Thursday, January 30, 2014

The Internet: It's Not Just for Dating 80 Year Old Perverts Anymore!

Last night, I drove down to Colorado Springs with some friends, to see Aziz "Tom Haverford" Ansari do stand up.  Last night was the first night of his new tour, where he talks about all the trials and tribulations of dating in the modern world.  Needless to say, he was hysterical.  Probably the best stand up show I've ever been to in my life.  Probably my favorite part of the show was his interactions with people in the audience.  At one point, some lady let him go through her text message conversations with some new guy she met, just so he could tell us how effed up trying to date people nowadays is.  It was nothing short of spectacular.  Here's a crappy picture he fake posed for before telling us to put our goddamn phones away.






Please excuse the crappy quality of the picture.  I blame the lighting.  In this picture, he seriously is posing as if he was telling a joke.  Mastermind.

The unfortunate thing about going to see a comic perform in Colorado Springs when you live in Denver, is the hour and a half drive back afterwards, which gets you home around midnight.  The bus schedule has no sympathy for your bedtime, and I still had to get up at 5:30 AM today in order to come to work.  So in my current state of tiredness, and lack of motivation to do much else, I have spent the greater majority of today surfing the many marvels and wondrous....wonders, of the World Wide Web. 

And it is quite wondrous.  The internet is like an ocean.  The constantly changing tides bring fresh new content to my fingertips every day, and just like the ocean, there are people trolling around acting weird and mining for money (or bitcoins.)  But if you can rake through the muck, there is a treasure trove of entertainment there to behold.  Take for example, www.denveromlette.blogspot.com.  That site is amazing!

But enough bragging.  Here's some stuff I found online today that is more important than anything you're doing in your life.

1.  First there was the cronut.  People lined up for hours and paid black market prices of  600% face value in order to get one.  Then Denver was like, oh yeah well we're going to make that but call it a Puffy Nut because we don't actually want to sell one ever!  But now, the good people of Chicago have stepped up to the plate, proving that if you're going to make something delicious and heart stopping, it's gonna come from Chicago dammit.  Meet, the Doughscuit.  It's 50% Donut,  50% Buscuit, 100% Emergency Room.

2.  If that last one didn't get you breathing heavy, check out this strange not really a commercial behind the scenes Newcastle sort of commercial.....thing.....with Anna Kendrick!  I don't get it, but I LIKE it!

3.  So if that doesn't restore your faith that the internet isn't just all pornography, here's another great tid bit for you.  I once thought the best job in the world would be the guy who picks music to play at a clothing store when people are staring at a sweater.  In my mind this guy works in a sterile white room, deprived of any sound, with pretense pumping in through the air vents.  He walks around a sweater and after 45 minutes of knowingly wasting time, yells out, "KATY PERRY'S ROAR!!!"  Then he goes home and gets drunk  cos his job is effing BOSS.  But then I found something even better!  There are physicist out there in America, right now, who's job it is, TO FIND TIME TRAVELERS.  No Joke.  That is seriously the most awesome job on mother flippin' planet!  But wait, how do they do it?  By searching facebook and twitter!  God knows, I do that all day long!  I could have been searching for time travelers this whole time!

4.  Finally, I'd like to end today's internet search with you vomiting at your desk and falling down.  I'm talking of course about giving you Vertigo!  Check out these awesome photos from Hong Kong.  I don't recommend moving here if you need space, or don't like vomiting and falling down.  Now if you love legos and the potential for mass deaths due to even a minimal natural disaster, get you to China!

Well that's it for today's internetting.  I've just got back from eating a hefty bowl of ramen noodle soup, and now I am going to lean back and take a short nap until it's time to go home.  It's supposed to snow tonight, but so far we've been spared.  I'm hoping it can last just a few more hours so I'm at least on the bus before it starts.  Anyways, good night!

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