Wednesday, February 19, 2014

The Real Secret in a Dan Brown Book is Realizing You've Already Read It

Roughly an hour ago, I finished reading the the (probably) #1 bestseller, Inferno, by Dan Brown, who's famous for writing Inferno, but under the name the Da Vinci Code, which is sometimes referred to as Angels and Demons.  He also wrote a book about fortresses made of computers, but nobody read that one.

As with most Dan Brown books it follows a simple formula, with only minor changes from his other novels.  And don't worry, there are no spoilers here.  All of his books go like this, Dan Brown envisions himself as a ruggedly handsome Indiana Jones type professer turned action hero, who must spring into action with the help of a hot girl who's really smart and a little mysterious, to solve a crime perpetrated by a man smarter than anything Arthur Conan Doyle (Sir Doyle if you're nasty) could have come up with.  Throughout the story, usually during the most harrowing scenes, the main character stops to give somebody a 3 page long history lesson on a piece of art.  Most of the dialogue breaks down to barely palpable as we're waiting to here what stupid old Italian guy something is about.  It usually goes like this.

(Main guy's mind):  We were running through the streets that were lined with stones.  But instead of invoking my fight or flight response, it invoked my thoughtful history lesson response, because I noticed these stones were imported from China in 2 BC after the emporer of WhoCaresistan pillaged Europe.  And then suddenly I stopped running.

Main Guy:  OMG this is a clue!

Hot lady:  WHAT?!  What is?  Oh I'm not out of breath even though we were running for 30 minutes straight?  Yeah I'm really fit...basically an Olympian, and also super smart so I can understand everything you're saying and 6 chapters from now, I'm recollect it perfectly and even make a "sly pum" as you'll imagine it being.

Main Guy:  I just remembered I once gave a lecture to a group of people who are supposed to be my intellectual equals but instead ask me dumb questions like, "Who is Dante?"  Anyways, I perfectly remembered word for word what I was thinking about during that lecture and it made me remember that blah blah blah skip a bunch of pages, get to the part where we find out it's probably aliens, and that's who the church is named after!

Hot Lady:  Oh. Em. Gee.  I want to sleep with you, but I can't tell you because then who would care about the rest of the book?

(Main guy's mind):  I could tell she wanted to sleep with me...probably because I wear a 50 year old tweed jacket.  But something was tugging at my memory....of a lecture I once gave about Burlosqueeegy and Mooseandsquirrely and blah balh blah blah why I am still reading this book?

Anyways, I'll save you all the trouble the next time he writes a book.  The answer is probably aliens.  Probably the one thing that really made this book stand out though, was the iPhone commercial he does about halfway through the book.  If you've read it you know what I'm talking about.  It's probably why you bought an iPhone right afterwards.

Anyways, the greatest mystery Dan Brown solved this week was finding me something to do for the long hours I waste away at work.  I will be the most well read government employee by the end of this year.

In other news, I am supposed to start Couch to 5K training again.  I'm already a week behind, according to the training program, and have not run once for what I guess is now Week 2 of the program.  I did go on a 4 mile hike around Stapleton recently, in search of public art pieces.  I think I found 2, but one was dogs doing human things, so I decided not to share that one.  But for what ended up being an elusive search for art, ended up being a nice hike.  My friend claims we just "walked in the park" but a hike is a hike dammit.  So yeah, I should be 5K ready by the end of April right?

Anyways, highlights from the "hike" include:

The only art we actually found.

The ever watchful Eye of Stapleton

Just a small park in my neighborhood

Lastly, I also happened to see the movie, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.  The movie, for those that don't know, is about a man who day dreams of being a better, smarter, stronger person, to the point where he would rather live in the reality in his mind than the actual world.  It's a story of finding your true self.  If you haven't seen it you should see it.  It has an indie movie feel with a Hollywood cast.  And the soundtrack is pretty good too.   Go see it!

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