Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Ambition Leads to Raising Hitler From the Dead

I've never considered myself somebody with a lot of ambition.  Saying that makes society think I'm just really lazy and don't care or think about long term things.  That's so not true.  According to my very scientific search for a definition of ambition, yahoo (yes that Yahoo!) states that ambition is an eager or strong desire to achieve something, such as fame or power.  I guess I don't care about having fame, and I wouldn't know what to do with power, besides sit in a really ostentatious high backed chair and stroke a cat.  Plus it would obviously go to my head and then I'd have to learn how to get nuclear weapons, and that all just sounds so ambitious.

Anyways, it's not that I'm that lazy, or that I have no long term goals or desires, it's just that when things get a little bit hard, I tend to hit the reset button on whatever project I'm in.  Other people might call that quitting.  So be it.  Take last Friday for example.  A friend of mine from work convinced me that I had the mental and physical capacity to make a simple looking bench for my front porch, like this:

Well, my "full of self confidence" self decided to go to Home Depot and get the materials on that fine day to construct such bench.  Please sit back and let me describe my 4 step failure in this endeavor.

Step 1:

I couldn't find a cheap, small can of cement paint.  The 4x4s I need for this project all looked warped and termitey, and the cinder blocks looked like somebody took a hammer to them.  Also, cinder blocks are heavy, and the thought of having to apply multiple coats of paint to 12 cinder blocks sounded awful.  So after about 10 minutes of starting this project, I qui....I hit the reset button, and decided to just buy a bench instead.

Step 2:

The one bench Home Depot had on display (I mean it is still February) was $200 and that's dumb.  So in the end I decided, instead a nice DIY porch bench pictured above, I would just buy two cheap stackable chairs and call it a day.

Step 3:

In 2007, Honda increased the chassis on their Accord model sedan, which moved it from an intermediate size car to a full size car.  The larger model has allowed it compete with luxury sedans, and gives drivers the enhanced ability to constantly scrape curbs with the front bumper.  Apparently, this did not matter when it comes to getting chairs into said full size vehicle.  The two chairs were not getting into the car in any configuration.  Finally I decided I would put them in one at a time.  But after getting one in there, there was no way for me to move it to get the second chair in the car.  After all this wasted time and energy, I decided to just reset once more and return the chairs.

Step 4:

The piece de resistance of course......I couldn't get the damn chair out of my car.  It took another 15 minutes plus a couple employees just staring at me as I tried to get the chair out to finally release it from my car's icy grip.  When i went in to return the chair, the lady at the counter just said, "wouldn't fit huh?"

The rest of the weekend went off without a hitch.  An unplanned art walk (read:  We didn't bother checking if that was going on) popped up during happy hour that evening and a few extra glasses of free booze were had by all.  Some how that night ended with electroshock therapy.......art.  I can't explain it but maybe that's what makes it art.  Also this happened inside of a chocolate shop.  Maybe I did have a few too many glasses of wine that night.

I also had a much needed win in making poha for the first time.  Poha is an indian breakfast dish made with flattened rice and a bunch of other good stuff.  Following the recipe to the tee, I made what can only be described as a butt load.

Finally, I'd just like to bring up a pretty important topic that I read about the other day.  Sure, we're all fascinated by these stories of Ebola and the recent measles outbreak (17 states and counting!), but there are other things happening in the medical profession that warrant our immediate attention.  Of course, I'm referring to doctors who are raising the dead.  In a recent article from the BBC, doctors in Tucson, Arizona have found a way to preserve a body with salt water after draining the body of all its blood, which can then be reanimated with new blood later.  This procedure allows the doctors extra time to complete whatever surgery or other diabolical plan they've concocted.  While this seems like a great discovery in the field of emergency medicine, where time really is a key factor, there are several risks with this procedure.  As we all know, bringing somebody back from the dead typically comes with the risk of also bringing back some sort of demon or inter-dimensional being that has latched on to the dead human's spirit in a yet to ever be explained place.  According to all the documentaries on the subject, the doctors who perform this are always so over confident that they don't even plan for this event.  A prior documentary from the 1980s had warned us that any kind of spirit or demon management should be contained with plasma rays and an ecto-cooler.  There is a complete analysis of this in the highly acclaimed The Ghostbusters series from that time period.

Another colleague of mine pointed out that evil doers could use this technology to preserve the lives of some of history's most treacherous villains, like Adolf Hitler.  Can you imagine a modern day Hitler roaming the streets?  Of course with that old military uniform and short mustache, he'd probably just get mistaken for a hipster and his capture would be easy.  You'd find him waiting for a 7 minute pour over non GMO organically grown free trade immigrant college program coffee.  I would also contend that charismatic speakers like Hitler could never really gain a true following nowadays, in the modern age of the internet.  Any speech posted on to the web would be found by the legions of internet trolls that would leave comments like:

TrueBlood69 says:  First!
HonkyTonkyMonky says:  Second!
OsamaNotObama says:  It's because of the liberal media!
Omnicron626 says:  whatever n00b
Scuba Steve says:  Gay.  Hitler is Gay.

And thus the movement would fizzle before it ever began.  Much like this post.

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