Tuesday, March 18, 2014

The Tao of Denver Omlette

If you're not already watching it, I highly recommend the new series, Cosmos: A Spacetime Oddyssey, which comes on Sunday evenings.  It's a 13 part series exploring nothing short of the entire timeline of our universe.  The show, hosted by Neil DeGrasse Tyson, is sometimes cheesy, but does a great job explaining some of the most complex scientific theories and makes them into digestible 1 hour segments.

During the first episode, there was a 10 minute stretch where NDT discussed our cosmic address.  Earth, part of the solar system, which is a tiny part of the Milky Way galaxy, which is just one of many galaxies which make up the Local Group, which is just an insignificant cluster of galaxies that make up the Virgo Super Cluster, which is just one of an infinitesimal number of clusters that make up the Observable Universe, which in essence, could just be one of many multiverses or something....time without end.  I'm not sure about that last part....by the time he got there, I was hiding under my blanket.  The idea of billions upon billions of other unknown galaxies really stresses me out for some reason.  The idea that there is so much unknown outside our planet, yet we spend so much time debating the origins of life on our, insignificant little world, when our lives make up a microsecond of the history of the universe, makes me a little....unhinged.  Like we have no connection to the vastness of space around us.  Clearly this is why aliens invade us all the time.  They think we're just gonna be like, "oh snap, where'd you come from??...and then become their slaves."  They don't know of course that we have people like Will Smith and that one drunk white dude to fight them. 

To try and combat the stress caused by thinking of the size of the universe, I retreated to the internet, and it's own neverending supply of bleakness.  In it, I found the worst possible website for somebody in my condition.  The website, Future Time Line, uses scientific hypotheses, researched predictions, and other theories to basically map out the future of the universe, starting from around the year 2000, to oh...say.... 100,000,000 AD.  So yeah...I'd say after reading about how we all basically turn into robots, clutter up space with more stupid tech, terraform worlds, and yet we still don't inch more than a fraction outside our own galaxy, basically left me feeling very isolated and inconsequential. 

So in order to turn things around, I've decided to time capsule myself, and leave the next immigration of alien species with the knowledge of what they'd need to know about me, should they find my DNA dust floating around in about a million years or so.  In this way, I hope to preserve my future, NAY, ALL our future (no wait.  Just mine.)  So should you find this blog, aliens, please know that THIS is what was important to me:

1.  This list will be a Top 10 list.  All lists should be.  Anything less than 10 is lazy, and more than 10 is indecisive.

2.  Dirty South rap was never good, no matter what the history books will eventually say.  It is just people yelling at a microphone from their couch, too lazy to finish whole words.

3.  LOST ended horribly.  If you find old DVDs of it, just don't even watch anything after season 2.  Seriously, you'll just get pissed and probably laser explode the whole planet.  And you NEED those resources!

4.  If you find any old craigslist advertisements floating around the web, I'd like to apologize for the phrase "well loved."  I know it's gross...why can't people just say used, or old.  Well loved sounds like they were grinding on it for years before they sold it, right?

5.  It's pronounced "meem", not "may may", and yes, it WAS the demise of our species.

6.  Despite advancements in science and knowledge, and our ability to replicate or clone pretty much anything, people will still sent money to websites like this, and react like this.

7.  Try not to glean too much from our current television programming of 2014.  It is not an accurate record of our world.  We are not in fact a world ruled by divided factions of Armenian women, or a dynasty of ducks, who force ordinary citizens to compete in singing and dancing competitions or exile them to an island where they have to perform menial tasks while constantly talking to a camera.  We ARE all afraid of a monster called Honey Boo Boo though.  That part was pure fact.  Oh, and Walking Dead is REAL.

8.  Oil pulling happened.  Seriously.  We, as a race, did that.  And yet we still ruled for hundreds of thousands of years.

9.  Fox News wasn't our fault.  We were too busy oil pulling to realize how big of a machine it would become.  It took over all our minds, and it was only a matter of time before we started nuking each other as a way of saying "Hi, Nice to Meet You, Somebody Different."

10.  Finally, if you could just take one last thing away about our species....one pivotal memory that we want to carry forward for as long as the Universe is around....it's that we never, EVER claimed that Justin Beiber or Miley Cyrus were human.  In fact, I'm fairly confident they're not.  If you know anything about their species, please warn any humans who've moved on to other worlds.  It's important to warn them, so as to not harm future species in future worlds of the disease that is...bat shit crazy entitled child singers.

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