Monday, February 2, 2015

The Patriots are like the Mega Pythons and the Seahawks are the Gatoroids

Yesterday before the Super Bowl, ESPN made a big deal of the fact that this was the first time two quarterbacks drafted by Major League Baseball were competing against each other in the Super Bowl.  And it made me think about all the times they talked about a player that played basketball in college because he could "dunk" the football over the goal post after a TD.  I guess football doesn't translate into other sports as well.  I mean, could you imagine if there as a baseball player who ran over a first baseman because he played "lights out" baseball?  Oh I just remembered another example.  In my highschool we had a guy from the soccer team who became our kicker because the former kicker who's name was Chaz and may or may not have been Indian sucked really bad.  I kind of hoped they replaced him just because his name was Chaz and some things just shouldn't be.  The reverse of that scenario wouldn't work though.  Nobody in soccer would draft a football kicker who's really good at kicking a ball that somebody else holds for him and then fist pumping and trying to get high fives after each kick.  (PS -  Don't ever high five your kicker.  Don't validate him.  Just don't.)

There's so much to talk about, so let's get right to it.  In preparation for my super bowl party, I threw myself into a 6 hour marathon of cooking.  But before any of that could begin, I had to start my day by clearing the 5 inch layer of snow that fell overnight. 

Basically, this:

Became this:

Not clear if the snow shovelers were coming to do their HOA paid duty yesterday, I and a neighbor shoveled pretty much all of the sidewalks in front of my house, while the douchey neighbor across the street with a snow blower just watched.  Hours after the sidewalks were cleared, the people we actually pay to do that job came by and congratulated themselves for not having to work.  Also, because of the snow build up on my satellite dish, the signal on my TV went out.  So I climbed up my POS aluminum ladder, perched so precariously on my down sloping icy driveway, with snow raining down on me as I smacked my satellite dish with a broom.  Considering that the dish is actually a pretty sophisticated piece of equipment that bounces a signal off a satellite orbiting thousands of miles away, I think smacking it with a broom is probably the most effective way to fix it.

Finally, after all these events passed, and copious amounts of coffee were used to warm my insides back up, I got on with my cooking marathon.  The result was tables of entirely too much food for not really enough people.  Of course I was told only days before that I might be hosting for anywhere between 7 and 17 people, so I conservatively made food for 27.  The results were pretty fantastic.

The game itself was one of the better ones in recent years.  A close game punctuated with a crazy last second game defining play, it was everything you could have asked for in a Super Bowl.  Except for the fact that the dirtiest, cheatingest, Palpatiniest team in football won.  But whatever.  At least we had some betting and pinterest inspired jello shots to fuel our game watching.

Anyways, you just watch the Super Bowl for the commercials right?

NOT THIS TIME.  This was the worst round of commercials I've ever seen.  Most of it was because of Nationwide telling us to be better people or our kids will die.  This is pretty much how the game went:

Game - Touchdowns! Interceptions!  Probably a former basketball player dunking a goal post!

Commercial break - Be a better parent.....brought to you by Dove body wash.

Game - Amazing catch!  held them on 4th down!

Commercial break - a better parent.  cherish your kids.  But not right now because you're watching TV.....brought to you by Avocados from Mexico (best jingle ever)

Game - Score is tied!  28 second comeback run!

Commercial break - I told you to watch your kids.  They just drowned in the bathtub after passing out from the concussion of that TV falling on them while they were eating a Tide gel pack.....brought to you by Nationwide

I didn't talk about the halftime show, because I honestly couldn't give a crap about Super Bowl halftimes.  Who wants to stare at a TV for 15 minutes watching formerly bad singers perform with currently bad singers.  I mean the stage was cool I guess.  And that one uncoordinated shark dancer.  I bet that shark gets its own commercial in the coming year.

Anyways, I'll end this post by letting you know that all of this might not have been possible....the feasting, the partying, none of it.....if I hadn't turned off the TV when this movie for the ages came on.  I may have just binged watched it if I didn't have festivities to prepare for.  Because when life poses these kinds of questions, you have to stop whatever you're doing and ponder them.  In this instance, the question was,

WTF is a Gatoroid?

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