Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Gender Reveal Party Surprise: Turns Out She Was Just Fat!

Yesterday, after about 2 weeks of waiting, I finally got my new Driver's License in the mail.  Getting my license solves the problem of having to carry my passport everywhere I go.  It wouldn't be so bad...I mean, it does add a layer of mystery to anybody watching.  Who is this mysterious foreigner buying beer in this establishment?  Oh wait that's a US passport?  Who's this douche trying to fool?  Instead of buying him a beer, I'm going to throw my beer at him!  Man...that went south fast.  But anyways, at least I don't have to show my horrible passport photo to anyone anymore.  The picture, which is about seven or eight years old, looks like I just got kicked out of a Country Buffet.  Let that all sink in.  The new DL picture also solves the problem of having to fake laugh whenever somebody would look at my old DL and say, "we're gonna have to draw beard on here with a sharpie HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA."  Ha ha indeed.  Of course, now I can never shave.  Having two pictures of me to look at is like giving permission to people to immediately and vocally judge my appearance.  "Oh I liked you better with the beard."  Well sir, I liked you better before you opened your stupid mouth.

But anyways.  As I sit here in my too hot office this afternoon, sipping on a hot almond boba tea, thinking about the fact that boba straws would be the ultimate mind eraser straw, (your mind would be erased so fast, your ears would probably start bleeding.....Butterfly Effect style) I am thinking about many things.  I'm thinking about:

1.  How am I going to finish this memo I have to write in two days when the very thought of it sends me to the far reaches of the internet...it's like when you had to write a 60 page report on why your farts don't stink for your honors class in college...and you instead watched a MASH marathon for 13 hours straight instead.  Anybody?  PS - everything we did in Honors classes in college were to somehow prove our farts didn't stink.  That's just fact.

2.  Speaking of which, what's the best distraction from having to redo your sub par honors thesis that you had 3 semesters to write but got a C-, and redoing it would be the difference whether or not your graduate with honors?  Getting a job with the Federal Government!  Luckily they don't expect better than C- work.  Also, now that I've written this out, I see the not so subtle irony in that With Honors is my favorite movie of all time.

3.  Another reason I may not finish this memo this week is if my friend, currently in Vegas right now, wins the agreed upon sum of money to fly me out there to spend 24 hours gambling with her.  Which I will do in a heartbeat.  Part me hopes I would just leave my work when I hear the news, computer still warm, and hop on a plane and go.  Part of me also hopes I get fired over it, which may be the only way I'll ever leave this job.

4.  I'm also thinking about the gyoza I made last night.  Thank god I didn't go running right after work, given how long it takes to make each individual gyoza.  A process which I assume a 96 year old Japanese woman with stringy hair but somehow perfect teeth could do in ten minutes, took me over an hour and a half.  Of course, the Japanese woman probably wouldn't wash her hands every 10 minutes because dried egg white feels gross on your hands.  But maybe you should stop comparing me to an old Japanese woman then you jerk!

5.   The other day I got a sandwich called a Banh-Bano.  Half Banh Mi / Half Cubano.  Sounds amazing, but the execution was not that great.  It ended up being a decent sandwich, but lacked the distinct cruch and punch of flavor the banh mi is famous for, nor did it have the gooey cheese and hot pressed bread that make the cubano so great.  But it got me thinking about other good hybrid food ideas.  Like the pizza burger, which DOES exist, or the Breakfast Bao (sausage and eggs inside a steamed bun) which SHOULD exist!

6.  I seriously just came up with that Breakfast Bao thing as I was writing this.  I'm so bleeping genius.  And sure most of you are probably instinctually like, "oh gross, that's nasty...." but all I have to say is the word bacon and you'll be like "OMG THAT'S GENIUS GIVE HIM THE NOBEL PRIZE!!!"  Freaking lemmings.

7.  Aziz Ansari's instagrams of Japan are making me want to go there immediately.  IMMEDIATELY!

8.  Tonight's my last Project Angel Heart in awhile.  Yet some how I volunteered to help clean up at an event this summer.  I'm not completely sure if I'm even going to BE here for it.  Oh well.

9.  I look stoned in my Driver's License photo, which i'm currently obsessing over.  I guess it's not that shocking here in CO, but now i'm worried that's what people in other cities will think when they see it.  "Damn he looks stoned!  Oh wait he's from CO, that makes sense.  They're ALL stoned out there."  Now I'm misrepresenting my state!

10.  Oh yeah, I'm also thinking about the fact that I have to help coordinate / plan a baby shower in a few months.  My friend is due in July and has asked me to help with some of the details of her baby shower.  You know....send out invites (which she's preparing), collect RSVPs, and oh yeah, REVEAL THE GENDER OF THEIR BABY TO THEM.  I've never been to a "gender reveal party" but was sad that it didn't involve anybody getting an operation.  After looking on pinterest, I've decided that nobody original exists on the internet anymore.  Everything is blue m&m's or pink balloons, or confetti or something dumb.  My ideas are more, people vote on 1 of the 50 facebook gender options, and whoever wins, that's the gender the baby has to become.  Science will do the rest.  Or for something less life altering but equally frightening, maybe a pinata filled with bloody baby boy figures or baby girl figures.  Sort of a...commentary on the violent nature of childbirth.  No?  My last idea is a real winner.  I give them an envelope but when they open it, it says, 
"You're having a girl.  Now scramble with what little pregnant energy you have in the next few weeks to buy clothes for your child.  And all the gifts people got you?  They're all diapers, because you refused to tell them the gender ahead of time so they could buy cool outfits, which is the only gift that's fun to buy for a baby, so thanks for taking the joy out of this for everyone."
She really picked a good friend to help with this, huh?

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