Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Yeah Mon, Meat is Irie!

For most of the month of January, I practiced the ancient art of Vegetarianism.  A dark path to take, the earliest of vegetarians believed that mass genocide of plant life was a less primitive way to go about life than the killing of animals.  Their motto, translated years later from the dead languages, roughly presents as "If it ain't got a face, eat at your own pace."  Of course this was before the discovery of Veggie Tales

In my foray into these dark arts, I discovered the world of Alchemy.  In which one can turn something gross, into something almost tastes like meat.  This was attempted with both dust, and fruit, which were turned into "chicken" tikka masala and pulled "pork", respectively.  While the latter was a much bigger success, or would have been had I understood the appropriate amount of red masala to substitue chili powder for.  Spoiler alert, it was WAY too much.  But while these creations were not a complete failure, I have to say that if one is going to be a vegetarian, just do it fully, without the wistful desires of a meat flavored life.  Either way, I've ended the experiment and re-entered the world of carnivorism.  Or rather, I've decided that I'm most likely, if labels are important, a Breakfastarian.  It's like a Rastafarian, but we eat more sausage and bacon.  Hopefully the U.S. census will start recognizing our culture.  I hope that I can continue the things I've learned from my hedonistic trip down vegetable row, but will continue to fuel my ranty blog posts with sausage and bacon and other heartbeat decelerators. 

Late in the month, after all the meat had been sweat from my system, I found some clarity.  As if a potato powered light bulb had gone off in my mind.  In this haze free state, I started asking myself the really important questions in life, like

- Why do people copy themselves on emails?  Do they not have sent folders?

- Why is there a full day of Winter Olympic events on Thursday, when the Opening Ceremonies are Friday?

- Why is that eating oreos at other people's houses is so much more satisfying than just buying them myself?

Of course these are impossible to answer questions, but the great Buddha said that asking the question is more important than knowing the answer.  (Don't fact check that.)  My only regret in not sticking to this veg way of life, is that I may now never reach that perfect hallucinogenic state needed to write like Jack Kerouac or Hunter S. Thompson, and instead will make the world suffer by reading the mediocrity that is this blog.

BUT, at least I am hoping to have some new material to preach to you soon, because I may be at the cusp of getting a new roommate!  Will know more after Sunday when I drive up to Fort Collins to meet her.  Stay tuned!

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