Wednesday, March 19, 2014

An Open Letter to IT Customer Support

Dear Ray Tucker,

I know you are just a contractor working at the technical help desk at my job, and perhaps you were thrown into the role of having to actually speak with other human beings, as opposed to hiding behind your binary code walls, but please allow me the time to give you a few pointers on customer service.  Consider these life lessons that you can take with you to any job you see fit, once you realize what a crap organization this is that you're working for.

Lesson #1 - Don't grunt on the phone.

Hey.  I get it.  Sometimes that meal you just ate is just sitting's making you breathe loudly...grunt periodically....and generally makes you too tired to have a normal conversation.  Then some bozo calls saying he needs some password reset.  Last thing you feel like doing.  Totally understand.  But maybe....just maybe...when you're talking to that person, you could cover the receiver or turn your head away when you need to grunt.  Think about the person on the other end of the phone.  They don't want to hear what sounds like animal sex noises while waiting for their new password.  It's.....gross.

Lesson #2 - How to use the "hold" feature on your phone.

Like this clip from The Office, just declaring you're putting somebody on hold, doesn't actually put them on hold.  So when you say, "please hold for just a second, and then scream at your boss for help, it does, in fact, blow the ear drums out of the unsuspecting caller who's patiently waiting for their issue to be resolved.  Unless their issue was they could hear too which case....RESOLVED!

Lesson #3 - I don't need to know EVERYTHING you're doing.

The only thing worse than grunting, is your stream of consciousness speaking, where you mumble through every single keystroke on your computer.  Now don't get me wrong, if you were an airline ticket agent, I would LOVE to know why it takes you 6 minutes of furious typing to tell me something that I could have done on expedia in 30 seconds.  Also, if you are going to talk through everything, at least try and do it with an interesting voice over of what you're thinking about.  Maybe in the 3rd person.  There's people on that will even do it for you!  Just think how much more interesting it would be to the caller, instead of hearing, "1215....F5, go to user profile.....mumble", you could hear,
 "Ray took a deep breath as the menu loaded.  This was 4th call of the day, for the same inane reason, and once again he reflected on his life, and the path he took to have the job that could have been easily outsourced to India.  Getting a call from an Indian to a guy that should have been working in India.  The irony didn't escape him.  And just like that he stared longingly at the 7th floor window, wondering how high he would have to be for the fall to instantly kill him."
 Anyways, you can take that with you to the bank!

Denver Omlette


In my latest running news, I'm now into week 2 of the Couch to 5K program.  Week 2 has brought a new fresh hell to my running regime, in that the total running time has increased from 8 minutes to 9 minutes.  My appetite after running has increased exponentially, and I'm now convinced that I should be on some Michael Phelpsian like diet to ensure I have enough energy to run the rest of the week.  This may also be my body's way of rebelling against this foreign body (exercise) invading and reshaping it's entire network of laziness.   But I will persevere!  By my calculations, the race will hit somewhere around the end of Week 7 of this apparently 9 week program, which means I'm supposed to be able to run at least 2.5 miles by then.  Last time I did this program I quit around Week 4, so I'm really only hoping to make it to say week 6 this time around....  It's a process.

Today is the second run of Week 2 and I'm hoping for a little bit better "breathing" scenario than the first run of the week.  I assume random vomiting doesn't start till week 3, and heart explosion is somewhere in the midst of week 5...but I'll keep you posted.

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