Friday, February 28, 2014

R.I.P. Egon!

Oh Friday, you magnificent devil.  You crept up on me so fast, or maybe it was just being home sick today that made this day come so much faster.  But either way, it's here!  And with only 1.5 hours left before the week's end, and only 3.5 hours before Happy Hour, I am definitely pumping my fists into the air, despite how Lorde feels about it.  So today's Fist Pump Friday post is dedicated to often overlooked small successes of the day.

First, a special FPF shout out to Portlandia, and my DVR skills for actually realizing the season started and recording it. 

Next, as I'm writing this post I was starting to think I was eating too many of my niece's gold fish that she left at my house.  Then I saw on the nutritional information panel that one serving size is 55 pieces.  Mass fish genocide...ahem...aside, that's worth of a fist pump!

My social calendar is pretty full this weekend, which of course I'll tell you all about next week.  But as a preview, just know that it involves, 1.) drinking booze with children, 2.) Cuban pastries, 3.) Live Action Mario Kart and oh yeah 4.) Getting a dog roommate. So yeah, I think that deserves a fist pump!

Finally, on a more serious note, I'd like to stop for a second just say goodbye to a great actor, comedian, and all around "tall guy with glasses", Harold Ramis, who passed this week.  He brought us two of my favorite movies of all time.  Ghostbusters and Groundhog's Day.  Without him, Bill Murray would be slightly less famous.  So here's one last fist pump to you Harold Ramis.  I really hope you come back as a ghost as a stark reminder that Slimer was just a Hollywood Executive ploy to sell toys.

Eh...close enough.  Happy Fist Pump Friday!

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Ain't Nothing Worse Than Icicles and Feet

Over the weekend, I had an abundance of family members occupying my house.  Unwashed, some who had even clearly soiled themselves, they squatted in my house until their demands were met.  They wanted what we all want on a short weekend trip to Denver.  To be shown a great time, play in snow, and have their diapers changed every 2 hours.  These few, these huddled few, banded together (or squished together in my car) and experienced all the thrills of a Denver winter.

Upon arrival, unaccustomed to the air at one mile high, I did the most reasonable thing possible.  I immediately drove them an additional 1.5 miles higher (and colder) into the rocky mountains, and encased them in a castle made of ice.  Only one of us was really even dressed appropriately:

Every winter in Breckenridge, some guy decides he's going to try and make the fortress of solitude out of ice.  What starts out as a worthy endeavor quickly devolves into a madman's pursuit of creating an ice prison.  This prison is fraught with peril, as at any moment, the warm Colorado sun can melt the ice and drop one of the deadly stalagtites of ice above into, and through your skull.  And they would never even be able to rule out homicide, since the weapon that caused your death would melt before the authorities arrived!  But, despite these dangers, I swallowed my own personal fear of death by icicle and wandered into something that could only be described as a Cold Cautionary Cave of Calm Calamity.  Seriously, tha'ts the only way you could describe that.  No other way at all.  Anyways, here's whats I'm talkin' bout:

Not Pictured:  My sister, who was loudly dying in a corner from the cold and altitude.

Everyone referred to this guy as "the creator."  PS - Nobody referred to this guy at all.
The rest of the weekend was pretty relaxed.  There were dinners, breakfasts, an hour at the park, and like 6 trips to Target.  The rest of the time was wholly occupied by the recitation of a Dr. Suess adjacent (as my sister basically described it) book called The Foot Book. 

Because if standing under 3 foot long icicles wasn't enough, I also had to spend 3 days listening to people talk about the grossest part of the human body:  the foot.  This book is apparently the only thing that can both calm my niece down, and then amp her up after about the 6th repetition of the book.  The book itself is a tale of misery, considering all the sawed off feet I guess it's referring to.  I bet the book was really written by the infamous foot chopper in Florida, as a way for him to remember his inventory of collected feet.  He had left feet, right feet, front feet, back feet, low feet and high feet and so many other disgusting things, I can't even continue the retelling.  I told my brother that based on my niece's excitement during this book being read, he needs to keep a close eye on her for any other sociopathic tendencies she may exhibit.

But let's pretend that she is normal for just a second.  Maybe she CAN grow up to lead a normal life.  I noticed that in her off time, when she's not collecting feet, my niece also likes to approve loans to her mom:

And eat basketballs......

Monday, February 24, 2014

Based on a True Story

Sometimes in writing this blog, I like to experiment with different styles and formats of communication.  Sometimes its through the age old practice of lists, which allows me to jump from topic to topic seamlessly.  Much easier than the times that I write stream of consciousness.  But all great stories come from pushing the envelope on not only content but HOW that content is delivered.  Thus, in today's post, I will delay re-telling of the adventures I went on this weekend with the family in town, in order to explore a different method of story telling, through the less ancient art, of Messenger Conversations. 

Act 1 - Epilogue:

there is a toddler in AZ with an IQ of 160
she can read at a 5th grade level
and taught herself spanish in her parents' iPad
scary for her parents
who are already stupider than she is
the first time her parents yell at her to go to her room
she'll probably provide them with emancipation papers
which will suck for them because she'll have a much higher paying job than either of them combined
so their salary stream will end
she is the youngest person inducted into the Mensa group
and they'll have to continue making new children in hopes of having another genius
hahaha and not messing up!
who will all grow up to have complexes that they were competing with a sibling they never even knew
and of the 6 additional children they have, 2 will probaby have some kind of sociopathic tendancies that grew from feelings of inadequacy, turned to resentment...initially focused at the parents
then turned outward to the world
that sounds like an awesome movie plot
they will become a 2 person serial killer team
which the BAU will not realize until it's too late
and the mensa genius is found hanging from her childhood bedroom ceiling fan
before she dies, she'll leave a series of clues that only other members of Mensa can decode
(yes this just went from Criminal Minds to The Da Vinci Code)
but, each of them will die before solving the code
except for Sharon Stone
AND then all of them will have Mensa burned on their chest
who will have a public reveal, this time NOT of her cooch
Ok i'm telling a new story, you're just changing things from the actual Da Vinci code
but no matter how you find them, upside down or down side up, it will read Mensa either way
sorry, ok, go on
where was I
oh yeah, Sharon Stone revealed not her cooch
whats her face not showing her cooch
anyways, so then they'll realize who it was, and the irony of it being this brother/sister team
that's a twist!
good one!
i'm so excited
i can't wait to read this book!
But when it goes to court, the knife used to kill their sister will be missing from evidence
and so there will be a mistrial
but as they're leaving the courtroom, with throngs of protesters outside screaming for them to be hung (more irony)
a lone bullet from a sniper rifle will fire and kill the brother
leaving the sister screaming into the air
and we'll never quite know who that shooter was
nor will it matter
because all we'll then see is a THIRD brother....only referenced a couple times earlier on...walking to the grave site of his long dead parents
and slowly...but methodically digging up his parents graves....and in one he'll lay the missing knife
and in the other he'll lay his police evidence locker badge, and himself
and it will start raining
and the camera slowly pans out into the sky
ok, now, take all this you just said and make it last 90mins
and the last scene is just a flash of ligthening before the Lincoln Park end credits song plays and ppl start leaving the theatre
this movie will do poorly at the box office
i can tell
because it came out the same weekend as The Lego Movie
well, depends
who is in it?
and it will buried until TNT starts playing it 15 years later, every other day on repeat
and then people will watch it
somethign to look forward to
ok, that's enough
i'm hungry
and they'll say, wow...this must have been on the last movies Phillip Seymore Hoffman's ever been in
not sure how much longer you can take this story
gasp! :-O Capote!
And people will watch it over and over analyzing his state of mind in the movie
it will be theorized that he was method acting, and the director convinced him that he needed to start shooting up to really BE the role of 3rd brother
of course it would be impossible to prove at this point, 15 years later
and after about 4 months, the talk will die down...TNT will have moved on to replaying all the Steven Segall movies over and over again
and people will forget
The End
Based on a True Story

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Title: Untitled

These days, if you don't have a late night talk show, you're just nobody.  And if you're that network that doesn't have a late night talk show, good luck staying alive pal!  I mean NBC has a couple, CBS has a couple, ABC has a half....Kimmel sucks but his viral video bits are pretty good.  Plus it's funny that he decided to make Matt Damon his nemesis.  Hell, even Arsenio is back on Fox now.  TBS has Conan, even TNT has Barkley!  Yes, Inside the NBA counts.  AMC has Talking Dead.  That's for real too.  Heck even Comedy Central has the Daily Show and Colbert.  The recent retirement of the chin featuring Jay Leno and the change up with Jimmy Fallon taking over has already proven to be a success.  At least based on my 2 minute clip view of crap that I hear was funny from You Tube.  Thank god for YouTube.  Gone are the days of having to wade through 58 minutes of crap to get the one thing that's funny.  But this ragtime version of the Remix to Ignition is pretty great.  Like....makes me wish I was in a barbershop quartet great.

Even Seth Meyers getting in on this Late Night talk show business is a good thing, even though Seth Meyers is basically a clone of a clone of Adam Sandler.  The documentary Multiplicity taught us nothing apparently.  Which is why brain farts like Seth Meyers exist.  But at least he has Fred Armison as his band leader!  That's gotta be pretty great.  If not, it's ok.  It's on at like 12:30 AM...nobody is watching.  Except on YouTube.

In other news, my family, comprising my brother, sister-in-law, 16 month old niece and my sister are all coming into town today.  Other than the fact that the IKEA memory foam mattress I bought for the guest room still smells suspiciously like chemical waste, I think it will be a fun and event filled weekend.  And by "event" I mean eating.  This is the perfect crowd of people that would be happy to do nothing else but eat.  My kind of people.  Oh wait they ARE my people.  Although my brother has already texted me that we need to go to Target the second they get here so they can get whole milk, string cheese and "warm boot things", which I assume are just boots.  I even bought a high chair from some random lady online in anticipation of their visit.  I fully expect them to snub their noses at this used, probably recalled high chair that will serve no other purpose after this one visit they will ever make, but I felt proud that I was so thoughtful.  And now you can feel that way about me too.

But there's a lot of great things that will happen both as a result of this weekend, and in the weeks to come, which I 'd like to list out for you now, in the beloved format of a 10 item list.

1.  Seeing my niece before the cute wears off and she turns to ugly.  She still has time...I'm thinking she will be 3 or 4 that it all goes downhill.

2.  The stupid goddamn winter olympics will be over.  I miss my shows!  Also, I worry for the survival of our Olympians.  They would surely die if they had to slopestyle for another week.

3.  I may be getting my new roommate by March 1st!  I'm already regretting it completely.  What about me screams mature and able to manage a dog?

4.  Getting my taxes done.  Hello refund!  One thing I hate about these online tax preparers is that they they recalculate your refund as you enter new information.  It's actually kind of like a sad gameshow.  You put in one W-2 and all of a sudden you got this fat refund coming in.  Then you keep putting in more and more information, and that number goes down....until it reaches a point where you're just happy you don't owe anything.  For that reason, I think I would not like to ever be on a game show.  Also I don't like shouting, which is why I can't be on Wheel of Fortune.

5.  Breckenridge Ice Castles.  I"m going tomorrow.  In my mind, they are imposing fortresses made of gigantic frozen blocks of ice.  In reality, they're probably just a tourist trap.  I'm also deathly afraid of the frozen lobotomizers known as icicles that will probably be all around these castles.  I may wear a helmet.

6.  That Portlandia comes back a week from today!

7.  My birthday!  It's coming up soon people.  Get your acts together and work on that musical montage to me you've been preparing years for.

8.  Found a new awesome dim sum spot recently.  Seriously, every town needs at least one good dim sum spot.  Many more trips will be made there.  Much food will be over-indulged there.  I hope that one day they recognize me when I come in and just stare in fear at the amount of food I'm about to consume.

9.  In exactly 9 weeks, I will be running in my 2nd annual Graffiti Run 5K Which I'm Woefully Unprepared For race.  I race this EVERY year, in order to raise awareness for lazy people who should have been training knowing full well they registered for a race, but would rather have sat on the couch instead of training.  It's a real problem in my household.  And maybe in others' too.

10.  Finally, I'm really excited for this stupid windy, cold weather to be over and to have some consistent days of warm sunshine!  I really just want to find out if this maple tree in my yard is actually alive or not.  I wonder if it's under warranty.....


Wednesday, February 19, 2014

The Real Secret in a Dan Brown Book is Realizing You've Already Read It

Roughly an hour ago, I finished reading the the (probably) #1 bestseller, Inferno, by Dan Brown, who's famous for writing Inferno, but under the name the Da Vinci Code, which is sometimes referred to as Angels and Demons.  He also wrote a book about fortresses made of computers, but nobody read that one.

As with most Dan Brown books it follows a simple formula, with only minor changes from his other novels.  And don't worry, there are no spoilers here.  All of his books go like this, Dan Brown envisions himself as a ruggedly handsome Indiana Jones type professer turned action hero, who must spring into action with the help of a hot girl who's really smart and a little mysterious, to solve a crime perpetrated by a man smarter than anything Arthur Conan Doyle (Sir Doyle if you're nasty) could have come up with.  Throughout the story, usually during the most harrowing scenes, the main character stops to give somebody a 3 page long history lesson on a piece of art.  Most of the dialogue breaks down to barely palpable as we're waiting to here what stupid old Italian guy something is about.  It usually goes like this.

(Main guy's mind):  We were running through the streets that were lined with stones.  But instead of invoking my fight or flight response, it invoked my thoughtful history lesson response, because I noticed these stones were imported from China in 2 BC after the emporer of WhoCaresistan pillaged Europe.  And then suddenly I stopped running.

Main Guy:  OMG this is a clue!

Hot lady:  WHAT?!  What is?  Oh I'm not out of breath even though we were running for 30 minutes straight?  Yeah I'm really fit...basically an Olympian, and also super smart so I can understand everything you're saying and 6 chapters from now, I'm recollect it perfectly and even make a "sly pum" as you'll imagine it being.

Main Guy:  I just remembered I once gave a lecture to a group of people who are supposed to be my intellectual equals but instead ask me dumb questions like, "Who is Dante?"  Anyways, I perfectly remembered word for word what I was thinking about during that lecture and it made me remember that blah blah blah skip a bunch of pages, get to the part where we find out it's probably aliens, and that's who the church is named after!

Hot Lady:  Oh. Em. Gee.  I want to sleep with you, but I can't tell you because then who would care about the rest of the book?

(Main guy's mind):  I could tell she wanted to sleep with me...probably because I wear a 50 year old tweed jacket.  But something was tugging at my memory....of a lecture I once gave about Burlosqueeegy and Mooseandsquirrely and blah balh blah blah why I am still reading this book?

Anyways, I'll save you all the trouble the next time he writes a book.  The answer is probably aliens.  Probably the one thing that really made this book stand out though, was the iPhone commercial he does about halfway through the book.  If you've read it you know what I'm talking about.  It's probably why you bought an iPhone right afterwards.

Anyways, the greatest mystery Dan Brown solved this week was finding me something to do for the long hours I waste away at work.  I will be the most well read government employee by the end of this year.

In other news, I am supposed to start Couch to 5K training again.  I'm already a week behind, according to the training program, and have not run once for what I guess is now Week 2 of the program.  I did go on a 4 mile hike around Stapleton recently, in search of public art pieces.  I think I found 2, but one was dogs doing human things, so I decided not to share that one.  But for what ended up being an elusive search for art, ended up being a nice hike.  My friend claims we just "walked in the park" but a hike is a hike dammit.  So yeah, I should be 5K ready by the end of April right?

Anyways, highlights from the "hike" include:

The only art we actually found.

The ever watchful Eye of Stapleton

Just a small park in my neighborhood

Lastly, I also happened to see the movie, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.  The movie, for those that don't know, is about a man who day dreams of being a better, smarter, stronger person, to the point where he would rather live in the reality in his mind than the actual world.  It's a story of finding your true self.  If you haven't seen it you should see it.  It has an indie movie feel with a Hollywood cast.  And the soundtrack is pretty good too.   Go see it!

Friday, February 14, 2014

What the Hell Was This Post Supposed To Be About?

Valentine's Day is a uneventful day for single people like me.  After a short biased poll, I think it's a non-event for most people with kids too, but especially for the singles crowd.  Luckily, it's importance in the hallowed halls of history seems to have diminished as of late, and it's not AS in your face as say, the Olympics?

But for that reason, I shall spend MY Valentine's Day evening reading the relatively new Dan Brown book, Inferno. I was surprised however, when I purchased it today on Amazon, even in it's kindle-iest version, that I was charged sales tax.  What is this new sales tax on my Amazon purchases, I wondered with far more expletives.  Since when did the government start going after my online purchases of e-books, paper towel holders and cell phone covers?  Well after some research I found out that Colorado has started forcing, through indirect means, large e-retailers to start charging sales tax on your purchases.  Of course, I debate whether an e-book, which is not really a tangible thing, can be considered delivered to Colorado but whatever.  And Colorado isn't the only one!  Other states charging sales tax include Arizona, California, Connecticut, Georgia, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Massachusetts, Nevada, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, Tennessee, Texas, Virginia, Washington, West Virginia and Wisconsin!  They're all in cahoots!  My native state of Florida still doesn't charge sales tax, but when Buzzfeed has quizzes like, "Did this happen in Florida or Russia?", you can't really applaud the state too much.

This new level of taxation makes me question what kind of bargain I'm getting when I purchase something online.  It's already questionable to buy something that you can't put your hands on, and inspect for cracks.  And if you don't like something, sure they SAY the return policy is easy, but tell that to this writer, who got roped into a whole conversation with the guy from the UPS store when trying to return a stupid pillow I bought online.  I think I blogged about that before but if I didn't, it went something like this.

Store Mgr.:  Oh you're Indian!  I'm Indian!
Me:              Oh.
Store Mgr.:  Where are you from?!  When did you get here?!  You should come to my church!
Me:              Oh, that's nice.....thank you.....
Store Mgr.:  You should come to my house for dinner!  My wife will cook!
Me:              Ok....I gotta go....bye.

I may or may not have run away screaming.  I can't remember.  Thank god he didn't ask me why I didn't like the pillow.  That was a whole other issue that would have probably ended with me feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt and taking the pillow back and just learning to like it.

Anyways, if you thought this new sales tax is the most taxing thing on the internet today, you'd be wrong.  (If segues were an olympic event, I would have just won Gold.)  Today I saw an article about drivers in Miami Beach who are furious at these new yellow signs that say "Stop for Pedestrians in Crosswalks."  Apparently, no driver in Miami understands traffic rules, which after living there for 7 years is not that suprising.  I mean, I learned long ago not to go on Green right when the light changes.  You wait for the additional 4 cars that are going to run the red light before you make your way out into an intersection.  I mean, in Miami more people getting moving violations for blocking intersections than speeding tickets.  I guess the cop on the Dolphin Expressway would have had to be going less than super sonic speed in order to see anybody else speeding to begin with.  In Miami, they award points to the people that can drive the fastest and loudest with the least use of turn signals in between traffic lights.  With all that being true, how can you expect any real Miami driver to understand what a small yellow sign with a picture of a stop sign, over a person walking across a street could mean.  They didn't grow up learning english pictures! 

I have to tell you, I pointed this article out to a friend of mine in Miami, who is "Latin American", and she confessed to have done this very thing....blew right through one of those crosswalks with people in them.  Seems logical that if people are in the road you don't run them over, but you have to remember, at their very core, Miamians are this:

And if you think THAT'S the saddest thing  in Florida happening right now, , try to wrap your skull filling around this: 

There is are two McDonalds in Tampa, FL right now that are taking dinner reservations for a candlelit Valentine's Day dinner.  I'm not joking.  I guess it makes sense.  A quick fast food V-Day dinner before your stripper girlfriend goes back to work seems pretty logical to me.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

My Reality is Less Real Than Reality Television

Last night, instead of folding laundry, sweeping and mopping the floor, cooking dinner or the myriad of other things I should have been doing when I got home, I watched a couple episodes of Opposite Worlds.  The show, which debuted on the well respected Syfy Network (Remember, they brought us Sharknado), is about a group of people, divided into teams, each competing for $100,000, which will likely all go to therapy years later when they realize how they've wasted their lives.

The show is basically Survivor meets Big Brother, which I suppose is still just survivor, meets American Idol.  Why American Idol?  I'll get to that.  The premise of the show is a group of people who are divided into two groups, and live in a giant house separated down the middle with voyeuristic plexiglass.  One half of the house is "futuristic" meaning everything in the house is white and there are pointless blue lights because apparently that's the future.  Those people get refrigerators and hot tubs and yoga pants, yet they still sleep on shitty meth lab looking futons.  Go figure.

The other side of the house is "past world" and the people there wear fur skins, and sleep on straw, and use celery as utensils and use outdoor showers.  So basically, this divided home represents Boulder Colorado.  The two teams compete in elimination style physical challenges called "Duals of Destiny."  The players selected for Duals of Destiny come from each team and are selected by "The Decider."  The decider is either person each team selects as their "Protected", and is ultimately decided on through "fans" of the show via twitter votes.  Confused yet?  Other than eliminations, it seems like the only other aspect of the show is that people watching also rank all the participants in the show by popularity.  Each night the most popular person gets some special privilege, and the least popular player  gets version of punishment.  Because THAT'S necessary.  The show is done "live", and pushed along by this strange Australian host who very overtly asks questions that are basically, "why don't you cry right now?" and "you're trying to betray your teammates right?" and "stop saying nice things, or we'll never get Survivor like ratings you jackass!"

So after watching one and a half episodes of this show, I realized that I am wasting my life completely both at work and home now.  And while there's comfort in knowing that there are people in this world who seem to be wasting it way worse than me (i.e. everybody on the Syfy network), the time for change is now.  I have to make drastic, complete and significant changes to the way I do things and I have to start doing that ri.....ahhh forget it.  I changed my mind.  Instead lets just all watch this video of Olympic mogul skiers getting blown up by Star Wars lasers.

Anyways, speaking of bad shows, how about the Bachelor?  Lauren O'Brien (who is hilarious) does a pretty good spoof on what I assume is every girl watching the Bachelor ever.

This one is pretty funny too. 

OK, that's it for me.  It's not even 8:30 in the morning here, and I'm done for the day week month.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Maybe He Shouldn't Have Looked That Deeply Into the Crystal Skull

Last night, after 85 years of good clean living, Shirley Temple died.  You may remember Shirley Temple from such 1930s classics like "that movie with Shirley Temple where she was cute because basically she was your doll but could talk."  I think one of the reasons she's remained an icon for so long is she did something many child actors never do.  She stopped acting.  This may have also been a product of puberty, and Hollywood didn't really start sexualizing teenagers until the 90s, but for whatever reason, she grew up to be normal.  Of course, normal is relative, and for Hollywood it means never showing up on an episode of VH1's Celebrity Rehab, participating in Celebrity Apprentice, or just being Shia LaBeouf.

Oh Shia.  What happened to you man?  According to, Shia LaBeouf is a real person.  His credits go back as far as 1984, where he starred in the now lost, single-camera shot movie called, "Birth."  Since then he did small roles in stuff I never heard of, or just skimmed through until he found his place among the Hollywood elite, when he landed the starring role in Even Stevens.  I'm not sure if he played Even or Steven, but I assume this show was basically Pete & Pete without the controversial casting of gingers.

After 3 solid years of acting on a network that allowed an extreme amount of profanity as long as you just change one letter in the word, he left TV and decided to try his luck in movies.  He starred in the iconic tale of a kid in a concentration camp ordered to dig holes for some unknown, senseless purpose.  The movie, Holes, would go on to be seen by millions hundreds of people, and skyrocketed Mr. Los Angeles Beouf (as he later asked to be called) to the halls of fame and fortune.  I believe though, that it was this movie, with the long days of digging holes, that L.A. Beouf dug too far into his own soul, and found a black pit of endless despair.  In this moment of self reflection, the young boy we loved, for his overacting and fear of haircuts, lost himself to the madness that devours many young stars.  It took took Bynes.  It may have taken Webster, but I'm pretty sure he had Benjamin Button disease, so who knows how old he actually was.

The signs were all there.  First came the self-mutilation, by way of starring in 3 transformers movies.  Next, and perhaps as a result of these movies, came the sexual obsession.  He started seeking roles that prominantly featured sex scenes, going as far as performing actual sex on camera for the, you  Because it's not porn if it's directed by a German guy named Lars right?  Wait...I think ALL porn is probably directed by a German guy named Lars.  But farther and farther down the rabbit hole he went.  And in Bynes like fashion, Los(t) [Angel]es Beouf finally went off the deep end.  Case in point, here's a recent picture of him, at what I assume was some awards event.

Then, at a Berlin Press Junket, promoting his new film which I'm told is not porn, after being asked something about having sex on camera in what I'm told is not porn, he responded by quoting a former French soccer player by saying, "When the seagulls follow the trawler, its because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea."

He is also currently missing a bottom tooth, which when coupled with the previous examples, pretty much proves he's a meth head now.  Oh and I totally skipped over the part where he plagarized a movie script, and then plagarized the apology for plagarizing the movie script when he got caught. 

That's not being very even....Steven.

That's right.  You just finished reading an analysis of Shia LaBeouf.  That's how bored I am right now.  Today wasn't a total loss though.  I did find this awesome trailer for all the Harry Potter movies....if they were honest.

Monday, February 10, 2014

Next on A&E: Animal Rehab

When you're single, and more  importantly, extremely lazy, you tend to find yourself sitting on the couch for hours watch re-runs of Gilligan's Island and playing stupid games on your Ipad where you realize everybody you're playing with is 11 years old.  That's just fact.  So oftentimes, I find myself thinking, gosh...I wish I had more things to do to occupy my time.  Such was not the case this weekend, where I ran myself ragged all over town and still didn't accomplish everything I set out to do.  But having a deficit of time with all my well overdue home improvement projects is not a bad place to be.  Or at least it's better than watching Gilligan's Island....ever.

On Friday, I started the day off with some delicious banana walnut pancakes from my go-to brunch spot in Denver, DJ's Cafe.  On this particular morning, I was treated to a taping of HGTV's popular show, House Hunters.  I was told that they were taping the part of the show where the couple makes the decision on which house to get, although while I was there, they spent most of the time talking about how they met, what kind of styles they liked, and whatever other nonsense the people felt like saying.  This couple was like most probably normal couples who are on TV for the first time.  The lady laughed nervously while her husband proceeded to vomit out doucheness for 30 minutes straight.  I wish somebody could have taped them so they could hear how stupid they sounded.  Oh wait.  Anyways, the best part of the show is that I'm pretty sure the back of my head will appear in that episode, so yeah.......I'm prettttty famous.  Keep your eye out for House Hunters Denver:  The Douche's Decision.

After breakfast, and a stop by the central library to search for some old photos of Stapleton International Airport, I went to the movies and saw The Monuments Men.  In this movie, an overcrowded cast of characters doesn't care if you really understand how they got together to search for art in war-torn Germany during WWII.  Nor do they expect you to think about how weird it is that Hitler is in several scenes but never says anything.  Seems really un-Hitler like if you ask me.  Finally, the one thing the movie does want you to know is that Matt Damon's character's faith to his wife is infallible.  That scene took like 30 minutes to unfold and had no bearing on the movie's plot.  But I guess they needed to give Cate Blanchet more screen time?  Anyways, this movie, like art, is a bit pretentious and targeted for all the old people that can see a 2:30 PM movie on a Friday afternoon.  I would say the best part of this movie were my craisinets, but I also almost choked on them halfway through the movie too.

But that wasn't even the biggest epic fail of the day.  Later that night, I went to a friend's house to watch the opening ceremonies for the winter olympics.  The opening ceremonies might be the ONLY part of the winter olympics I watch.  My friends don't have cable though, and apparently the internet doesn't know how to stream time lagged broadcast events on major networks, so that didn't work out so well.  Instead we had to have "conversation."  TV was created so you'd never have to do that!!

On Saturday, I went to IKEA once more, this time to buy a new bed for my guest room.  Since my brother's family and my sister are coming to visit in a couple weeks, and I own a home now, I've decided gone are the days of guests sleeping on air mattresses.  Of course, to buy one bed at IKEA is not a simple task, and requires at least 6 different boxes.  And each box has about 4000 individual parts, and each part requires the strength of a lumberjack and the patience of a Buddhist to install.  I spent a good majority of Sunday putting together this bed, and got about 75% of the way through.  It's sad how sore I am today as a result of this....but a workout is a workout right?

Next time I'm just getting a piece of plywood.
After the IKEA trip, I went with some friends to see The Lego Movie.  Based on my last post, you might think that I believe any movie with too many good actors would be bad, but this movie proves the exception to the rule.  This movie was jam packed with amazing talent.  Will Ferrell, Will Arnett, Elizabeth Banks, Alison Brie, Charlie Day, Liam Neeson, Morgan Freeman, Jonah Hill and THE Channing Tatum and many many more made this a cleverly done, funny movie.  But the best part of the movie was probably the medium it was done in.  The entire movie was a meticulous adventure in stop motion playing with legos.  So cool.  Go see it.  I highly recommend it.

What else did I do?  I also went to a new brewery near my hood that night with my neighbor.  Good beers, although the bartender did tell me I know nothing about beer since I told her I didn't like the IPA she made me try.  She was joking, but it cut deep.  Real deep.

Finally, on Sunday, in between bed construction, I drove all the way up to Fort Collins to go "see a lady about a dog."  (NOT a euphemism.)  My dog adoption search moved a step closer to actualization as I met this dog, featured here:

I don't know if this dog is just really good at interviews, but she is sweet, quiet, and has the appropriate amount of patheticness that anybody would want her.  She also didn't make a lot of noise, meaning there's a good chance she's a mute.  They said she doesn't know any basic commands, which means I will probably have to send her off to boarding school, where I can only hope she doesn't join the Skulls and develop a cocaine habit.  That's how that works right?  Anyways, we'll see how this all progresses, and if she does develop a drug problem, I'm sure there's a way to capitalize on that too, right?

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Oh Man....I forgot about Water World. Kevin Costner's the Worst!

Every month, on a Wednesday, I go during my lunch hour to a bar in lower downtown.  My purpose is not to drink, which I don't (although one is owed to me when I'm there), or to eat, or anything else one might do at a bar.  My purpose is to get a hair cut.  This bar, called the Retro Room, is a bar / hair salon, and on Wednesdays, they do a guy's hair cut special that's hard to pass up.  I used to go after work when I lived downtown, and would get a complimentary whiskey to go along with my haircut.  When I first started going there, I assumed it was so I wouldn't complain if my haircut was crooked.  But after having gone regularly for over a year to the same place, I've developed a repoir with my stylist, and it feels very natural to talk to her about the goings on over the last month.  The fact that we only talk once a month though is strange.  It feels like we're having a very long conversation, broken by months.  It's like who people who use to correspond by letters must have felt.  They said their piece, asked some questions, and made clever comments on the current topics, and then waited with bated breath for a response that wouldn't come for weeks or months.  Or in case of that movie with Kevin Costner playing a postman, forever, since all of them just kept dying in the woods.  God that movie sucked, but some how I've watched it twice.  Kevin Costner as Robin Hood, ok.  As a soldier who learns about Native Americans? Sure fine.  As Whitney Houston's bodyguard?  I don't think anybody bought that one but whatever.  But to make an epic film about a post man?  FedEX would never have stooped so low.

Anyways, it got me thinking, what if letter writing was the only way to communicate in the modern era.  What kind of conversations would people even have anymore.

Me:  Dear friend and / or casual acquaintance,  have you tried the new vietnamese restaurant downtown?  Their pho is dope.  I don't know what they put in the broth, but it's like CRACK, you know what I'm saying?  Anyways, KIT.  TTYL.

Them:  Dear Denver Om., thank you for writing me.  I've seriously had no human contact in weeks since the big paper and pen shortage.  Thanks for the recommendation, I'll definately try the new restuarant.  I love pho!  What the hell does KIT TTYL mean?  You take all this time to mail me a letter and you have to talk in abbreviations?

Me:  Dear friend, OH MY GOD.  I hope you haven't gone to that restaurant I told you about.  After I mailed that letter, I got really sick and was in the hospital for 6 days.  I'd have written you but I was too weak.  I found out they are poisoning the soup!  DO. NOT. GO. THERE.

And then there'd be no response....  [SCENE]

So it's much better, obviously, that we live in an era that the only thing we have to wait for in the mail every day is a Red Plum flyer and an offer from DISH networks.  PS - that story above was NOT ripped from the headlines or based on true events.  Where I live the pho IS dope.

Anyways, today is the end of my week, as flex scheduling has once again allowed me to take a 3 day weekend.  This weekend I have very specific goals that I hope to accomplish.

1.  See the lego movie.
2.  Go to the grocery store so I can stop living off PB&Js and cereal
3.  Meet my potential new roommate.
4.  Buy a new bed.
5.  Get up off the couch to do any of the previously listed items.  This may be the hardest task I've ever faced in my life.  Also it's 6 degrees outside right now, and that's the warmest it's been in 3 days.

W. T. Fuck.

OH YEAH!  I forgot, also the Winter Olympics start today (although officially tomorrow?)  So for anybody that cares about it, here's wishing you all have a happy Thumbs Up Thursday for the Gold!