Friday, June 17, 2016

Denver Omlette - The Reboot!

June 17th, 2016.  Hello my name is Denver Omlette.  It's been 262 days since my last post.  So much has happened since then.  I don't live in Denver anymore, and I even learned how to spell omelet.  I prefer what I call the "French" spelling, but that's because, as you know, I'm QUITE fancy.
 
A quick rundown of what you've missed since September 30, 2015.
  • I did not in fact, die, that day.
  • I threw an epic birthday party in the karaoke room in the back of a sushi restaurant for a friend.
  • Same friend threw an epic going away part for me in my own house without me knowing it....the next day.
  • I thanked her by moving away to Washington DC.  Well, Alexandria, which is Washington DC Lite.
  • I went to India for 4 days, further cementing to many that my job is a Secret Agent.
  • I went to England and delivered a speech at a wedding that was well received.  Later a hurricane passed through the wedding and a cow gave birth.
  • I went to Spain and saw a bunch of stuff I'm sure I don't remember the names of. 
  • I ate tapas, because...Spain.
  • I went to Switzerland because of the aforementioned Secret Agent stuff.
  • I went to Niagara Falls to make sure it was still there.
  • I turned my 1980s kitchen into a 2016 kitchen with money and other people's ideas.
  • I ate all the food in NYC.
  • A man from Turkey kissed me, immediately followed by a hug from a man from Pakistan; and
  • I ate....a salad.  (I'VE CHANGED SO MUCH)
 That pretty much sums up everything I've done since I last spoke at you, and I don't think any of really requires any follow up.
 
Now that we have my history out of the way, I'd like to focus the rest of this once in a lifetime, limited edition, special release, don't-expect-this-to-be-a-regular-thing #notaregularthing post on what it's best known for.  Abject ranting about nonsensical shit by a yet to be certified lunatic.
 
Since January, I've been working in an office.  Unlike my Denver office, this one has more than 4 other people working there, so as you can imagine, I've grown a hatred hotter than a thousand suns for little petty things that people do in my building that really just annoy the bejesus out of me.  Rather than list off each one, I'd like to just put this out there to world that there are certain rules of office etiquette that should not be breached.  If you happen to be one of my readers who actually visits this building from time to time, I hope that you can employ some of these rules during your time here.
 
The Denver Omlette Rules of Office Building Etiquette
 
Rule #1 - Elevator Etiquette:
 
The goal, at seven in the morning, before I've had my coffee, is to have zero human interaction whatsoever, before I am comfortably slumped into my chair staring at my computer screen wishing a coffee IV was an acceptable societal norm.  Which is why then, the goal in the morning, is to avoid getting on the elevator with anybody.  Even having to do the half committed head nod is unreasonable to me at that time of day.  I am so people avoidance at that time of the day that I will slow down if somebody is getting on the elevator just before me, just to avoid getting on there with them.  And I will run to an elevator and press the door close button and hide if I hear anybody coming on after me.  So, you can imagine, the thing I hate the most are door holders.  You don't need to hold the damn door for somebody else.  There are EIGHT elevators in that elevator bank.  EIGHT.  I promise mine isn't the last one of the day.  It's not like catching the train when the next one is 20 minutes away.  Another elevator is literally right there.  Just get that one and don't slow me down because you need to sneeze into my airspace with your stupid morning happiness.  Think of it like this.  The only difference between Morning and Mourning......is U.
 
Rule #2 - Discussions about Lunch:
 
There is nothing worse than somebody who brings up lunch discussions early in the morning.  Why you ask?  I think the best way to illustrate why this is so awful is with an example.  Here is a normal thought process in the morning.  In this example, I've had coffee so I'm not longer angry at the entire world.
 
"Oh hum de dum, here I am at work.....checkin' some emails....sippin' that coffee, writin' a memo, oh hey there boss! how's it going, sure I can take care of that!  Oh hello other co-worker, you need help with that report? absolutely!  clicking send on that email, reading that memo, la dee dah, life is A-OK!"
 
ok now here's what that same thought process is like when somebody brings up lunch that early.
 
"Oh hum de dum, here I am work....checkin' some emails....oh wait what's this, somebody just asked where we are going for lunch today......i'll just tell them we can talk about it later because lunch isn't for 4 hours still.  Ok back to work....sippin' that coffee, writin' a m....you know, I would probably like to eat at the food trucks today......wait, back to the memo.....re-writing that sentence since all I wrote was food over and over again....oh hey boss, sorry I can't help frowning, I've been thinking about lunch for hours now......sorry I'll get that memo to you soon I promise....ok back to it.  CONCENTRATE.  GET OUT OF HERE COWORKERS THIS IS A NO FLY ZONE!!!!  I'M SO HUNGRY!!!!
 
.....2 hours later......
 
 
 So just do us all a favor and don't bring up lunch before 10 AM.  Otherwise you need to be the one mopping my face off the floor.


Rule #3 - Clothes:


People in this office building seem to fall into two camps....the very small camp that dress to impress, or, as somebody else put it to me, dress for the job they want, not the job they have.  Which sounds good but if I saw a janitor walking around wearing a Jos. A Bank suit I'd assume he was on some white collar criminal prisoner work detail, not trying to get a promotion.


The other camp of people, which I would say includes 95% of the guys in this building and at least 60% of the women, are dressed like they rolled out of bed, looked at themselves in the mirror, shrugged defeatedly and came in to work.  I would characterize the look of these people as K-Mart Chic....if chic means despondent and brow beaten.  I feel like there is a sign above the front door of the building that must read "ABANDON ALL HOPE YE WHO ENTER HERE" for them to dress that way.  I mean I think I see that sign at 7 AM too, pre-coffee, but I still take the 5 minutes to tuck in my shirt.  Which brings me to the very specific guy that is making me write any of this. 


Listen guy, yesterday I saw you wearing a coaches sweat-wickin' polo (like) shirt to work.  Today you were basically wearing a jersey, un tucked.  I fully expect that you are going to come in Monday wearing a t-shirt, gym shorts and a whistle.  I don't care if you love this job or hate this job, tuck in your damn shirt, and play with your (all-purpose) balls on your own time!


Well that's it for me.  I've exhausted myself trying to write a blog entry after so long.  It's easy to hate.  I do it all day long.  It's so much harder to record that hate on paper....as it were.