Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Beware the Were: A Tale of Lycanthropic Lunacy

My friends.  My dear, dear friends.  I write this blog to you today, on the cusp of what may be my last few days on this earth, as a member of your human race.  Oh what a joy these last 34 years have been.  The friends I've made....the women I've loved....the laughter...and dare I say, even the tears.  It's all been worth it.  The aggregation of memories I cherish more than the most precious diamond.

Alas, on this Saturday past, at approximately 5:46 PM, I was bitten by a dog.  A mere puncture on the right hand, just below the thumb by a rabid beast, and now my life is a ticking time bomb.  It's only a matter of time until the next full moon, and my body changes to it's next level of evolution, as a werewolf.  On that first evening, when my body writhes and contorts as the beast within finds its way to the surface, and my mind is ravaged by a wild, feral lunacy that will only be calmed by feasting on innocent lives, then I will lose that ounce of humanity that separates us, the sophisticated few on this earth, from our feral ancestry.  How did this happen?  How did an unsuspecting man, just slightly passed his prime, drunk on IPA, find himself in this situation.  Well...it all started with a block party.

The day started like any other.  Hot as balls by 8 AM, without a cloud in the sky (typical for Denver.)  I awoke with anticipation of the afternoon's events.  The first ever tri-block party hosted in Conservatory Green.  My grocery list in mind, I went on a morning run through the neighborhood, followed by a trip to the grocery store.  All prepared for the party, and guava pastries baking in the oven, I took a few hours of respite in preparation for the party.  And it was quite the party.  Our courtyard was filled with the screams and laughter of innocent children, probably because there was a giant child in the bounce house...


The crisp late evening air was perfect for outdoor games and building camaraderie amongst old and new friends....


But there, in the shadows of our joy, lurked an indescribable evil.  This spawn of children's nightmares stared at our unbashed happiness with the hot rage of a thousand suns.  She stood on her perch, perfectly still, as if inviting someone to come dethrone her.  And while my intentions were only pure and good, I fell into her trap.  You see, I approached this monster, not to vanquish her, but to draw her out, and let her know that even she must have good in her heart.  And so, ever so timid, I approached and let the beast sniff me.  I stood bravely in front of her.  And while I don't have a real picture of her (because can one really capture pure terror in a photo?), this is about as accurate of an approximation I could find.


This fiend, having lured me with her siren's song, allowed me to come within the width of a fairy's wing between us, before she lunged and bit into my hand.  That quick, crushing gesture was all it took.  Of course, most of my blood replaced by alcohol at that moment, I didn't even know i was leaking bloodcohol from my hand as I continued to enjoy myself.  It wasn't until a friend warned me that my hand was bleeding did I know the true extent of what was to come.  This beast had changed my life forever.  Already, I can feel the effects of this lycanthropy.  The itching....the hunger for meat....the desire to lick things....

I only ask that you remember how I was, and not the brute I am becoming.  But also, use this as a warning.  Keep your distance friends.  Or else, this may be the last thing you see before your bones are buried under the rose bushes.