Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Maybe He Shouldn't Have Looked That Deeply Into the Crystal Skull

Last night, after 85 years of good clean living, Shirley Temple died.  You may remember Shirley Temple from such 1930s classics like "that movie with Shirley Temple where she was cute because basically she was your doll but could talk."  I think one of the reasons she's remained an icon for so long is she did something many child actors never do.  She stopped acting.  This may have also been a product of puberty, and Hollywood didn't really start sexualizing teenagers until the 90s, but for whatever reason, she grew up to be normal.  Of course, normal is relative, and for Hollywood it means never showing up on an episode of VH1's Celebrity Rehab, participating in Celebrity Apprentice, or just being Shia LaBeouf.

Oh Shia.  What happened to you man?  According to IMDB.com, Shia LaBeouf is a real person.  His credits go back as far as 1984, where he starred in the now lost, single-camera shot movie called, "Birth."  Since then he did small roles in stuff I never heard of, or just skimmed through until he found his place among the Hollywood elite, when he landed the starring role in Even Stevens.  I'm not sure if he played Even or Steven, but I assume this show was basically Pete & Pete without the controversial casting of gingers.

After 3 solid years of acting on a network that allowed an extreme amount of profanity as long as you just change one letter in the word, he left TV and decided to try his luck in movies.  He starred in the iconic tale of a kid in a concentration camp ordered to dig holes for some unknown, senseless purpose.  The movie, Holes, would go on to be seen by millions hundreds of people, and skyrocketed Mr. Los Angeles Beouf (as he later asked to be called) to the halls of fame and fortune.  I believe though, that it was this movie, with the long days of digging holes, that L.A. Beouf dug too far into his own soul, and found a black pit of endless despair.  In this moment of self reflection, the young boy we loved, for his overacting and fear of haircuts, lost himself to the madness that devours many young stars.  It took MaCauley...it took Bynes.  It may have taken Webster, but I'm pretty sure he had Benjamin Button disease, so who knows how old he actually was.

The signs were all there.  First came the self-mutilation, by way of starring in 3 transformers movies.  Next, and perhaps as a result of these movies, came the sexual obsession.  He started seeking roles that prominantly featured sex scenes, going as far as performing actual sex on camera for the, you know....art.  Because it's not porn if it's directed by a German guy named Lars right?  Wait...I think ALL porn is probably directed by a German guy named Lars.  But farther and farther down the rabbit hole he went.  And in Bynes like fashion, Los(t) [Angel]es Beouf finally went off the deep end.  Case in point, here's a recent picture of him, at what I assume was some awards event.


Then, at a Berlin Press Junket, promoting his new film which I'm told is not porn, after being asked something about having sex on camera in what I'm told is not porn, he responded by quoting a former French soccer player by saying, "When the seagulls follow the trawler, its because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea."

He is also currently missing a bottom tooth, which when coupled with the previous examples, pretty much proves he's a meth head now.  Oh and I totally skipped over the part where he plagarized a movie script, and then plagarized the apology for plagarizing the movie script when he got caught. 

That's not being very even....Steven.

That's right.  You just finished reading an analysis of Shia LaBeouf.  That's how bored I am right now.  Today wasn't a total loss though.  I did find this awesome trailer for all the Harry Potter movies....if they were honest.

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