembered for one thing, and that thing is...."

Sorry, they ran out of grave stone space.

Finally, as a final goodbye to my old piece of crap Bionic, here are some of the more interesting photos I lifted off of it before it retired into obscurity as my mobile alarm clock.  Enjoy!






1 comment:

  1. Whoah- whose that studly stud in the red leopard spandex?

    ReplyDelete