Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Wanted: One Morgan Freeman Voiceover

In the violent world of Big Horn Sheep, the mating ritual begins with male sheep running full force into each other in an attempt to win over females with a show of strength.  This is not unlike the male fraternity brother, who also tries such asinine things like chest bumping and beer chugging in an attempt to win over a mate.  Other animals also exhibit such behaviors seen as clearly in the human world.  For example, the twelve wired bird of paradise gently caresses his potential mate with a dozen stiff feather shafts protruding from his lower torso (calm down ladies...), causing quite a sensation in the female birds feather region (see what I did there?)  The sea hare, a kind of sea slug, is a hermaphrodite that sometimes mates in chains, with the middle sea hare acting as both the male and female.  This kind of behavior is seen quite often in Stapleton, where swinger parties run rampant (even if I've yet to see one.)  And for hermaphroditic flatworms, they engage in penis fighting (no seirously...penis fighting), until one manages to pierce the other's skin and inseminate it.  I think that last one is also how most of the aforementioned frat bros figure out they're gay, but that's pure speculation.

My point to all of this is, if even the simplest of animals has figured out a time tested mating ritual, that emulates human behavior, and prolongs their species into time eternal, why is it that I'm still over here perfecting my game (read:  becoming ever more the creeper) and miserably failing?

At PAH last night, I met a cute girl who's a new volunteer.  The beginning of the year is always a fun time because people come in to volunteer  to fulfill New Year's resolutions and generally to be better people.  This will typically last until around March or April when I assume WAKA kickball starts up again and they would rather spend their time getting drunk and playing sports than chopping onions.  Anyways, the Denver Omlette school of courtship teaches the three P's when it comes to picking up a girl:  Patience, Passive Aggression, and Prosecution.  For example, movies have taught us that the guy gets the girl by making a surprising, confidence-filled first move that she will remember and cause her to fall in love with him.  This is BS.  Rather than bullying your way into this person's vision, my method is to play the long game.  The first meeting is a casual hello, and then group conversations that never require any more than slight eye contact.  This is to confuse the person and make yourself not stand out in the surface of their mind.

Subsequent meetings are for evidence gathering.  You slowly learn more and more about the person without ever asking deep, probing questions.  Or, you let other people ask those questions and just keep an ear open for the answers.  But remember, you must be subtle....this is a mental game.  The only thing separating you and a major creeper right now is the lack of pen and note pad during this time.  Eventually, years and years later, you decide that this person is the one, and you've been slowly building hatred against any other potential suitors along the way, you build this person up way too much in your mind, to an ideal they could never live up to, and then you bother checking facebook to find out that they are already in a relationship. 

You might think that this methodology is flawed.  You might be right.  But, I feel like if it's honed and perfected, it will some how be a breakthrough in science, like curing cancer, or talking to an alien.  But if you think my process is defective, I've researched several other flashier methodologies that might have a higher success rate.  Here's one I found from a lifelong student of love:

I usually stay in Step 1 for 1-2 years.

Hopefully, with the tools you've acquired today, you two can find yourself penis fighting into a lasting relationship in no time at all!

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